Saturday, March 15, 2008

Blogginhg Begninngs and An Anxiety Attack

I started this blog for a few different reasons. People encouraged me. They thought I was funny and my stories about my kids and our lives were funny. They said should write them down, if for no other reason, I would have them forever. I'm not a diary or journal keeper. I've tried. When I was younger I tried to keep a diary because I thought it was important, I thought it was the cool thing to do. It ended up being things like, "Oh my god, I love Brian so much. He's so good looking. I wonder if he likes me?" You know, typical immature girlie crap. I stopped pretty quickly. It just couldn't hold my interest. It was not important to me.
When my children were born I lovingly chose their baby books. I searched high and low for what I felt was the perfect book for my then unborn child. I wanted something to chronicle their lives and the milestones. I found two that I loved and I try my best to write in as much as possible.
As their lives have progressed and I have returned to work much of my time, especially at work, is spent in front of a computer. This blog and my time in front of my laptop has given me the chance to create something not only for myself, but also for my children, that will hopefully last a very long time. I have been given the chance to chronicle my thoughts and feelings surrounding motherhood and womanhood. I have been given the chance to let out my frustrations about everyday life with my family and friends. I have been given the chance to share with anyone who reads, the love and devotion that I have to my family and friends, especially my children. This blog was begun because I thought I was funny and sometimes I am. This blog has become my journal, my outlet, my means of making new friends, my solace, my whatever I want it to be. And while I do hold back on certain things because something the repercussions in real life are just not worth it, I do share quite a bit on here and I am brutally honest. I hope that my children, one day, will see the value in this and treasure the thoughts and words that I have put down as they've grown and taught me how to be a mom, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a sister and a woman.

I was going to write a letter to my daughter but I think I shall save that for a separate post because it's too important to me. Let me tell you about my night last night and how it made me realize just how much of a mom I am.

So, I went out after work last night with my friends H and N. They both live in PA, and not the close part of PA. I met H down by her job about 45 minutes from my job and we did a little shopping for the girl's birthday party and then headed another 45 minutes or so into PA to H's house. I hadn't been there since she and her husband bought it so it was nice to finally get the grand tour. As we were getting off the highway in PA my phone rings and it's the husband. Let me first tell you that he was WELL AWARE that I was going out last night. AND he was WELL AWARE that I was going down to PA. We had pre arranged this about two weeks ago and I made sure to remind him every other day about it. So, the phone rings....

Me: Hello?

Husb: Hey, you're getting the kids right?

Me: NO I'M IN PENNSYLVANIA! (Not angry more surprised than anything else!)

Husb: What?!? What are you doing in PA?!?!

Me: Husband, I told you! I'm going out with H and N tonight. They live in PA. Remember? (Getting increasingly worried at this point because it is now 5pm and the daycare closes at 6:30 and the husband works about 40 minutes away.)

Husb: Oh, that's right. I guess I didn't even realize! Sorry about that!

Me: It's don't have to be sorry. But, are you going to be able to get the kids? Do I need to turn around? (Knowing full well that even if I turned around and did 80 the whole way, I would NEVER EVER make it there by 6:30.)

Husb: No, I'm just a little behind. I'll get them. It's fine. Let me go and get things done. Love you.

Me: Are you sure? Ok, love you. Call you on my way home.

We hung up. I was a little shaken to be quite honest. Then my mind started reeling.....
What if he didn't get there in time?!?!
What if the kids were stuck at daycare?
What if they never got picked up?
Who could I call to get them?
What was I going to do?
Were we really becoming those parents that practically forget their kids at daycare?
How long would it take my parents to get up there to pick up the kids?
Should I call my parents now?
Was daycare going to call our emergency contacts?
Was daycare going to call DYFS if we didn't show? (This I knew wouldn't happen until an hour of not being able to contact anyone and then they call the cops.)
Should I turn around?
Oh my poor kids...I could feel the tears in my eyes. I could feeling the tingling of hyperventilation starting. I could feel myself shaking. I was seriously worried. Was the husband going to get there in time? I could call my parents but a)I didn't want to put them out, b) I didn't want them to sit in miserable traffic on a Friday afternoon and c) I didn't think they would make it in time! Calling our emergency contacts was not an option. What was going to happen? I felt TOTALLY and completely helpless so far away. And then the guilt set in. If I had just come home after work and not been selfish and wanted to go out with my friends my kids would be fine and home and starting to eat dinner. They would not be sitting at daycare completely unaware of the fact that their mother was in PA hanging out and their father was running late worried about not being able to pick them up.
I arrived at H's house and told her what was going on. Then it hit me. My husband is 32 years old. He is perfectly capable of figuring this out. He knows that if he REALLY needed to he could call my parents. He knows that he needs to have someone there because daycare will call the other contacts and that can't happen. He knows that he needs to get his ass out of work and get to the daycare center. I should not feel guilty for going out on a Friday after a long week. I should not feel selfish for taking a night out to see two friends whom I haven't seen in quite awhile. I should not be hyperventilating over this, but I was.
H and I talked and chatted, she reassured me it would all be fine. It didn't help that neither of us had cell service at her house but at the same time it did. I wasn't constantly watching my phone waiting for a text or phone call from daycare or the husband but I was thinking that I was missing one. N finally arrived and we headed out. I got in my car and immediately called the husband. He was home. He had the kids. Everything had been fine and gone smoothly. I let out a breath and relaxed.
In that moment of relaxation after knowing that my kids were home safe and my husband was with them I realize that the moments when I don't feel like a mom for whatever reason, are fleeting. There are the days and moments where I can't comprehend the fact that I've given life to two children. I can't get over the idea that these two lives are mine and the husband's FOREVER. To care for and love and provide for as long as we live, no matter what. There are days that I don't like being mom. There are days when I don't feel like mom. There days that I just can't believe I am mom. But yesterday, I realized I am most definitely mom and I am totally and completely happy about that. Although the heart stopping-anxiety attack-hyperventilating moments I could do without!


Motherhood for Dummies said...

ha ha I have had that moment several times with my husband and I have to same thought...he is perfectly responsible enough to handle this. He isn't going to do _____ and he will know to do _____. And even though this has happened several times I still havea little panick attack before I repeat these things to myself

Kelly said...

I don't think I ever stop feeling like a mom, and yes a good deal of that is panic inducing. I hope you had an awesome time on your night out.
Much Love!

LunaNik said...

Ah yes, the anxiety attack that comes with the thought of hubby's possible incompetence. I know it well ;)

OHmommy said...

LOL.... I have had many of those moments and am writing something JUSLT like this for Monday's post.

We really do think alike. I think it is time for us to start calling each other. Call me 1-321-378-3896. Okay

that isn;t my number. Email me and I will give it to you. :)

Momo Fali said...

They don't go away either. My Mom is still worrying about us and we range in age from 36 to 52!

Huckdoll said...

I still panic every weekend when I go to work and Baby Daddy has the girls! Always!

BuzzeeDad said...

Haha - a stock ticker on the day the fed changes the interest rate's got nothing on a parent's brain rattling out "what ifs" when they are late for pre-school pick up. I've been there. Too many times!

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