Thursday, February 3, 2011

The Best Is Yet to Come

I really feel like I'm turning a corner.

I feel like things are coming into perspective and there's a true sense of moving on for me.

We received the genetics results this week from my miscarriage.

We were having a boy.

Everything else doesn't really matter.  Well, it does, but I don't feel the need to put it out here.

It is what it is and now we know.

And as my mom said, we have the knowledge and now we need to move forward with it.

This loss was terrible.  It was devastatingly sad and the thought of going through it again is scary but not so scary that we can't move forward and try again.  There are still days where I have to stop and remind myself that we're not pregnant.  There are days when the sight of baby items sends me into a depressive tailspin.  There are days when all I want to do is lay on my couch and watch endless hours of Grey's Anatomy.

And then there are the other days.  The days where I forget that this happened.  The days where my kids are so off the wall and hysterical that I don't have time to stop and be sad.  The days where my students have me laughing so hard that I can't catch my breath.  The days where basketball games are won or softball seasons are planned out and good times are spent with friends.

And both of these types of days will continue.  I know that.  I hope, though, that the second type outnumber the first type!

We got answers this week and they really helped.  Having some idea about what went on has been helpful.  It has been helpful to give us some closure.  It has been helpful to give us something to research and understand.  And it has been helpful to aid us in our decision of what to do next and when.

I thought that knowing what we were having would affect more than it did.  I thought it would devastate me to know that we lost a daughter or son, as it were.  I thought that knowing what our child would have been would have sent me into a deeper depression.  But I think it made it that much more real for me which, oddly, helped me grasp this and really move forward.  It helped me put a "face" to the loss and know that this was all very real and very hard but also something that we are coming through stronger.

This week has been ridiculously hard.  I am sick as a dog.  My 3 year old has Scarlet Fever.  My husband is stressed at work.  My 5 year old has been off the wall poorly behaved in many ways.  And we had two snow/ice days stuck inside!  It's been un-fun!  But I believe it's the end.  I believe it's the end of a bad month, of a bad spell, of our bad luck.

And the best is yet to come because we're moving forward.  And it's about damned time!


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