Friday, April 23, 2010


I don't blame God for things.

I don't think that God causes cancer.

I don't believe that God takes people from us with no regard for our feelings.

I don't think that God sends hurricanes and earthquakes to punish us.

I have very rarely, if ever, doubted God.  My faith is extremely important to me, it is something I hold close to me at all times but most especially at times when things are difficult.  I pray.  I trust in God.  And I do believe that there is a plan for us.

It's my belief and I do my best not to force it on to other people.  My relationship with God is just that, mine.

But just like any other relationship God and I have our ups and downs.

Right now, it's a down point.

I'm pretty angry or frustrated or something with God.

I haven't walked away from him, and I won't.  But CRAP am I angry!  (I was going to say 'GOD am I angry!' but I thought that would be odd)

When I first went to my doctor years ago because I was having medical issues, I knew something was wrong.  Duh. I did go to the doctor and all.  When they found tumors growing on my thyroid and I was sent to specialists and started getting ready for treatment.  I was somewhat prepared.  It was not something coming out of left field.  It was hard but I was "prepared".

When I went for my first mammogram it was because I had found a lump and my doctor had found another.  When I went for the mammograms after that it was because I knew there were problems and my doctors were finding problems.  When I go for my next mammogram in June it will be because there is a suspicion of something.  I know it's coming.  It doesn't mean the results will be bad but if they are, I'm "prepared".

Two weeks ago I went for my annual check up with my OB/Gyn and it was routine.  Simple, even.  We chatted and laughed.  It was like seeing an old friend, who scrapes your insides and sees how your lady parts are doing.  A week later when I got a phone call on my way home from work telling my pap smear was abnormal, I was not prepared.

I have been very, very, VERY lucky.  My thyroid was treated successfully and I'm in remission and my disease is maintained.  My mammograms have been clean and I am breast cancer free.  The scares are, well, scary but that's all.

I am starting to worry that my luck may run out.

I am not assuming that this is bad.  I am not saying that this abnormal result is anything more than what many many MANY woman have, a fluke abnormal pap.  What am I saying is that I wasn't ready for this.  And it scares me.

A friend I discussed why this is so different for me from my breast cancer "scares" and why it's made me angry with God.  This came out of nowhere, and I know that's how it is for a lot of people, but it really blindsided me.

The husband and I have been talking about getting ready to try for a third child.  If, and I say IF knowing full well this will most like be NOTHING, this turns out to be something more than nothing that choice to have a third may have been taken away from us.  And that makes me angry.

I went through a rough patch a few months ago where I was all consumed with fear about disease and what if my mammogram in June is bad.  I am at the point now where I know I have to think positively and not worry about June until June.  I was on an upswing.  I feel like the upswing has been halted sort of. And that makes me angry.

I know there are people who suffer much greater losses and who experience far worse pain.  I know that there are people who will go for a routine mammogram and receive a devastating result.  I know that there are people who have tumors and cases that turn out far more devastating than what I can know.  I don't deny that.

But I'm angry.  I'm angry that this plan that I seem to be living is not the plan that I prepared for.  I'm angry that these experiences seem to pile on top of me sometimes and come out of left field.  I'm angry because sometimes I just don't want to deal with it.

I don't want to have my cervix scraped and possibly biopsied next week. (I'm not sure anyone does)  I don't want to go back to my doctor if it's not for an ultrasound to see if I'm pregnant.  I don't want doctor visits that could result in bad news.

I feel like my 5 year old at dinner last night when I tried to make him try Stove Top Stuffing (awesome, by the way).  He jumped up and down and shouted "I DON'T WANT TO!" before he went and hid behind our dining room curtains.

I just don't want to anymore.

And I'm angry.

And I think that's ok.  I trust that this will go the way it's supposed to but I'm afraid of how it will get there.  I believe that this plan, even though I'm not happy about it, is the right one-for some reason beyond me.  I believe that God knows what is best for me and my family.

But CRAP I am so freaking angry at him right now.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

What's Up Doc?

My student loans are astronomical.  Seriously huge.  It's because I changed my mind about graduate school each time I saw a different school sweatshirt that I really liked.

No, seriously.

But I've finally settled into a Masters degree program that I am enjoying and I know is the right one for me.  And when I started the program I told my husband that this was it.  I was done with school after this.  I mean really, I've been in school since I was 3 years old.  I think it's time to stop.

Or not.

Recently, after very little thought.  Almost no consideration.  And less than zero prayer.  I've decided to pursue my doctorate in education.


Really, I feel like if my student loans are going to look like I went to Medical School I should at least get to be called doctor.

No, but really, pursuing my doctorate in education is important to me and I never really saw how much until just recently.  I have worked so hard to get to this place, this spot in my career and my education, that to simply stop after I achieve this Masters degree is just not enough for me.

It feels good to know that I have something and some place to go after I'm done with this.  It feels right to be able to say that my next step is towards my doctorate.  And at the same time scary.  But good scary.

So, the loans can build up and the school work can be piled on and the late nights can continue because my husband is going to call me Doctor some day and I'm TOTALLY going to use that against him!!

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