Thursday, January 27, 2011

Seriously Coping

Right now I'm propped up in my bed with ungraded exams surrounding me, a pillow pet behind my head and another Grey's Anatomy episode is playing via my PS3 and Netflix on my TV.

I'm in Season 6.  There are 8 seasons and I'm not sure season 7 is available via Netflix.  I'm worried about the impending end of season 6. Seriously.

You see I lost a baby 3 weeks ago and my coping mechanism- along with spending lots of time in my sweats, shutting myself off from everyone except a few friends and family, and drinking BOATLOADS of English tea- has been to watch Grey's Anatomy reruns on Netflix.  Seriously.

I started with season 1 and I've worked my way through just about every episode in the past three weeks.

Is my mechanism healthy or normal?  Who the hell knows....really...who the hell cares?!?!  I'm not popping pain meds or indulging in the sleeping pills I was prescribed (I've only taken 2- hence my undereye circles and desire to sleep for hours on end).  I'm not jonesing for a drink the moment I wake up.  And I no longer feel the desire to kill anyone.  Seriously.

I'm watching re-runs of what basically amounts to a soap opera.  And it makes me feel good.  And deep down inside I think it makes my husband feel better, too, because at least I'm not crying anymore.

I started watching Grey's when I was pregnant with our son.  That was over 6 years ago.  And I am sure that I am connected those moments of comfort and safety and excitement in pregnancy and life to the show and by watching it now I'm gaining some of that.

Or maybe, just maybe, watching these fictional characters on the screen who have fictional problems and fictional romances helps me to escape my very real life and the very real sadness that has resulted from the series of events which occurred three weeks ago.

My money is on option #2.  Seriously.

My coping mechanism may be super weird but it's not dangerous, it's not hurting me or anyone else and it's helping me to pass the time.  And sure I could grade or do lesson plans or bake more or fold more laundry but, really, none of that makes me feel better.  This does. 

And I can confidently say that I'm better than I was three weeks ago.  Seriously.

So, I'm going to finish up all of the seasons that Netflix has to offer and then I'm going to take the next step that's in front of me.  Seriously.


@sweetbabboo said...

It sounds like a perfectly sound coping mechanism. Losing a baby - that beautiful dream of an expanding family - is so hard.

Do what it takes to feel better... even if it's drowning your thoughts in Meredith's problems.

Take care of yourself,

(Found you through Margaret & Tom's, my friend Marty's parents blog and as a fellow miscarrier, had to offer something.)

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