Monday, January 14, 2008

Why

I've been a bad blogger, I don't deny it. I haven't written in close to a week. My reading has been less than Stellar. I've been completely out of the loop and I feel bad but oh well! I'm back...it was a long week that went by quickly last week. We have exams coming up and I've been consumed with that. Plus, I think I've been in a funk. I didn't really realize I was in the funk or am in the funk but I am. The holidays are over. Which, I'm kind of ok with but at the same time, they were so good and I enjoyed them that I wouldn't mind having them back. The house is a DISASTER because we get 15 minutes here or there to actually put stuff away. The weather has been weird which has of course brought colds back to our house. And I spent a lot of last week on the phone with insurance companies and doctors' offices and I just don't feel like doing it anymore.

I don't think I usually get these winter blues, or at least I've never noticed them in the past. And I don't think that I have the winter blues now but I think I'm just in a funk! It's that time after all the hoopla when you have to figure out how to pay for the hoopla and clean up after the hoopla and bring the kids back down from the hoopla and I think the hoopla took all the energy out of me so I don't want to do anything!!

It's funny, I didn't really write anything last week but I've been thinking about a lot and each time I think, "Hmmm, that's a good thing to blog about. I should do that." Then I go to sit down and actually write and I either fall asleep or I have papers to grade or an insurance company to yell at or an appointment to make. It just never ends! Which is ok, I know that's how it is, but I think it just caught up to me. You know?

One thing I have been thinking about it the question 'Why?'. In the past 2 to 3 years I have asked that question quite a bit and not so much in a serious, sad, depressed sort of way but just in passing, "Why this? Why now?" And it's not always about bad stuff, it can be about the good stuff, too. I try not to question the good stuff because it makes me feel very cynical and negative but sometimes I do wonder.

I'm not the type of person to blame things on God. I am Catholic, I practice my faith, I teach my faith, I believe in God, I trust God, I have pretty strong faith- I have to. Once in my life have I ever "blamed" God and really questioned motives or thoughts or his or her part. A friend of mine lost her father quite suddenly and violently when I was a senior in high school and I can vividly remember saying to my mother, "I don't understand why God would allow this happen." I don't think that God does these things. I think many things happen for reasons that we sometimes eventually understand and sometimes we'll never know and I do believe that a lot of it is part of some larger plan. But I think we make choices that are 100% ours. That's our free will. But lately, I've been thinking a lot about why. A lot of it has been related to my accident and unfortunately for reasons beyond my control (aka Legal) I can't talk about any of that and that's difficult for me. Some of it has been related to other things that just merit a passing why and an answer of, "because, that's just how it is right now and things will work out". A lot of it used to be about my health. I asked a lot of whys about my health and more often than not I would ask and then put it out of my head and forget about it because it really is often pointless. I can't know why right now. Over the years, I've gotten some answers to old why questions but the more recent stuff, I don't really know the answer and I'm pretty much ok with that.

So, I'm here. I've been asking why a lot. I wish I could talk about it more, maybe in a few months. I've been angry a lot, too. Again, wish I could share but can't. I think sharing the fact that I've been angry is enough right now because I'm sure many of you can understand what might be behind the anger. The winter appears to be getting back into full swing. My weight watchers is in full swing and I think I'm doing pretty well. I weigh in tonight...we shall see. I'm determined to get some cleaning done tonight before I pass out cold on top of all of my papers. And hopefully, I'll be leaving this funk behind and getting geared up for these next few weeks of business- the super bowl, two birthday parties to plan, a possibly surgery, and a big family wedding! It should be fun!

On a much lighter and fun note- I'm pretty sure the girl has said her first word, although everyone thinks I'm nuts. I heard her say 'hi' to me the other day when I said it to her. It was cute! Then this weekend she consumed, for the first time ever, sour cream, guacamole, and refried beans! I was shocked- as were my two friends who were with me! The child is an eating machine! It's a good thing I have her and the boy around- they keep me smiling and laughing (most of the time). Oh and the husband does, too! :)

6 comments:

Don Mills Diva said...

Sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot to be thankful for - having said that it's pretty common to feel a little down in January. I know I do...

LunaNik said...

yes i noticed you were on a hiatus. sometimes you just get caught up in your real life and your virtual life has to suffer.

i sooooo hear you about the funk. i hate the funk.

and your baby's first word!! how exciting!!

Kelly said...

If you ever get an answer to the why, please share it with me. I've got some whys of my own. Glad to have you back.

Anonymous said...

Hey Alison,

I feel the same way. My friend Teresa and I call it blahby.I can't quite put my finger on the origins of my blah condition, but I am sure the finances have something to do with it. Also, we were sick from Christmas day on , especially Hayden (bronchitis and an ear infection) and Chris ( fevers, dizziness because of majorly clogged ears). Illness also ruined our anniversary NOV 30th. So I totally identify with your blahs. I think they are normal. You are a teacher- hello stress city!!!!! I wish you well with the exams. I will say a prayer for you. I also will pray that you somehow banish the blahs or that they leave of their own accord. I really hope to see you again soon. Hang in there Alison- you are going to get past the blahs. smiles, Rachel

OHmommy said...

Me too... I am in a funk. At least we are not alone right?

Glad to see you back!

Huckdoll said...

Girl, somtimes it's good to step away from the blogosphere and just live. It's a crazy world in here!

 
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