Let's See If You're Really Here

There's nothing particularly important about this except I'm curious.

There's a rumor going around within my friends that some of them- who I have never mentioned this space to- have been reading it.

Yes, it's on Facebook that I write here.

Yes, I use Twitter occasionally.

Yes, I will talk openly in person about every subject covered on here.

But, I still find it weird, odd, off putting, when a friend says, "Uh, yeah I read your blog and I saw what you said about Lady Gaga." 

(I've never said anything about Lady Gaga, that I can remember.  Except I love her. I really only dislike Judas. The Edge of Glory might be one of my favorite songs right now and the fact that the Big Man is featured on it doesn't hurt!)

Sometimes I get thrown off because I worry that maybe I said something that offended them.  And then I remind myself that this is my space and while it is out in Internet Land for all to see I'm really not saying anything here that I don't believe and wouldn't say in person. 

Sometimes I'm weirded out because it's always the most random of my friends who mention the blog.  The ones who I'm convinced never look at their Facebook or who know how to operate a computer.

And sometimes it's just odd.  It just comes up a the strangest times like when you're driving through the Bronx searching for a way to get home from a Yankee game because your friend's stupid ass GPS doesn't recalcuate fast enough.  And you can't tell if they're really lying about seeing your blog because they like to do that to you because they think it's hysterical to see you squirm and "freak out" and they really enjoy imitating the high pitched voice you supposedly use when you get upset.

Just odd.

And I do not use a high pitched voice.  They're just a bad impersonator.  And wrong, a lot of time.

So, it appears that my blog is spreading into my real life and that's ok.  I mean, again, I'm not putting it up here if I don't believe it and if I wouldn't say it in person.

So, read away.  And if you are really reading maybe, just maybe, you'll realize how wrong you are so much of the time and how multi-faceted and how much of a "natural" I really am.  ;)

Just a Few Things

I realized this morning on my way into work that November will be here before I know it.  It's already the middle of June and the thought of two babies entering our lives within the next 4 months is somewhat scary.

And the comments from some people who know or find out we're having twins have not been helpful.

First, a few things:
1.  I have every intention of returning to work after the babies are born.  I love my job.  My work is important in the grand scheme of things and it keeps me sane. 

2.  Yes, we do have help.  I have wonderful parents who have- even before finding out we were having twins- have pledged their help to us no matter what.  My father-in-law has been willing to help us at every turn, as well.  We are well taken care of and, shockingly, we have somewhat successfully raised two children up to this point so there is a chance we might be ok with two more.

3.  I am FULLY aware of how hard this is going to be.  I don't know exactly what it's going to be like but I'm not expecting to bring my babies home on a cloud in a golden chariot.  I'm giving birth to two of them at once and that, in and of itself, scares the shit out of me. 

4.  I have already given up basketball for at least the next season but I have every intention of coaching softball.  I work with an individual who is not just another coach but he is a very good friend and he loves my kids, to boot.  He is an understanding individual who wants to make sure that we have a winning combination to create a winning team and if that means my kids are practice once in awhile, he is ok with that.  Plus, I work with a group of girls who ADORE my children.

5.  While I may not be GREAT at math I do understand the basic principles of addition and I am fully aware that 2 existing children + 2 soon to be born children = 4 children.  Yes, I will have 4 children.  Yes, we are instantaneously doubling our children.  Yes, I am aware that I am one child away from making the starting 5 of a co-ed basketball team.  Rumor has it that people have had more than 2 or 3 kids before....hell, my grandmother had 11 at one point AND was taking in foster children.

6.  While I may chuckle about the fact that God's plan never really goes the way you think it's going to, I don't need you to laugh heartily in my face about it.  I'm scared for a variety of reasons but more than ever I have put my faith in God and I know that he would not give me more than I can handle nor would He abandon me and my family during this time of joy, excitement and sometimes fear.

So, now, when you and I talk about my pregnancy or me having twins could you maybe, just maybe, remember that I'm not some freak of nature and this isn't some cruel joke.  There is a grander plan for me and maybe even for you...who knows?! 

November is going to be here before we know it and I'd really like it if maybe I could rely on you for some help and support and hopefully a hospital visit because it gets REALLY lonely in there!

For The Love of the Team

Sports have always been an integral part of my life.  Always.

I played basketball from the time I was 7 until, well, I've never stopped recreationally. 

I played softball all through grade school and college.

And in the middle came numerous other sports- Rowing, Rugby, Field Hockey, Soccer, Baseball, Golf, and the list continues.

I am an athlete and I use that term with confidence.  I push myself for the love of the sport and for the betterment of me as a person and as a competitor. 

And for my team.

I began coaching when I was in high school.  I coached girls' 7th and 8th grade girls basketball with ease and fun.  And while I didn't fully pursue coaching beyond the walls of my high school until I was teaching, I knew it was something that I wanted within my future.

I helped coach softball at the last school where I taught but with walking away from the school I also walked away from the team.

For the past three of the four years I've been teaching at my current school, I've been coaching.  And to say that I've been enjoying myself- even in times of greatest trials- is an understatement.  To be able to watch young women learn and excel at a sport that they love is an incredible feeling and to know that you are a small part of that is ever better.

Yesterday I was given an awesome opportunity to watch as a team of young women, whom I've known for the entire time I've been teaching at my current school, defied odds, challenged critics and worked together as a cohesive and supportive team.  They worked their way to a sectional state title in softball and yesterday they went to take the all over state title.

They didn't take the title but they walked off that field with their heads held high and smiling, some through tears.  It was a day that ended something that seems to become more special each year, at least for me. 

As a player I never found it that difficult to end a season.  Many of my seasons ended on high notes which may have made it easier, but they also ended with the knowledge that next year would be here before we knew it and the teammates that were with me would be returning. 

As a coach I find it far more difficult to say goodbye to a season because so often the players leaving are leaving for good.  They are heading to college.  They are moving forward into new frontiers that I distinctly remember myself moving into.  They are growing up and moving into the next chapter which can only be better than the one before.

And that is, often, sad.  Especially when the players are people that you not only enjoy watching on the field but they are individuals whom you enjoy interacting with off the field, as well.

Looking ahead, for me, has been difficult.  I have already made the decision to walk away from coaching basketball next season.  I had to.  The fact that my due date is 4 days before the opening of the season necessitates my taking a break from the program.  My hope is that I can get back to the sport in the following season but I'm not sure that will happen.

Looking to next Spring has been even harder because of the uncertainties of what the next year will bring.  I can only hope to be this sad next year at this time because I have had the honor of being with a team who has worked just as hard and come just as far as this year's team.  But I fear the expectations and the changes ahead.

I take each day as it comes and right now I'm steeped in the moment of melancholy and pride that yesterday brought.  What tomorrow will bring is completely unknown and while that is frightening it also exciting because just like every new inning brings with it a new chance to put the bat on the ball or play defense against a batting team, tomorrow brings with it possibilities of building up the team and remembering the love of the sport and the love of the team.

And as an athlete, sometimes that's all that is needed.

The Return

It's been awhile.

Now that Summer is just about here I have a feeling I'll be on here a bit more. 

A good amount has happened in the time since I've been gone.

To sum it all up, we are currently expecting twins in November-ish, I have already been on bed rest once for heart issues, our house is going on the market this weekend, I've decided to keep the kids home with me all Summer, and the softball team that I am the assistant coach of has made it to the state finals and we have our game tomorrow.

All exciting and stress inducing things.  And all things that have been weighing on my mind, my heart and my hips HEAVILY.

As of late, I've been either allowing my hormones to the get the best of me or I'm really starting to feel the reality of the changes we're experiencing and anticipating or maybe, just maybe, it's BOTH!

The past few days have been especially hard for me because I'm starting to feel as if I'm allowing other people's expectations of me and my life to get the best of me.  The overwhelming sense that the way I see things unfolding is not only NOT going to happen but if it does, it's totally wrong.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have learned my lesson with regards to making plans.  God laughs and it goes in a totally opposite direction from where I expected.  It almost always turns out in a positive way!  But I've started to play my cards very close to my chest because I'm beginning to feel like people have an idea of what I should or should not be doing or how I should or should not be getting ready and really, it's none of their business.

I have expectations of myself and these next few months and my family and whether or not they are met is yet to be seen.  But that's no one's issue except mine, and really it's no one's business except mine.

No, YOU have a Magical Day, Asshole!

I've been trying to come up with a way to convey to all of you what went on between James from Georgia and myself upon our arrival in Disney World.

I wanted to make sure that I conveyed purely condescending and phony nature of James, as well as my livid and justifiably angry reaction.

I needed to make sure that you all got the picture that not only had our Disney vacation started off on the VERY WRONG foot but James from Georgia managed to sour us on Disney World resorts for quite some time.

The only way I could think to do this was to write a letter.  A letter to James from Georgia.  And then share it with all of you.

And then share it with the executives at Disney, specifically Ms. Meg Crofton.

Dear James from Georgia,

You don't remember me.  I know you don't.  Well, maybe you do.  Maybe you remember me as the woman in the sweatshirt who looked beat to hell at 10:30 at night who was yelling at you in the middle of the All Star Movies Resort Lobby.

Do you remember me?

I will NEVER forget you.  And I can assure you that I will tell EVERYONE this story.  I don't care if every other person I run into has the most Magical Fantastic Disney World Experience EVAR!  I am going to make sure they know all about you and the crap that you and Disney pulled on my family.

James, we arrived at our Disney resort, I'm sorry- we arrived at what we THOUGHT was our Disney resort, late on a Thursday evening.  There were 6 of us- 4 adults and 2 children.  The adults had all been to Disney before but this was a first for the kids and it was a first for us staying in a Disney owned resort and to say we were looking forward to a Magical time is an understatement.

I'm not sure why the Disney gods decided that you were going to be the one at the counter that night.  I'm not sure why the moment you opened your mouth I just KNEW this was going to go badly.  And I'm really not sure why you thought it was ok to continually say, "I understand" and call me "Ma'am" when you really didn't understand ANYTHING and I certainly don't look old enough to be a Ma'am!
But the universe and Disney came together and gave us to you and you to us and James, that was a very bad idea.

When you could only find ONE of our reservations that we had booked in NOVEMBER, I knew that the situation was escalating and then when you couldn't grasp the concept that we had made all of the reservations on one credit card and through one travel agent, I surmised that we were in big big trouble.

Things were getting rough, my blood pressure was rising and my fists were starting to clench.  So I paced a little bit while you did a little typing.

And then...BOOM!

James from Georgia you took what had so far been an ok trip- a smooth plane ride (courtesy of an awesome pilot and a lovely vodka cranberry), a fun bus ride on the Magical Express, and an awe inspiring arrival for my kids at the resort, and turned it sour quite fast.

Apparently, our preferred status, adjoining rooms had been downgraded and then separated.  The Disney bigwigs put my parents in one hotel and then proceeded to move my family- my husband and I and our two kids- DOWN THE STREET to another hotel.

You know what iced the proverbial crap-ass cake that you handed us just then, James?  The fact that rather than apologizing you went ahead and issued your pisspoor Disney customer service training inspired, "I understand, Ma'am" and then had the audacity to refer me to the teeny tiny fine print at the VERY BACK of my Disney trip planner packet.

And that James, was the first time that I wanted to reach across the counter and punch you in the face.

I believe my exact response to you was, "You have got to be-" and I paused there because, really, I wasn't prepared to drop the F-bomb in front of my mom AND inside Disney World, "freaking kidding me" was how I finished it.

"Well, Ma'am, it is written there."  And there is the second time I wanted to reach across and punch you. IN. THE. FACE.

See, I practiced some fabulous restraint up until that point.  I walked away. Briefly.  I let my mom deal with you because I knew she wouldn't drop an F-bomb and I knew she wouldn't allow her fists to do any talking.

I think this was around the time that you took your first trip into the "secret back room that gives no satisfaction to any actual customers".  I'm fairly convinced you were talking to Walt Disney himself back there and he kept telling you that he understood but he was just so cold from being frozen that he couldn't do jack shit for us.

You informed us, when you finally left good old Walt that Disney had ever so graciously OVERBOOKED the resort by 400 people. Let me repeat that so EVERYONE can get a really good idea of how PREPOSTEROUS that is.....DISNEY OVERBOOKED THE RESORT BY 400 PEOPLE!!!

I think we can all take a step back from this letter right now and scream a collective, WTF?!?!?!?!?

So, at this point I was dumbfounded.  Speechless even.  What kind of company does that?!?!

Oh, wait, a company that KNOWS that people won't walk away.  A company that knows that there are hundreds of people, families, ready to jump right into the spot of a another family that they have screwed over by, say I don't know, downgrading their rooms and splitting up their entire party!!

Well, James from Georgia, Disney F-ed with the wrong family.  And had you actually seemed like you cared and maybe apologized once, JUST ONCE, maybe I would have been a little less bitchy and a little more understanding.

But you, James from Georgia, were an ASSHOLE.

You tried to convince us to stay separately- two different resorts.

You tried to tell us that this was all ok because it was all in the teeny tiny print at the back of our Disney plan book.

You tried to tell us that it didn't matter that our travel agent had confirmed THAT VERY MORNING because Disney reserves the right to change anything regarding our reservation- and steal our first born.

ok, well maybe not that last part.

And then when you told us that if we just stayed apart one night we'd be able to come back together the next night for the remainder of our trip I called you on it.

You see James from Georgia I'm not allowed to use logic at work so my brain is always aching to be able to use it and that night standing in the lobby of the Disney All Start Movies resort I got to use it.

"Wait, so you're telling me if we go over to the Sports resort and my parents stay here we'll be able to come back here tomorrow night and stay in close rooms, possibly adjoining for the rest of our trip....just as we had planned with our reservation that we booked in NOVEMBER?"

"Yes Ma'am."

"Wait. Explain this to me....we separate for the night because you all OVERBOOKED BY 400 and then we can come back tomorrow night and stay together for the rest of our trip.  How is that even possible?!  How are you going to guarantee us two rooms for the rest of our trip when you just told me the hotel is OVERBOOKED BY 400?!!?"

"Well, now Ma'am, I never guaranteed it.  We'll tr-"

(Do you remember that scene from Real Housewives of NJ where Teresa screams at Danielle and calls her a prostitution whore and flips the table? Yeah....imagine that except Disney style.)

James from Georgia never got the rest of his words out.  He never had a chance to say anything else because I E-X-P-L-O-D-E-D!

"What do you mean you never guaranteed?!  YOU JUST TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE BRINGING US BACK HERE TOMORROW NIGHT?!??!  WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU NEVER GUARANTEED?!!?  THIS! IS! BULLSHIT!"

And here it comes James from Georgia, the words that will forever remind me of you and haunt me, "Ma'am, I understand."

It was at this point that my mother requested that I walk away.  I did.  But as I did and I heard James from Georgia's condescending mantra I turned around, raised my pointer finger at him and yelled loud enough to make the entire lobby look me, "You know what?!  You don't understand crap!"

I went outside and furiously started making phone calls.  I finally got someone from Disney on the phone and unleashed myself on to her.  I started the conversation with, "You people end every freaking conversation with 'Have a Magical Day' well, I have to tell you that my few hours at Disney have been anything but Magical.  As a matter of fact, they've been pretty damned shitty."

She apologized.

She got me working with people who eventually helped us.

She knocked money off our rooms for that night.

She made sure that I knew she was sorry.

She ACTUALLY APOLOGIZED.

James from Georgia, you were an asshole.  A MAJOR ASSHOLE.  You made sure that our Disney trip started off on the worst possible foot.  You made sure that there was so little magic in our first moments in Disney that you really should be fired.

I don't care who you work for James from Georgia, as long as there are customers involved we ALWAYS COME FIRST.  You did NOTHING to make me believe that you, or anyone else there, wanted our business.  You did NOTHING to show me that you actually did understand what we were dealing with that night.  And certain did NOTHING to make it easier for us to get into a room and get some rest so that we could start making our Magical Memories.

James from Georgia you soured us on Disney and as a result you made it so that I will tell this story to every person I meet.  You made it so that you will forever be associated with my kids' first trip to Disney World.  You made it so that we will think very long and hard before we EVER plan a trip back there.

James from Georgia, the letter that the Disney executives get will be much more put together than this rant which I've shared on my blog.  My blog that is read in multiple countries and just about every state.  The Disney executives will get a clear picture of yours, and their, incompetence and the pure dissatisfaction and disgust with which my family's Disney vacation began.

James from Georgia you were an asshole.  You were a poor representation of what Disney is supposed to be.  You were a terrible customer service agent and never once did I think that you thought about what if this was you and your family going through this.  If you had, I firmly believe that you would not have been such a doucho and you would have found a way to ACTUALLY understand and apologize.

So, James from Georgia, the story is out now and it will go from here because I plan to write letters, my mom plans to write letters and your name and our pure disgust with you and your treatment of us will be ALL OVER THOSE LETTERS.

Have a Magical Day James from Georgia, I know this helped to make mine a bit more Magical.

Important but Not Inspired

I'd like to tell you that I have something inspired to say, but really, I don't.

I could tell you about our trip to Disney (I will) and how I ended up in the lobby of a Disney resort yelling at "James from Georgia" at 10:30 at night about how he absolutely DID NOT understand how I felt at being told our reservations had been changed and downgraded with no notification to us.

I could tell you about the extreme anxiety I had getting on to a plane with my two children and how they were so freaking mesmerized by the entire experience and excited about GETTING TO MEET MICKEY that they didn't even notice the fact that we were HURTLING THROUGH THE SKY IN A GIANT METAL COFFIN!

I could tell you about this past Saturday when my plan had been to clean after a SHORT nap and how I fell asleep at 12:30 and woke up at 5:15pm!!!!

I could tell you about social situations where I made a conscious choice to avoid someone and how I felt bad but then realized that it really didn't matter because I'm not concerned with what they think of me or if we're friends.  And that felt really GOOD!

I could tell you about how much losing an hour kills me.  Yeah, the light at the end of the day is wonderful- especially with softball season happening- but getting up in the PITCH BLACK DARKNESS is not fun.

I could tell you about how it was a seamless transition into Softball season and while my new position hasn't actually got me doing anything just yet, I am SO EXCITED for this season.  And I've found I'm loving softball significantly more than basketball...for many reasons- the weather, being outside, getting to work with my friend and varsity coach, and most of all THE PLAYERS!

I could tell you about how there are big things on the very near horizon and they are excited and scary and life changing and awesome and I can't wait to share them with you.

I could tell you tons of stuff but none of it is inspired. 

But it's all important.

So, I'm going to tell you all about it as the days go by.  I'm going to share it all with you and if you want to know it, great.  And if you don't, that's ok, too.

So stay tuned because you're going to get to hear how I took on Disney and while I may not have won the war I certainly conquered the battle....I think.  I, at least, got to yell at James from Georgia and, really, it may not be mature, but it made me feel better and definitely helped me to have a little bit more of a Magical Day!

Success

My son walked into school today with one shoe untied, the wrong sweatpants on and I'm fairly certain his WHITE gym shirt had at least one stain on it (despite CRAPLOADS of bleaching!).

When I picked my daughter up at daycare she was wearing a pair of hand me down boys' jeans and a t-shirt that I was SURE I had put into the rag pile.

I had very high hopes for myself as a mom.  I had thought I was going to the mom whose kids were always dressed in clothes without stains. 

Whose kids were on time or even early for school and activities. 

Whose kids always had perfectly made sandwiches and never stayed home from school unless they were ridiculously sick.

HAH!

I can't tell you how many mornings I'm yelling at my 6 year old because he won't brush his teeth and he's too busy playing his DS to find his sneakers.  Or how many times we've had to turn around in the morning because we left a lunch bag or a bookbag at home. 

Or the number of times I've fed my children McDonald's for dinner....or lunch.

Go ahead, crucify me.

But right now, my children are completely packed for our trip to Disney on Thursday.

Right now, the lunches for them to bring to school tomorrow are packed and in the fridge ready to go.

Right now, the assignment that my son had due on Wednesday is ready to go in tomorrow.

Right now, my kids are asleep and have been since 6:50pm tonight.

Sometimes I'm on a roll.  Sometimes I feel like everything is gelling and we're moving together smoothly and sleekly. 

Sometimes I feel like I've got my shit in line so well that I deserve mother of the year.

And then, well, I don't.

And 5 years ago, 4 years ago, hell, 3 years ago, that would have sent me spiraling.  I would have been so upset and would have felt like I was doing such a huge disservice to my children.

I would have felt like I was a failure as a woman, a wife and most especially a mom.

But my daughter says please and thank you without being prompted.

My son cleans up after himself at dinner time.

My daughter dances her heart out like no one is watching and stops to give hugs and kisses to anyone in her family.

My son makes his bed each day and puts his dirty clothes where they belong at the end of the day.

I may not always get my kids to school on time or remember to cut the crusts off their sandwiches or get them in the bath every night but my kids are really great kids.  They are smart and funny and kind (not always to one another).  They are polite and friendly and compassionate.

Most of all they are happy.

And I'm pretty sure that makes me a success as a mom.  So far.

Sticky

I sometimes feel very restricted on here.

There are things that I want to write or talk about that involve people that read this blog.

There are things I need to express and I want to use this venue but I don't necessarily want people reading it and thinking or knowing it's about them.

There are situations and instances that I want unbiased feedback on but that I can't share because the people that are involved would read it here.

I could very well write about the situations.  Share the feelings.  Talk about the instances that occur.  And then just deal with the upheaval and aftermath.

Or I could start another blog and do it all anonymously.

Or I could just keep it all to myself and keep it inside.

Those three solutions don't necessarily appeal to me.

But they're all I've got.

Because there's some stuff that I just want to let out but I can't do it here because that would mean that real life would get very very sticky and right now, I just don't need that.

The Best Is Yet to Come

I really feel like I'm turning a corner.

I feel like things are coming into perspective and there's a true sense of moving on for me.

We received the genetics results this week from my miscarriage.

We were having a boy.

Everything else doesn't really matter.  Well, it does, but I don't feel the need to put it out here.

It is what it is and now we know.

And as my mom said, we have the knowledge and now we need to move forward with it.

This loss was terrible.  It was devastatingly sad and the thought of going through it again is scary but not so scary that we can't move forward and try again.  There are still days where I have to stop and remind myself that we're not pregnant.  There are days when the sight of baby items sends me into a depressive tailspin.  There are days when all I want to do is lay on my couch and watch endless hours of Grey's Anatomy.

And then there are the other days.  The days where I forget that this happened.  The days where my kids are so off the wall and hysterical that I don't have time to stop and be sad.  The days where my students have me laughing so hard that I can't catch my breath.  The days where basketball games are won or softball seasons are planned out and good times are spent with friends.

And both of these types of days will continue.  I know that.  I hope, though, that the second type outnumber the first type!

We got answers this week and they really helped.  Having some idea about what went on has been helpful.  It has been helpful to give us some closure.  It has been helpful to give us something to research and understand.  And it has been helpful to aid us in our decision of what to do next and when.

I thought that knowing what we were having would affect more than it did.  I thought it would devastate me to know that we lost a daughter or son, as it were.  I thought that knowing what our child would have been would have sent me into a deeper depression.  But I think it made it that much more real for me which, oddly, helped me grasp this and really move forward.  It helped me put a "face" to the loss and know that this was all very real and very hard but also something that we are coming through stronger.

This week has been ridiculously hard.  I am sick as a dog.  My 3 year old has Scarlet Fever.  My husband is stressed at work.  My 5 year old has been off the wall poorly behaved in many ways.  And we had two snow/ice days stuck inside!  It's been un-fun!  But I believe it's the end.  I believe it's the end of a bad month, of a bad spell, of our bad luck.

And the best is yet to come because we're moving forward.  And it's about damned time!

Ignorance or Possible Bliss?

Have you ever ignored your doctor's orders?

How much weight do you put in what your doctor tells you to do?

I take my antibiotics.  I go for x-rays when needed.  I see the specialists and follow their orders.

But I received some news yesterday and some advice yesterday and I'm seriously considering ignoring it. 

How do you weigh whether or not your doctor's advice and recommendation is sound or is just a means of feigning off a law suit?

I trust my doctor 110%.  She is a wonderful person.  She is caring, knowledgeable, and kind. 

But my heart and my gut and even my head are telling me that this time around I need to take control.

If I ignore her advice and things go wrong, I have no intention of blaming her.  But really, from what I'm seeing it's a pretty big IF.

So, what do you do?

Do you heed the advice?  Do you listen, as you always have, and follow the advice?

Or do you pick yourself up from the unexpected and upsetting news and say, "well, I really do have control over this (for the most part) and I believe I know what's right for my family and I" ?

I'm pretty sure I already know the answer.

Bottles and Diapers

There's an empty baby bottle sitting on my desk at work right now.

It's supposed to raise awareness for Pro-Life.  It's supposed to collect money to send to a foundation that supports young women who choose not to abort their babies.

All it's doing right now is messing with my head.  As are the signs promoting the pro-life club.  As would the beeping metronome meant to symbolize a heartbeat had I allowed it to be placed in my classroom.

I don't really want to talk about Pro-Life.  I'm not looking to get controversial right now. 

But seriously this freaking baby bottle sitting on my desk, "staring" at me is NOT helping.

I have two cases of diapers at home.  Unopened.  In my crawl space.  They sit there with two boxes of bottles and a box of plastic inserts.  I was being prepared.  I was following the advice of other moms and buying a pack or two of diapers each week so that I wouldn't be inundated with diaper purchases after the baby came.  I was excited.

Two weeks ago I finally had to ask my husband to do something with them.  I couldn't stand having them sit in our front hallway anymore.  I had thought about returning them and using the money for booze, because really, it's coming in a lot more handy than diapers are right now.

But that allowed the negativity in and I'm REALLY trying to NOT allow the negativity in.

BUT DAMMIT this freaking baby bottle sitting on my desk is NOT helping.

Yeah, I could put it away.  Yeah I could say a student swiped it.  Yeah I could just ask that I not participate.  But life goes on, right?  And baby bottles are going to be there and diapers are going to be there and babies, in general, are going to be there.

And eventually, hopefully, they'll all be together again in my house.

But for right now, this baby bottle?  Really not helping my emotional well being!

*I promise that I will stop talking about this really soon!  Today hit me like a Mack truck and I think it's the combo of the bottle and being super duper sick and needing to be home in bed!*

Seriously Coping

Right now I'm propped up in my bed with ungraded exams surrounding me, a pillow pet behind my head and another Grey's Anatomy episode is playing via my PS3 and Netflix on my TV.

I'm in Season 6.  There are 8 seasons and I'm not sure season 7 is available via Netflix.  I'm worried about the impending end of season 6. Seriously.

You see I lost a baby 3 weeks ago and my coping mechanism- along with spending lots of time in my sweats, shutting myself off from everyone except a few friends and family, and drinking BOATLOADS of English tea- has been to watch Grey's Anatomy reruns on Netflix.  Seriously.

I started with season 1 and I've worked my way through just about every episode in the past three weeks.

Is my mechanism healthy or normal?  Who the hell knows....really...who the hell cares?!?!  I'm not popping pain meds or indulging in the sleeping pills I was prescribed (I've only taken 2- hence my undereye circles and desire to sleep for hours on end).  I'm not jonesing for a drink the moment I wake up.  And I no longer feel the desire to kill anyone.  Seriously.

I'm watching re-runs of what basically amounts to a soap opera.  And it makes me feel good.  And deep down inside I think it makes my husband feel better, too, because at least I'm not crying anymore.

I started watching Grey's when I was pregnant with our son.  That was over 6 years ago.  And I am sure that I am connected those moments of comfort and safety and excitement in pregnancy and life to the show and by watching it now I'm gaining some of that.

Or maybe, just maybe, watching these fictional characters on the screen who have fictional problems and fictional romances helps me to escape my very real life and the very real sadness that has resulted from the series of events which occurred three weeks ago.

My money is on option #2.  Seriously.

My coping mechanism may be super weird but it's not dangerous, it's not hurting me or anyone else and it's helping me to pass the time.  And sure I could grade or do lesson plans or bake more or fold more laundry but, really, none of that makes me feel better.  This does. 

And I can confidently say that I'm better than I was three weeks ago.  Seriously.

So, I'm going to finish up all of the seasons that Netflix has to offer and then I'm going to take the next step that's in front of me.  Seriously.

What Do you Do?!

So, what does one do when they are:
* depressed
* overweight from putting on poundage very fast in the first 9 weeks of pregnancy and then all of a sudden not being pregnant anymore
* in need of motivation for weight loss
* trying to make time pass much faster than it currently is
* looking for something to take up the extra few minutes of life that are not already consumed
* trying to get back into shape so that they can get pregnant again
* attempting to lose weight for an impending trip to Disneyworld in 5 weeks
* trying to work through the tons of different emotions currently clouding their vision
* trying not to waste their membership to their local YMCA
* looking to carve out some time for themselves apart from their children
* spending too much time on the couch watching re-runs of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix

They register for a 5k through Disneyworld.  Even though they aren't in shape and they get winded walking to the fridge.

Isn't that what everyone does in this type of situation?

Frustration of Anticipation

For the past few days, while forming this post in my head, I had convinced myself that there was a song by Carly Simon or Stevie Nicks called "Frustration".  I have since come to realize that the song I'm thinking of is actually, "Anticipation" by Carly Simon.

Interesting to me.

Right now, I'm living in frustration central.

I'm frustrated that we lost what seemed to be a very healthy pregnancy.

I'm frustrated that we don't have any answers as to why we lost the baby.

I'm frustrated that I put on so much weight so quickly that now my clothes don't fit me.

I'm frustrated that my return to the gym was met with lots of heavy breathing, lackluster treadmill performances and general out of shape-ness.

I'm frustrated that I haven't slept more than 2 hours in the past two weeks. (Except for the one night that I broke down and took my Ambien and had the CRAZIEST FREAKING DREAM EVER!)

I'm frustrated that we have to wait until we get clearance from my doctor before we can try again.

I'm frustrated that my days vary so much.  I have really good ones and then I get smacked in the face with a terribly bad one.

I'm just frustrated.

And oddly enough, I'm frustrated with all of the anticipation of what our next step is and when it will begin. 

I'm not a patient person.  And while the build up of something usually makes the outcome that much better, I'd really like instant gratification right now.

Not gonna happen.

Frustration has a negative connotation and because I'm trying all that I can to focus on the positive I think I need to look at the anticipation rather than the frustration.

I'm anticipating my follow-up doctor's visit tomorrow and what she will tell me.

I'm anticipating my next workout at the gym because it means I'm getting that much closer to fitting back into my clothes and being healthy again.

I'm anticipating us getting cleared to move forward and try again.

I'm anticipating the end of my frustration.

And, again, instant gratification would help me out a TON right now.  But, it's not gonna happen.

So, I live with frustration of anticipation and take it one day at a time.  And hope that tomorrow is better than today or at least not as bad as the last bad day was.

"We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway, yay"

And I'm frustrated with myself for "wishing" these days away because these may be the most important days of all.

Navigation

I can say with complete confidence that before losing a baby I did not know how to react to someone who had lost one.  And I can also say that before losing a baby I could not even begin to imagine what a woman, a couple, a family goes through when they lost a baby.

Those are the things I keep reminding myself of as I go through each day.  Well, among the other things.

I went back to work this Monday and one of my co-workers came into my classroom and asked how I was doing and my response to him was, “Well, I woke up this morning and didn’t want to kill anyone so I’m running with that positive thought for the day.”  We both chuckled a bit but it was clear that what was behind those words meant much more than anything else.

I constantly have to remember that this type of situation is quite possibly one of the most awkward things for someone on the outside of it to understand.  And I have tried very hard to make sure that I react to people with compassion and understanding even when I don’t feel like they are reacting to me in that way.

I cannot begin to tell you the number of people who have said to my face, “Well, I’m not going to ask how you are because I’m sure everyone is asking and I already know how you’re doing.”  I finally responded to one individual with, “Actually, not too many people have been asking but I understand this is difficult for people to know what to do.  It’s an awkward situation for those on the outside.”

I think they were even more uncomfortable after that.

I also cannot begin to tell you the number of people whom I have not heard a word from and who I thought were our closest friends.  It is shocking to me.  But again, I remind myself that this is unchartered waters for so many people and it’s very difficult for people to know what to say at a time of loss, especially this type of loss.

What I can begin to tell you about are the absolutely amazing people who have stepped up and in when my husband and I never, ever expected it.

The friends and family who called, texted, and bbm’d their words of sorrow and support, their offers of any time of the night phone calls, the genuine sadness at our loss.  The amazing people on Facebook and through this blog who have emailed and messaged me to let me know they are here and there for us.  The flowers that came from a co-worker and his family with a kind note.  The emails that came offering words of comfort or offers to buy us dinner. 

The outpouring of love for us during this time has been incredible and I cannot even begin to express the gratitude that we feel.  Thank You.

I look at the experience and I try to pull as much positive from it as possible.  I look at the fact that we have been reminded of the incredible support system and friendships that are around us.  I recognize that nothing will ever replace the baby that we lost but that the love and support we have received will hold us up in times of sadness.  I firmly believe that out of our sorrow and loss there will come something amazing and wonderful.  That wherever we go from here we will carry with us an angel that will remind us of where we’ve been and how wonderful where we are really is.

Among everyone else I cannot begin to express how wonderful my immediate family and my husband have been during all of this.  Their support, comfort, and love are the backbone of what have brought me through so much of this.

The Unimagined Road

Yesterday was probably the first time ever that I have seen my OB/GYN's office empty.  I mean EMPTY.  There were one or two women in the back exam rooms but that was it...they were gone by the time I went back.

I am thankful that it was empty.

I am thankful that I didn't need to leave my exam room right away after my ultrasound.

I am thankful that the nurses were able to come into my room and sit with me and hug me and cry with me until my mom was able to arrive.

I am thankful that there were no pregnant women sitting in the waiting room that I would have to walk by on my way out.

One week ago yesterday I saw my baby's strong heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor in the very same room that I was in yesterday.

Yesterday that same monitor showed a bean shaped baby with no heartbeat.

Yesterday I spent much of my afternoon and evening crying and trying not to think about the baby we had just chosen names and godparents for this past weekend.

Yesterday I spent much of my time after the doctor trying not to think about the fact that when August comes we won't be bringing home a new baby.

Yesterday I spent the hours after my unexpected doctor appointment mourning a life that was to develop between now and August.

Today, I begin the process of moving forward and continuing to grieve our baby but realizing that there is still a wonderful life here and endless possibilities laid out before us.

I never imagined that we would be on this road- I don't think anyone does- but here we are and we are navigating loss and change the best way we know how. 

I'm not really sure where this road leads but I am praying that it leads to greater happiness than we ever could have imagined. 

Because right now the sadness that we're walking with is just really shitty and I'd rather not have to live with it much longer.

"A Baby Changes Everything"

I'm not going to do a 2010 review because, well, I don't feel like it.  Part of me is indifferent to 2010.  The other part, remembers very little of it. 

I feel as if 2010 FLEW by.  And here we are on the cusp of 2011 with a whole host of new beginnings ahead of us and with those new beginnings comes bad and good. 

2011 promises to be nothing more than new and different and that is exciting and wonderful all at once!

What am I going to write about is being fat because, well, I totally feel that way.

We are beyond excited to be pregnant.  I am beyond excited to know that come August we'll have another new member in our family.  Someone to learn from and love.

That being said, it has been very difficult for me to go from being a triathlete to someone who has their exercise very much restricted.

Don't get me wrong, I have most definitely been enjoying these early stages of pregnancy.  I've been loving my appetite and my minimal all day sickness.  The excessive tiredness, that can take a hike, and the sore boobs....good LORD they can go elsewhere, too!

BUT as a result of restricted exercise and increased food intake, I have put on weight at a rapid pace.  And while my doctor is ok with everything, I'm not.  Although, I still weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy with my last baby.  So...I guess I should be a little bit more ok with it.

I want very much for me to not be focused on my weight gain.  I want very much to not think about the fact that I feel like I'm getting fat even though I'm pregnant and my doctor would tell me if it's a problem.  I want very much to realize that this is my last time around with pregnancy and I should be embracing EVERY aspect of it....even the weight gain.

I have been able to get to the gym minimally due to basketball season and work commitments and home commitments and when I do I am able to do about 30 to 40 minutes of low cardio...I barely break a sweat.  It's frustrating to have to stop running.  To severely reduce my weight training.  To take it easy on the elliptical.  I worked so hard to make it my nature to push myself very hard in exercise and because of a very happy occasion I have had to change everything.

It is, by far, the very best way to get me to learn a lesson that I will carry into August as we welcome our 3rd child. 

The Johnson and Johnson campaign had it totally right, "A baby changes everything."

The campaign doesn't mention how to transition into the change or deal with it.

Again, another lesson.  I've never had three children before and we'll be learning as we go.  Right now, as I bulk up in both baby and weight, I'm learning as I go and dealing, too.

If this is the worst part of this pregnancy, I'll take it.....and some pudding...because I really LOVE pudding right now!

Christmas Spirit

It’s interesting, a lot of what I’m reading lately is about the melancholy of Christmas and while I want to pretend that it’s not true and it doesn’t exist- it’s hard to do that.

I love Christmas.  I really do.  After Thanksgiving it is my favorite holiday.  It definitely is my favorite time of year- or holiday season.  There is something about the preparation that goes on during Advent and the wonder and amazement that flows during this time of year that has always made it a time when everything seems ok- for the time being.

It’s been a tough year.  As one blogger put it, “Not enough time. Not enough money. Not enough head out of the fog for me.” 

And it’s true.

We were all relatively healthy in 2010.  We had our moments of doubt where we thought bills wouldn’t get paid or health wouldn’t reign supreme, but in the end the bills got paid (late) and health returned and we were, as always, lucky.

But getting into the Christmas spirit- that overwhelming sense of joy and anticipation at the coming birth of Jesus- has been difficult.

My children are beyond excited for Christmas and there is recognition on their parts that this is about more than presents on Christmas morning.  There are discussions about Jesus’ birthday and Advent and the Nativity.  The meaning behind Christmas is alive and well within my children and that alone should thrill me.

But I cannot make the fullness of the season come to life as I would like to.  And should be able to.

We are so excited to welcome our third baby in 2011.

We are thrilled to have two children who are healthy and happy.

We are stronger than we have been and we look forward to continuing that strength and love.

But hurriedness, an ever-increasing stress level and ever-dwindling bank account sometimes weigh far more heavily on the heart and mind than those, and so many more, wonderful things do.

How do we change that?  Can it be changed?

A short few days remain before Christmas and then a few more before a new year and I’d like to be able to spend these days recognizing the good and magical rather than rushing through the necessary.

So, these next few days will be filled with baking and crafts and last minute shopping.  They will be filled remembering that this time of year is about family and children and the friendships that you can rely on and trust.  This time of year is about recognizing all of the wonderful that has been bestowed upon us the rest of the year.  This time of year is about new life- our own and that of Jesus- and how to embrace new life each and everyday and share it with those around us.

I wish each and every single one of you a wonderfully Merry and Magical Christmas and a Very Happy and Blessed New Year!  May 2010 end with you in good spirits and health and may 2011 begin and continue to bring you joy and good fortune!

The Last Time Around

It's been awhile, huh?

Big changes 'round these parts!

Let's just lay it out there.....my husband and I are pregnant.

HOLY SHIT!

We decided, a few months back, to just see what happens and, well, it happened!  And, wow, we're excited and pretty scared shitless!

So, yes, we're pregnant and we're due in August.  And the thought of being massive for the Summer months does not thrill me but the idea that I'm not using any maternity leave until school actually starts makes me VERY happy!

This pregnancy has been very different so far.

There's the typical stuff, I'm exhausted- like go to bed at 6pm exhausted.  I'm hungry ALL THE TIME!  My face looks like it belongs to a 14 year old kid.  My emotional roller coaster is on repeat.  And, HOLY CRAP, don't come anywhere near my chest!

But then there's the stuff that's kind of new....my pregnancy test was positive WAY EARLY.  I mean super dee duper early.  My previous pregnancies I was significantly late before I got a positive test.  My food aversions are somewhat different- last time I would have killed for a Tuna sandwich, this time the smell of tuna makes me gag.  Egg Salad and I are BFFs BIGTIME!  And my clothes?  Well, they're already snug and apparently that's pretty normal.

So, it's a new kind of normal around here.  A normal that we're getting to know quite well and that we're pretty excited about. 

I'm what you might call impatient so the idea that I have to wait until August to meet this child, that my daughter has declared should be named Cinderella Tinkerbell Dora, is quite difficult to wrap my mind around.  But wrap it around, I will, and I'm making sure to embrace this pregnancy.  To take it all in and try to enjoy it as much as possible because I'm pretty certain that this is the last one.

Perfection

This article/blog post was shared with me by my friend Kim.

Please go and read it.

I know I fit in somewhere in there.  You probably do, too.  And that's perfectly ok.