Finding out and Not Forgetting

So my one of my best friends thought that she and her husband were pregnant over these past few days. I have to admit that the thought of her being pregnant and having a baby got me beyond excited. Visions of maternity clothes shopping, registry planning, baby showering planning and 9 months of ultrasounds and ob appointments ran through my head and I was super psyched! Turns out they are not pregnant this month. That's ok. When it's right it will happen. And it will be even better because I will have had time to build it up and build up the excitement! It got me thinking about being pregnant and finding out we were pregnant.

Our son was "planned". We were trying for him. We were charting and trying and waiting. I clearly remember the Friday that I found out we were pregnant. It was my last day of work for the year. We got out early that year because of extensive construction on the school. I was late. Not for work. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative with my "first morning urine". I was disappointed but I went on my way and headed into work. That night I was planning on going out to dinner with a good friend and I needed to stop and get some wine, it was a BYOB place and clearly I could still drink. I went through my day and came home and got dressed and since I was STILL late I decided to take another test, my last one. You guessed it. It came out positive. WTH?!??! I was shocked. I won't deny it. The one that was supposed to contain the most hormone came out negative and then this spur of the moment one was positive. I had wine to drink. My husband wasn't home. Who was I going to tell? Who was I going to share this news with? I couldn't call my mom because we had worked out this special way we wanted to tell our parents when we found out we were pregnant and I didn't want to ruin that. I shared it with no one. I went on my way. Grabbed the wine and headed to dinner to meet my friend.

I got to the restaurant. One that we frequented so people knew us there and immediately took the wine from me. I had to grab it back. I didn't want it opened yet. The waiter didn't understand. Why I had brought wine if I didn't want it opened? My friend didn't understand either. I was confused. So we sat. I guarded the wine like it was my J-O-B. Then I looked at my friend and explained the situation. She was the very first person to find out we were expecting. We both decided she would drink for both of us. After dinner, I went to the supermarket and bought close to $60 worth of pregnancy tests because I wanted to be sure. I took one as soon as I got home and it was positive. Then I waited until I heard the husband upstairs and I immediately took another and surprised him with the positive test. My parents didn't find out until a week later because they were away in Florida and I didn't want to tell them over the phone. When they did find out we did it with special bibs and books about loving grandma and grandpa. It was great.

Our daughter, as I've mentioned before, was a BIG surprise. I had just gone through my second dose of radiation and we were told we wouldn't be able to have more kids for awhile, if at all. I was late, again. I woke up around 5 that morning....a Friday again I believe. I had taken a blood test a week earlier that came out negative (necessary for radiation). I had also taken 3 home tests that were negative. I had one test left and I decided to use it on whim just in case kind of thing. It was 5 in the morning. I was waiting for the shower to heat up. I peed on the stick and within moments it read pregnant (I like the digital tests, they're so much easier to read!). I can honestly say I have no idea what I did from that moment on. I know I showered. I don't know if I washed my hair or brushed my teeth. I know I told my husband first. I also know I left the pee laden test on his night table (he likes to mention that when I tell this story). I can remember being so afraid for the life inside of me. So afraid that the radiation had permanently scarred this child. So afraid that this life would not make it. So afraid of what the next 10 months would bring if this child did survive. It was a horrible morning. I spent my ride into work on the phone with my mother because I had no idea where to go or what to do. I told work that morning that I was pregnant. I spent the day on the phone with every doctor I knew and had ever seen. I'm pretty sure I was in my OB's office within hours of that positive test. Luckily, the next 8 months, while completely stressful and nervewracking, produced the most gorgeous red headed blue eyed little girl that anyone could ask for.

Those memories will never leave me. I don't forget easily. It really bothered me a few months back after my last dose of radiation that my memory was starting to fail me. It wasn't that general mom stressed out busy forgetfulness. I was forgetting everything and it really upset me. I remember everything. And I don't just mean information. I don't forget people. I don't forget to make sure people are ok. I don't forget to check on people that I care about or that I once cared about. And I always try to remember how much people mean to me or meant to me and that regardless of anything else they are still people and have feelings and needs. I don't forget.

I am so excited for the day that I get the message, in whatever form, that H and D are expecting. I know I'll immediately be on the horn to N to plan whatever we can. I know it will probably be a crazy 9 months. I know it will be 9 months of excitement and expectation and I know H can't wait, neither can I!! They may not be ready but I am!!!