Tuesday, October 23, 2007

It's Over...hmmmm...Ok

I have squandered away my three free periods today...oh well. This is my last free 43 minutes of the day and I have chosen to completely ignore my work before me and surf and blog. I feel good about this choice!

Have you ever had a friendship that ended and at first you were upset about it or at least upset about the way it ended and then you came to realize that maybe you're not all that upset about it at all? I have. I've had a couple of them.

Initially, I was upset about it. It bothered me that the friendships were over and the relationships had come to an end and often it was more about the way that it ended than really the friendship. I came to the realization, though, that it's ok that the friendship is over. Actions following the ending of the friendship showed me what exactly I had been dealing with. I'm alright with it ending...I didn't need that in my life. I needed loyalty and commitment and maturity and support and that clearly was not what I received.

I've found myself, a couple of times, on the side of the friendship that does most of the giving and support and loyalty. The side that recognizes when the other person needs a little cheering up or a phone call to say, "hey, I'm here" or a little something to cheer them up because a major life event, or not so major life event, has occurred that day. Being on that side has often meant that I wasn't on the other side. I was not the one getting the phone calls or emails because I was the one making them or writing them. I was not the one receiving the little something that says, "hey, I remembered that xyz was happening today and I thought you might need a cheering up" because I was the one giving it. And I was not the one receiving the support and surprises for no good reason, just because we're friends, because I was the one giving them. Sometimes, that's ok. It's ok to be on the one side for awhile and be the person always giving as long as the pendulum swings back eventually. I've found that it doesn't always swing back and I'm tired of holding on to it on my side.

Don't get me wrong here, I am not the perfect friend. I have my quirks, idiosyncrasies, things that are difficult to deal with and work through. I can be a bitch and I can be selfish and forgetful but I do my best to not to be that way. I try to be the friend that I want others to be to me and I sometimes wonder why I don't have friends like me. (Isn't that the most self absorbed thing you've heard?!?! Self centered! I feel terrible even thinking it because it makes me seem so great, and I'm not like that, but sometimes I need a friend who does as much for me as I do for them or who at least shows as much concern and care for me as I do them.)

I have friends who are wonderful and who are thoughtful and who are loyal and who think of me and remember me and send me cards and touch base with me regularly. I am beginning to see that I have the friends who are like me. Who are there for me and who have always been there for me but I've been so worried about the other ones not being there for me that I've had a hard time recognizing the ones right in front of my face. So, to my friends who have been wonderful, thank you. You have made my life better by being in it. You have strengthened my faith in friendship and made me see what it is all about. Thank you for being you and for being here for me.

So, yes, a couple of my friendships have ended. And, yes, in the beginning I was upset. It bothered me, but it bothered me because they ended in ways that I wasn't happy with. But we don't always get what we want, do we? Luckily, I'm realizing I have exactly what I need in my friends and that's all that matters.


LunaNik said...

Over the years my circle of friends has shrank to 4. 4 women that I know I can depend on. 4 women who love me as much as I love them. 4 women who I can talk to about anything. And that's it. All of my other "friends" are gone. It's me and my 4 friends(god I sound like that cell phone commercial don't I???)

Girl said...

I get how you feel. Friends are hard, really hard. Especially women friends.

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