Monday, February 28, 2011


My son walked into school today with one shoe untied, the wrong sweatpants on and I'm fairly certain his WHITE gym shirt had at least one stain on it (despite CRAPLOADS of bleaching!).

When I picked my daughter up at daycare she was wearing a pair of hand me down boys' jeans and a t-shirt that I was SURE I had put into the rag pile.

I had very high hopes for myself as a mom.  I had thought I was going to the mom whose kids were always dressed in clothes without stains. 

Whose kids were on time or even early for school and activities. 

Whose kids always had perfectly made sandwiches and never stayed home from school unless they were ridiculously sick.


I can't tell you how many mornings I'm yelling at my 6 year old because he won't brush his teeth and he's too busy playing his DS to find his sneakers.  Or how many times we've had to turn around in the morning because we left a lunch bag or a bookbag at home. 

Or the number of times I've fed my children McDonald's for dinner....or lunch.

Go ahead, crucify me.

But right now, my children are completely packed for our trip to Disney on Thursday.

Right now, the lunches for them to bring to school tomorrow are packed and in the fridge ready to go.

Right now, the assignment that my son had due on Wednesday is ready to go in tomorrow.

Right now, my kids are asleep and have been since 6:50pm tonight.

Sometimes I'm on a roll.  Sometimes I feel like everything is gelling and we're moving together smoothly and sleekly. 

Sometimes I feel like I've got my shit in line so well that I deserve mother of the year.

And then, well, I don't.

And 5 years ago, 4 years ago, hell, 3 years ago, that would have sent me spiraling.  I would have been so upset and would have felt like I was doing such a huge disservice to my children.

I would have felt like I was a failure as a woman, a wife and most especially a mom.

But my daughter says please and thank you without being prompted.

My son cleans up after himself at dinner time.

My daughter dances her heart out like no one is watching and stops to give hugs and kisses to anyone in her family.

My son makes his bed each day and puts his dirty clothes where they belong at the end of the day.

I may not always get my kids to school on time or remember to cut the crusts off their sandwiches or get them in the bath every night but my kids are really great kids.  They are smart and funny and kind (not always to one another).  They are polite and friendly and compassionate.

Most of all they are happy.

And I'm pretty sure that makes me a success as a mom.  So far.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I sometimes feel very restricted on here.

There are things that I want to write or talk about that involve people that read this blog.

There are things I need to express and I want to use this venue but I don't necessarily want people reading it and thinking or knowing it's about them.

There are situations and instances that I want unbiased feedback on but that I can't share because the people that are involved would read it here.

I could very well write about the situations.  Share the feelings.  Talk about the instances that occur.  And then just deal with the upheaval and aftermath.

Or I could start another blog and do it all anonymously.

Or I could just keep it all to myself and keep it inside.

Those three solutions don't necessarily appeal to me.

But they're all I've got.

Because there's some stuff that I just want to let out but I can't do it here because that would mean that real life would get very very sticky and right now, I just don't need that.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Best Is Yet to Come

I really feel like I'm turning a corner.

I feel like things are coming into perspective and there's a true sense of moving on for me.

We received the genetics results this week from my miscarriage.

We were having a boy.

Everything else doesn't really matter.  Well, it does, but I don't feel the need to put it out here.

It is what it is and now we know.

And as my mom said, we have the knowledge and now we need to move forward with it.

This loss was terrible.  It was devastatingly sad and the thought of going through it again is scary but not so scary that we can't move forward and try again.  There are still days where I have to stop and remind myself that we're not pregnant.  There are days when the sight of baby items sends me into a depressive tailspin.  There are days when all I want to do is lay on my couch and watch endless hours of Grey's Anatomy.

And then there are the other days.  The days where I forget that this happened.  The days where my kids are so off the wall and hysterical that I don't have time to stop and be sad.  The days where my students have me laughing so hard that I can't catch my breath.  The days where basketball games are won or softball seasons are planned out and good times are spent with friends.

And both of these types of days will continue.  I know that.  I hope, though, that the second type outnumber the first type!

We got answers this week and they really helped.  Having some idea about what went on has been helpful.  It has been helpful to give us some closure.  It has been helpful to give us something to research and understand.  And it has been helpful to aid us in our decision of what to do next and when.

I thought that knowing what we were having would affect more than it did.  I thought it would devastate me to know that we lost a daughter or son, as it were.  I thought that knowing what our child would have been would have sent me into a deeper depression.  But I think it made it that much more real for me which, oddly, helped me grasp this and really move forward.  It helped me put a "face" to the loss and know that this was all very real and very hard but also something that we are coming through stronger.

This week has been ridiculously hard.  I am sick as a dog.  My 3 year old has Scarlet Fever.  My husband is stressed at work.  My 5 year old has been off the wall poorly behaved in many ways.  And we had two snow/ice days stuck inside!  It's been un-fun!  But I believe it's the end.  I believe it's the end of a bad month, of a bad spell, of our bad luck.

And the best is yet to come because we're moving forward.  And it's about damned time!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ignorance or Possible Bliss?

Have you ever ignored your doctor's orders?

How much weight do you put in what your doctor tells you to do?

I take my antibiotics.  I go for x-rays when needed.  I see the specialists and follow their orders.

But I received some news yesterday and some advice yesterday and I'm seriously considering ignoring it. 

How do you weigh whether or not your doctor's advice and recommendation is sound or is just a means of feigning off a law suit?

I trust my doctor 110%.  She is a wonderful person.  She is caring, knowledgeable, and kind. 

But my heart and my gut and even my head are telling me that this time around I need to take control.

If I ignore her advice and things go wrong, I have no intention of blaming her.  But really, from what I'm seeing it's a pretty big IF.

So, what do you do?

Do you heed the advice?  Do you listen, as you always have, and follow the advice?

Or do you pick yourself up from the unexpected and upsetting news and say, "well, I really do have control over this (for the most part) and I believe I know what's right for my family and I" ?

I'm pretty sure I already know the answer.

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