Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A Walk to Remember

When I was in therapy for my PPD, and other issues, my therapist routinely told me that if I exercised it would help me to start moving out of the fog of depression. I exercised sporadically. It helped sporadically.

Since I started Weight Watchers, I've been relying on the fact that I've been eating better and cutting back on my portions to help me lose weight. And it's worked. The past week or two I haven't been as Weight Watchers faithful as I should have been, or could have been. But I have introduced exercise, again. I've been doing exercise DVDs and I count my PT as some sort of exercise. Actually I count my PT as more than some sort. They take a total body approach to therapy at my PT office and I've been working my entire body in order to help my shoulder. So, yeah, I count that as exercise.

Today, I did a 30 minute walking for weight loss video (GREAT workout!!) and then went out for a walk around our development. I popped in my iPod and I was ready to go. Excited, even, to go. The first song that came on my iPod was Frou Frou "Let Go". Extremely apropos. It set a really good tone for me. It got me thinking. I walked. I walked out of our section of the development and down our hill and into a different development. Simon and Garfunkel came on next, "The Only Living Boy in New York". I was thinking about what has been going on. I was thinking about the changes that my life has gone through over the past months and years. I was thinking about good I was feeling in this moment of exercise. I was thinking about how if I did this regularly than Pepper, my therapist, was SO RIGHT!

Next came Van Morrison. I love Van Morrison. I love his voice. I love what he sings about. I love what he makes me think of when I hear his music. It was "Warm Love". This song brought into the big hill. There is this hill that leads into the second part of our development. It's big. It's not really steep but it's big. I mean BIG. The husband and I used to walk it with the boy in his stroller and our out of shape asses could barely make it up the hill. Routinely, we would turn around mid hill and head back the way we came. Today, I contemplated turning around. I could see the horizon and the top of the hill and yet it was too much for me. I just wanted to turn around. I am out of shape. I was winded. I needed a break. Then the Corrs came on. "Breathless". HAH! How ironic! This song is about a relationship but, God, at that moment I was TOTALLY BREATHLESS!!

Then I had a moment. The hill was what I've been dealing with. The hill is what I'm still climbing. The hill SUCKS but it's totally necessary and completely worth climbing because the top is just so nice and rewarding. I really had to push myself up to the top of the hill. I was breathing hard and for a few moments I felt bad about myself. But I realized that I was at the top. I had made it. I had not turned around and quit. I climbed the hill and I never stopped. I kept walking....I don't know what song came on next. I think it might have been "Overkill" by Collin Hay, but I'm not sure. I kept walking.

I walked past where our pool was supposed to be built. I walked past the house we were supposed to buy. The one with the giant deck and the gorgeous basement. The one we would not have moved into until our son was more than a year old. I had no regrets about not buying that house. I kept walking. I walked down streets that hold houses that look just like ours except their doors are green. I walked past houses that are lived in and houses that are not. I walked past the house that our next door neighbors were to have bought and it made me think. What if we had bought the house with the basement and what if they had bought the house they originally wanted? What would be different? How would things be now? Would we still be in the same place we are now? I don't know the answers. Honestly, I don't know the answers because I can barely answer the questions that surround the current situation. How could I possibly answer the 'what if' questions?! I kept walking.

I came to end of the developed part of our development. I came to the construction part. And here is where I reveal an "interesting" part of me. The song that came on my iPod was from the movie 'Enchanted'. That's right. That movie that every 11 year old girl loves with McDreamy and Amy Adams. From that movie. The song is upbeat and happy. It was the perfect song for that moment. I was feeling melancholy. I was feeling sad in that moment. I was confused and unsure. Then the song came on and I started down the rocky hill back towards our part of the development. I could see EVERYTHING that the land in front of me had to hold. I saw houses beyond ours. I saw open land and trees and fields and the mountains. I saw it all and it was really beautiful. In that instant I was ok with living where we live. It was gorgeous. Seriously beautiful. I kept walking.

I walked the same steps that we had walked last night with the boy and the girl, as a family. I navigated my way down the hill through the small rocks and the big rocks. I stepped carefully and made my way back to our street. I walked around our cul de sac and made it back into our driveway and back to our door. Listening to "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles. I entered our home and I was upbeat. I had left our home looking for some exercise. I had left looking to take a break and wanting to listen to my iPod. I had left wanting to get off on the right foot to get in shape. I got all of that. I also got the chance to think. To reflect. To almost see how things could be different and ask myself if I really wanted them to be different.

Things are hard right now. Really hard. I hate PT. I am having trouble dealing with my accident- that happened in OCTOBER. I never processed it. I get anxiety when I drive by the spot where it happened. Some days I even start to cry. I hate the effect that this whole thing has had on our lives. I'm tired of not having money. I love my job, I just wish it paid more. My husband loves his job, we just wish it paid more. I'm ready for grad school to be done- I've done it for 2.5 years. I'm not always happy where we're living for many reasons. I have unresolved anger. I'm sad some days. I can't stand going to doctors anymore. I hate that my child has lived a medical drama in his short three years. (I think it's wonderful that he is better and doing so GREAT!) I sometimes just need a break. But you know what? Other than the unnecessary bad crap, I wouldn't change it. The crap makes me stronger. All that we've been dealing with makes us better. It teaches me lessons and shows me what is important. It sucks a lot of the time but the more I live it and come out on the other side, I see how vitally important and necessary all of it is. I see how it makes me a more compassionate and understanding person. I see how it gives me strength and determination. I do my very best not to let it all break me. It hasn't yet.


OHmommy said...

I love how music sometimes reads our minds and sets the tone.

Hang in there. I know it is cheesy and I have told you before but I really believe it is in God's hands. We are so young and have so much to look forward to.

Have a good day, Stella the stripper/teacher. LOL. :)

Karen C. said...

Wow, Stella...what a great, heartfelt post. As a girl who has a "thing" about music and lyrics, I'm not surprised at all that the music on your iPod made you think about your life like that. You'll get through it. I'm sure of it.

Motherhood for Dummies said...

Oh you know the Frou Frous. I love them...also I am in love with Simon & Garkunle...but Billy Joel fan here too. You might like a groupd called the Postal Service...a little different, but listen to will love them! try the song Recycled Air...pretty good :)

LunaNik said...

Magnificent post girlfriend. This is some of your finest writing yet, I think. And, you summed it up perfectly at the end.

Kelly said...

It won't break you because you are so strong. Although, there is nothing wrong with breaking down for the pure, sweet, release of it. You have been through so much, allow yourself to process that in whatever form you need to. Know you have people here in bloggy land who will be there if you need a shoulder to lean on. And, btw, your taste in music totally rocks. I really do think we are twin souls, babe! Come hang out on Long Island. Seriously, there is an open door policy at me casa.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Alison,

I wish I could give you a hug. I am so sorry that all these things have happened in a short span of time. Heck, I am sorry they happened at all.
When I first met you, I thought to myself, not going to fall to pieces like you do Rachel, if she sees a mole scuttle across the floor. Then I got to know you and I became convinced you were more than just "tough". I saw you deal with people who didn't take the time to get to know you. I saw how they affected you. You were and are a wonderful compassionate and tough (in a good way- we can't all fall apart because moles remind of us of vermin and happen to be visiting the preschool we work in unexpectedly) human being who is secure enough with herself to show her emotions. I think it's great you used the time on the walk to reflect and to release your anger, your fears, your stresses, your disappointments. Remember it's ok to be tough about moles or vermin, after all they are the scariest creatures on the Earth - are they not? But it's not ok to be tough on yourself and think that you have to hold everything inside. So good for you!!! You allowed yourself time to get in touch with your feelings and not brush them aside to fulfill one of your many roles in life. Keep up the exercise and have fun doing it!!!
Talk to you soon!!!
smiles, Rachel

Ps. It's late so pardon the length and maybe the poor writing. LOL

Huckdoll said...

I'm so happy to hear you made it to the top of the hill to experience all of that reflection and thought. Keep doing it and you'll have such a beautiful tushie, really. All the people I know who've lost weight and look fabulous and the ones who walk and run hills.

It's almost as if that walk and each purposeful track that played on your iPod was meant to be. Really, everything seems to flow so nicely for you.

You'll be alright, hun. Really, you are such a trooper. Just keep walking, listening, thinking and writing your thoughts out - it's so therapeutic.

Momo Fali said...

What? No John Denver?

On a serious note...we have had a ton of drama since our son was born almost six years ago. We were heavily in debt from renovating our house, then my son was born with TONS of health problems. He had eight surgeries in five years and still faces two heart surgeries. He's still getting OT and speech too. We started our own business, it failed. Life has been hard. BUT, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason you're going through all this crap. Hang in there.

Alison said...

you are so right Stella, the crap always makes you will come out the other side a much better person than before...I promise!

April said...

I love how music can do that for us - keep us going, show us a new way to look at things. I'm not sure that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but it sure gives us a new perspective!

Kate said...

My therapist tells me to "eat right, sleep right, and get a little exercise." Most days I just want her to shut up, but the "Get a little exercise." Darned if she's right. And walking is the only thing I can do since my accident (three years ago). It helps, it really does. Hang in there!

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