Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Frustration of Anticipation

For the past few days, while forming this post in my head, I had convinced myself that there was a song by Carly Simon or Stevie Nicks called "Frustration".  I have since come to realize that the song I'm thinking of is actually, "Anticipation" by Carly Simon.

Interesting to me.

Right now, I'm living in frustration central.

I'm frustrated that we lost what seemed to be a very healthy pregnancy.

I'm frustrated that we don't have any answers as to why we lost the baby.

I'm frustrated that I put on so much weight so quickly that now my clothes don't fit me.

I'm frustrated that my return to the gym was met with lots of heavy breathing, lackluster treadmill performances and general out of shape-ness.

I'm frustrated that I haven't slept more than 2 hours in the past two weeks. (Except for the one night that I broke down and took my Ambien and had the CRAZIEST FREAKING DREAM EVER!)

I'm frustrated that we have to wait until we get clearance from my doctor before we can try again.

I'm frustrated that my days vary so much.  I have really good ones and then I get smacked in the face with a terribly bad one.

I'm just frustrated.

And oddly enough, I'm frustrated with all of the anticipation of what our next step is and when it will begin. 

I'm not a patient person.  And while the build up of something usually makes the outcome that much better, I'd really like instant gratification right now.

Not gonna happen.

Frustration has a negative connotation and because I'm trying all that I can to focus on the positive I think I need to look at the anticipation rather than the frustration.

I'm anticipating my follow-up doctor's visit tomorrow and what she will tell me.

I'm anticipating my next workout at the gym because it means I'm getting that much closer to fitting back into my clothes and being healthy again.

I'm anticipating us getting cleared to move forward and try again.

I'm anticipating the end of my frustration.

And, again, instant gratification would help me out a TON right now.  But, it's not gonna happen.

So, I live with frustration of anticipation and take it one day at a time.  And hope that tomorrow is better than today or at least not as bad as the last bad day was.

"We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway, yay"

And I'm frustrated with myself for "wishing" these days away because these may be the most important days of all.


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