Bottles and Diapers

There's an empty baby bottle sitting on my desk at work right now.

It's supposed to raise awareness for Pro-Life.  It's supposed to collect money to send to a foundation that supports young women who choose not to abort their babies.

All it's doing right now is messing with my head.  As are the signs promoting the pro-life club.  As would the beeping metronome meant to symbolize a heartbeat had I allowed it to be placed in my classroom.

I don't really want to talk about Pro-Life.  I'm not looking to get controversial right now. 

But seriously this freaking baby bottle sitting on my desk, "staring" at me is NOT helping.

I have two cases of diapers at home.  Unopened.  In my crawl space.  They sit there with two boxes of bottles and a box of plastic inserts.  I was being prepared.  I was following the advice of other moms and buying a pack or two of diapers each week so that I wouldn't be inundated with diaper purchases after the baby came.  I was excited.

Two weeks ago I finally had to ask my husband to do something with them.  I couldn't stand having them sit in our front hallway anymore.  I had thought about returning them and using the money for booze, because really, it's coming in a lot more handy than diapers are right now.

But that allowed the negativity in and I'm REALLY trying to NOT allow the negativity in.

BUT DAMMIT this freaking baby bottle sitting on my desk is NOT helping.

Yeah, I could put it away.  Yeah I could say a student swiped it.  Yeah I could just ask that I not participate.  But life goes on, right?  And baby bottles are going to be there and diapers are going to be there and babies, in general, are going to be there.

And eventually, hopefully, they'll all be together again in my house.

But for right now, this baby bottle?  Really not helping my emotional well being!

*I promise that I will stop talking about this really soon!  Today hit me like a Mack truck and I think it's the combo of the bottle and being super duper sick and needing to be home in bed!*

Seriously Coping

Right now I'm propped up in my bed with ungraded exams surrounding me, a pillow pet behind my head and another Grey's Anatomy episode is playing via my PS3 and Netflix on my TV.

I'm in Season 6.  There are 8 seasons and I'm not sure season 7 is available via Netflix.  I'm worried about the impending end of season 6. Seriously.

You see I lost a baby 3 weeks ago and my coping mechanism- along with spending lots of time in my sweats, shutting myself off from everyone except a few friends and family, and drinking BOATLOADS of English tea- has been to watch Grey's Anatomy reruns on Netflix.  Seriously.

I started with season 1 and I've worked my way through just about every episode in the past three weeks.

Is my mechanism healthy or normal?  Who the hell knows....really...who the hell cares?!?!  I'm not popping pain meds or indulging in the sleeping pills I was prescribed (I've only taken 2- hence my undereye circles and desire to sleep for hours on end).  I'm not jonesing for a drink the moment I wake up.  And I no longer feel the desire to kill anyone.  Seriously.

I'm watching re-runs of what basically amounts to a soap opera.  And it makes me feel good.  And deep down inside I think it makes my husband feel better, too, because at least I'm not crying anymore.

I started watching Grey's when I was pregnant with our son.  That was over 6 years ago.  And I am sure that I am connected those moments of comfort and safety and excitement in pregnancy and life to the show and by watching it now I'm gaining some of that.

Or maybe, just maybe, watching these fictional characters on the screen who have fictional problems and fictional romances helps me to escape my very real life and the very real sadness that has resulted from the series of events which occurred three weeks ago.

My money is on option #2.  Seriously.

My coping mechanism may be super weird but it's not dangerous, it's not hurting me or anyone else and it's helping me to pass the time.  And sure I could grade or do lesson plans or bake more or fold more laundry but, really, none of that makes me feel better.  This does. 

And I can confidently say that I'm better than I was three weeks ago.  Seriously.

So, I'm going to finish up all of the seasons that Netflix has to offer and then I'm going to take the next step that's in front of me.  Seriously.

What Do you Do?!

So, what does one do when they are:
* depressed
* overweight from putting on poundage very fast in the first 9 weeks of pregnancy and then all of a sudden not being pregnant anymore
* in need of motivation for weight loss
* trying to make time pass much faster than it currently is
* looking for something to take up the extra few minutes of life that are not already consumed
* trying to get back into shape so that they can get pregnant again
* attempting to lose weight for an impending trip to Disneyworld in 5 weeks
* trying to work through the tons of different emotions currently clouding their vision
* trying not to waste their membership to their local YMCA
* looking to carve out some time for themselves apart from their children
* spending too much time on the couch watching re-runs of Grey's Anatomy on Netflix

They register for a 5k through Disneyworld.  Even though they aren't in shape and they get winded walking to the fridge.

Isn't that what everyone does in this type of situation?

Frustration of Anticipation

For the past few days, while forming this post in my head, I had convinced myself that there was a song by Carly Simon or Stevie Nicks called "Frustration".  I have since come to realize that the song I'm thinking of is actually, "Anticipation" by Carly Simon.

Interesting to me.

Right now, I'm living in frustration central.

I'm frustrated that we lost what seemed to be a very healthy pregnancy.

I'm frustrated that we don't have any answers as to why we lost the baby.

I'm frustrated that I put on so much weight so quickly that now my clothes don't fit me.

I'm frustrated that my return to the gym was met with lots of heavy breathing, lackluster treadmill performances and general out of shape-ness.

I'm frustrated that I haven't slept more than 2 hours in the past two weeks. (Except for the one night that I broke down and took my Ambien and had the CRAZIEST FREAKING DREAM EVER!)

I'm frustrated that we have to wait until we get clearance from my doctor before we can try again.

I'm frustrated that my days vary so much.  I have really good ones and then I get smacked in the face with a terribly bad one.

I'm just frustrated.

And oddly enough, I'm frustrated with all of the anticipation of what our next step is and when it will begin. 

I'm not a patient person.  And while the build up of something usually makes the outcome that much better, I'd really like instant gratification right now.

Not gonna happen.

Frustration has a negative connotation and because I'm trying all that I can to focus on the positive I think I need to look at the anticipation rather than the frustration.

I'm anticipating my follow-up doctor's visit tomorrow and what she will tell me.

I'm anticipating my next workout at the gym because it means I'm getting that much closer to fitting back into my clothes and being healthy again.

I'm anticipating us getting cleared to move forward and try again.

I'm anticipating the end of my frustration.

And, again, instant gratification would help me out a TON right now.  But, it's not gonna happen.

So, I live with frustration of anticipation and take it one day at a time.  And hope that tomorrow is better than today or at least not as bad as the last bad day was.

"We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway, yay"

And I'm frustrated with myself for "wishing" these days away because these may be the most important days of all.

Navigation

I can say with complete confidence that before losing a baby I did not know how to react to someone who had lost one.  And I can also say that before losing a baby I could not even begin to imagine what a woman, a couple, a family goes through when they lost a baby.

Those are the things I keep reminding myself of as I go through each day.  Well, among the other things.

I went back to work this Monday and one of my co-workers came into my classroom and asked how I was doing and my response to him was, “Well, I woke up this morning and didn’t want to kill anyone so I’m running with that positive thought for the day.”  We both chuckled a bit but it was clear that what was behind those words meant much more than anything else.

I constantly have to remember that this type of situation is quite possibly one of the most awkward things for someone on the outside of it to understand.  And I have tried very hard to make sure that I react to people with compassion and understanding even when I don’t feel like they are reacting to me in that way.

I cannot begin to tell you the number of people who have said to my face, “Well, I’m not going to ask how you are because I’m sure everyone is asking and I already know how you’re doing.”  I finally responded to one individual with, “Actually, not too many people have been asking but I understand this is difficult for people to know what to do.  It’s an awkward situation for those on the outside.”

I think they were even more uncomfortable after that.

I also cannot begin to tell you the number of people whom I have not heard a word from and who I thought were our closest friends.  It is shocking to me.  But again, I remind myself that this is unchartered waters for so many people and it’s very difficult for people to know what to say at a time of loss, especially this type of loss.

What I can begin to tell you about are the absolutely amazing people who have stepped up and in when my husband and I never, ever expected it.

The friends and family who called, texted, and bbm’d their words of sorrow and support, their offers of any time of the night phone calls, the genuine sadness at our loss.  The amazing people on Facebook and through this blog who have emailed and messaged me to let me know they are here and there for us.  The flowers that came from a co-worker and his family with a kind note.  The emails that came offering words of comfort or offers to buy us dinner. 

The outpouring of love for us during this time has been incredible and I cannot even begin to express the gratitude that we feel.  Thank You.

I look at the experience and I try to pull as much positive from it as possible.  I look at the fact that we have been reminded of the incredible support system and friendships that are around us.  I recognize that nothing will ever replace the baby that we lost but that the love and support we have received will hold us up in times of sadness.  I firmly believe that out of our sorrow and loss there will come something amazing and wonderful.  That wherever we go from here we will carry with us an angel that will remind us of where we’ve been and how wonderful where we are really is.

Among everyone else I cannot begin to express how wonderful my immediate family and my husband have been during all of this.  Their support, comfort, and love are the backbone of what have brought me through so much of this.

The Unimagined Road

Yesterday was probably the first time ever that I have seen my OB/GYN's office empty.  I mean EMPTY.  There were one or two women in the back exam rooms but that was it...they were gone by the time I went back.

I am thankful that it was empty.

I am thankful that I didn't need to leave my exam room right away after my ultrasound.

I am thankful that the nurses were able to come into my room and sit with me and hug me and cry with me until my mom was able to arrive.

I am thankful that there were no pregnant women sitting in the waiting room that I would have to walk by on my way out.

One week ago yesterday I saw my baby's strong heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor in the very same room that I was in yesterday.

Yesterday that same monitor showed a bean shaped baby with no heartbeat.

Yesterday I spent much of my afternoon and evening crying and trying not to think about the baby we had just chosen names and godparents for this past weekend.

Yesterday I spent much of my time after the doctor trying not to think about the fact that when August comes we won't be bringing home a new baby.

Yesterday I spent the hours after my unexpected doctor appointment mourning a life that was to develop between now and August.

Today, I begin the process of moving forward and continuing to grieve our baby but realizing that there is still a wonderful life here and endless possibilities laid out before us.

I never imagined that we would be on this road- I don't think anyone does- but here we are and we are navigating loss and change the best way we know how. 

I'm not really sure where this road leads but I am praying that it leads to greater happiness than we ever could have imagined. 

Because right now the sadness that we're walking with is just really shitty and I'd rather not have to live with it much longer.

"A Baby Changes Everything"

I'm not going to do a 2010 review because, well, I don't feel like it.  Part of me is indifferent to 2010.  The other part, remembers very little of it. 

I feel as if 2010 FLEW by.  And here we are on the cusp of 2011 with a whole host of new beginnings ahead of us and with those new beginnings comes bad and good. 

2011 promises to be nothing more than new and different and that is exciting and wonderful all at once!

What am I going to write about is being fat because, well, I totally feel that way.

We are beyond excited to be pregnant.  I am beyond excited to know that come August we'll have another new member in our family.  Someone to learn from and love.

That being said, it has been very difficult for me to go from being a triathlete to someone who has their exercise very much restricted.

Don't get me wrong, I have most definitely been enjoying these early stages of pregnancy.  I've been loving my appetite and my minimal all day sickness.  The excessive tiredness, that can take a hike, and the sore boobs....good LORD they can go elsewhere, too!

BUT as a result of restricted exercise and increased food intake, I have put on weight at a rapid pace.  And while my doctor is ok with everything, I'm not.  Although, I still weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy with my last baby.  So...I guess I should be a little bit more ok with it.

I want very much for me to not be focused on my weight gain.  I want very much to not think about the fact that I feel like I'm getting fat even though I'm pregnant and my doctor would tell me if it's a problem.  I want very much to realize that this is my last time around with pregnancy and I should be embracing EVERY aspect of it....even the weight gain.

I have been able to get to the gym minimally due to basketball season and work commitments and home commitments and when I do I am able to do about 30 to 40 minutes of low cardio...I barely break a sweat.  It's frustrating to have to stop running.  To severely reduce my weight training.  To take it easy on the elliptical.  I worked so hard to make it my nature to push myself very hard in exercise and because of a very happy occasion I have had to change everything.

It is, by far, the very best way to get me to learn a lesson that I will carry into August as we welcome our 3rd child. 

The Johnson and Johnson campaign had it totally right, "A baby changes everything."

The campaign doesn't mention how to transition into the change or deal with it.

Again, another lesson.  I've never had three children before and we'll be learning as we go.  Right now, as I bulk up in both baby and weight, I'm learning as I go and dealing, too.

If this is the worst part of this pregnancy, I'll take it.....and some pudding...because I really LOVE pudding right now!

Christmas Spirit

It’s interesting, a lot of what I’m reading lately is about the melancholy of Christmas and while I want to pretend that it’s not true and it doesn’t exist- it’s hard to do that.

I love Christmas.  I really do.  After Thanksgiving it is my favorite holiday.  It definitely is my favorite time of year- or holiday season.  There is something about the preparation that goes on during Advent and the wonder and amazement that flows during this time of year that has always made it a time when everything seems ok- for the time being.

It’s been a tough year.  As one blogger put it, “Not enough time. Not enough money. Not enough head out of the fog for me.” 

And it’s true.

We were all relatively healthy in 2010.  We had our moments of doubt where we thought bills wouldn’t get paid or health wouldn’t reign supreme, but in the end the bills got paid (late) and health returned and we were, as always, lucky.

But getting into the Christmas spirit- that overwhelming sense of joy and anticipation at the coming birth of Jesus- has been difficult.

My children are beyond excited for Christmas and there is recognition on their parts that this is about more than presents on Christmas morning.  There are discussions about Jesus’ birthday and Advent and the Nativity.  The meaning behind Christmas is alive and well within my children and that alone should thrill me.

But I cannot make the fullness of the season come to life as I would like to.  And should be able to.

We are so excited to welcome our third baby in 2011.

We are thrilled to have two children who are healthy and happy.

We are stronger than we have been and we look forward to continuing that strength and love.

But hurriedness, an ever-increasing stress level and ever-dwindling bank account sometimes weigh far more heavily on the heart and mind than those, and so many more, wonderful things do.

How do we change that?  Can it be changed?

A short few days remain before Christmas and then a few more before a new year and I’d like to be able to spend these days recognizing the good and magical rather than rushing through the necessary.

So, these next few days will be filled with baking and crafts and last minute shopping.  They will be filled remembering that this time of year is about family and children and the friendships that you can rely on and trust.  This time of year is about recognizing all of the wonderful that has been bestowed upon us the rest of the year.  This time of year is about new life- our own and that of Jesus- and how to embrace new life each and everyday and share it with those around us.

I wish each and every single one of you a wonderfully Merry and Magical Christmas and a Very Happy and Blessed New Year!  May 2010 end with you in good spirits and health and may 2011 begin and continue to bring you joy and good fortune!

The Last Time Around

It's been awhile, huh?

Big changes 'round these parts!

Let's just lay it out there.....my husband and I are pregnant.

HOLY SHIT!

We decided, a few months back, to just see what happens and, well, it happened!  And, wow, we're excited and pretty scared shitless!

So, yes, we're pregnant and we're due in August.  And the thought of being massive for the Summer months does not thrill me but the idea that I'm not using any maternity leave until school actually starts makes me VERY happy!

This pregnancy has been very different so far.

There's the typical stuff, I'm exhausted- like go to bed at 6pm exhausted.  I'm hungry ALL THE TIME!  My face looks like it belongs to a 14 year old kid.  My emotional roller coaster is on repeat.  And, HOLY CRAP, don't come anywhere near my chest!

But then there's the stuff that's kind of new....my pregnancy test was positive WAY EARLY.  I mean super dee duper early.  My previous pregnancies I was significantly late before I got a positive test.  My food aversions are somewhat different- last time I would have killed for a Tuna sandwich, this time the smell of tuna makes me gag.  Egg Salad and I are BFFs BIGTIME!  And my clothes?  Well, they're already snug and apparently that's pretty normal.

So, it's a new kind of normal around here.  A normal that we're getting to know quite well and that we're pretty excited about. 

I'm what you might call impatient so the idea that I have to wait until August to meet this child, that my daughter has declared should be named Cinderella Tinkerbell Dora, is quite difficult to wrap my mind around.  But wrap it around, I will, and I'm making sure to embrace this pregnancy.  To take it all in and try to enjoy it as much as possible because I'm pretty certain that this is the last one.

Perfection

This article/blog post was shared with me by my friend Kim.

Please go and read it.

I know I fit in somewhere in there.  You probably do, too.  And that's perfectly ok.

Fatties of the World Unite

Have you seen this Article?

Please, go read it. 

And please, be as disgusted and disturbed as I am by it.  By the words, the opinions and the fact that this magazine and the editor allowed it to be published.

And here, here is the letter I wrote to the editor of Marie Claire.  Will it ever get read?  Who knows?  I needed to say it, so I did.

And I will NEVER purchase this magazine again.

Dear Ms. Coles,

I am writing in response to a recent article by Ms. Maura Kelly.  I am quite sure you know which article I am referencing.  I wasn't a regular reader of Marie Claire, I had been in my early 20s but I have since turned to magazines that I find to suit me more.  I will occasionally pick up a copy of your magazine if there is a story on the front cover that catches my eye.  This story did not.  I was emailed this article by a friend and I was immediately outraged.  Not only was I outraged as a former "Fattie" but also as someone who continually struggles with her weight, someone who has worked very hard in the past year to lose close to 40 pounds and as someone who is the mother of a daughter who has to grow up in a world where women like Ms. Kelly and individuals like you and your editors think it's appropriate to refer to people based simply on their size and their struggles.

I work very hard to raise my daughter and my son to understand that people are different and that each day we encounter individuals who may be struggling or bearing some type of pain or hardship in their life.  We also encounter people who have incredible self-confidence and self-respect regardless of their size.  Your article, and subsequently, your magazine are simply feeding into the societal stereotype that says that being fat is bad and wrong and being skinny is right and good.  You tout yourself as a magazine for young women and women who are looking for tips to make their lives better yet you publish horribly offensive articles that clearly state that being obese is something that can easily be changed with a personal trainer or a trip to the YMCA.

Shame on you.

I feel for Ms. Kelly, I really do.  Not only did she feel it was appropriate to write the horrible hate-filled and uneducated words that she did but then she had to step up and apologize for those words.  She had to reveal that her words MAY have come out of a history of eating issues and anorexia.  First of all, I can say with almost 100% certainty her horrible words MUST have come from a history of eating issues and anorexia.  Second of all, if she cannot own the words and opinions that she wrote maybe she should not have written them.  And finally, I feel for her because it must have been hard to come out and admit that she had an eating problem and needed help- much as it is difficult for obese people to come out and admit that they may have a problem and need help.

Ms. Coles, really, I am disappointed in your magazine and your premise as being there for women. You, in this case, are no where near to being there for any of us.  I cannot believe that any editor would allow such a piece of mean-spirited writing to published in a magazine such as yours, or any.  I can also tell you that I will NEVER purchase Marie Claire again and my daughter never will.  I will also make sure that I share this with all of the "fatties" and non-"Fatties" I associate with.

Thank you for your time,

Stranger Danger

About two weeks ago there was chatter amongst the parents in my area that a man was going to local Wal-Marts and trying to take children from the Halloween section.  Or that's where the screams came from that thwarted his plans.

Yesterday, I received an email at work about a suspicious white van that was following children and watching after school in the area of the school where I work.

All of this, coupled with common sense, has made it so that I have become hyper-vigilant with my kids when we go out- ESPECIALLY when we're in a store.

It's also made it so that at the forefront of my mind is that fact that I need to make my kids aware that talking to strangers is not a good idea and that if they ever get lost there are specific things they should do to ensure their safety.  But I worry that I'm going to make them afraid.  Afraid of people, afraid of going out, afraid of everything.

I've been able to talk with my 5 year old about this a little.  I've been able to explain to him about strangers and what to do if someone approaches you.  But I don't think he's getting the clear idea and I'm not sure how to get that message across without making him fearful of everyone.

How do you explain to a child that they shouldn't talk to strangers and what is a stranger is but it's ok to talk to their friend's mommy or daddy if they ask you question?

How do you tell a child to go and say hello to someone they have never met when earlier you were telling them that she shouldn't talk to people they don't know?

How do you make them aware of the world around them and the fact that there are bad- and good- people in it without scaring them away from being a part of that world?

There are bad people in this world, we only need to turn on our TV or radio to know that, and we need to protect our children from them but how do we do that correctly?

I want my child to understand the difference between a stranger and someone he really just hasn't met yet but should get to know.  I want him to have a clear understanding of dangerous people and how to stay away from them. 

I don't want my children to be afraid of the world around them and the people in it- I think that's a terrible way to live your life. 

But how do I teach them about stranger danger and how to avoid it and be safe without scaring them?

Kindergarten Garbage

My kid loves Kindergarten.  My GOD does he freaking love Kindergarten!??!  And homework.  And library.  And aftercare.  And computer class.  And art class.  And on and on and on!

And thank God for all of that.

But, seriously, is it wrong to ask his Kindergarten teacher to maybe, inadvertently, misplace or (heaven forbid) throw away some of his creations?!  Because at this point, a) my emotional state will not allow me to throw anything away without guilt taking over and b) if I accumulate any more random papers, completed homework assignments, or TIME for Kids magazines, my house is going to look like a recycling plant exploding inside of it!

And if my daughter's pre-school teachers could consider tossing some stuff, too, that'd be awesome!

My Sort of Bucket List

A number of months back I posted a list on Facebook that was kind of like my Bucket List but not really because I have no intention of being dead by 35!!  I've decided to cut and paste the exact post/note here and I've made some comments to it. 

I spent the afternoon and evening with my best friend from high school, Kate, and we were talking about turning 30. She mentioned that she and a bunch of her college friends had all gone away to celebrate their 30th birthdays. While they were away they made lists of 30 things they want to achieve by the time they turn 35. Some things were big, others not so much. While our husbands found this idea to be corny, I actually really liked it and I've decided to yoink it from Kate and her friends and make my own!

Thanks for the inspiration, ladies! And here's to a busy 5 years ahead!!

30 Things to do before 35

1. Complete a triathlon- DONE!
2. Complete a triathlon in under 2 hours
3. Get to 165 and maintain within 7 pounds (Want to do this by 31)- Getting There!
4. Sell my house- We're almost on the market!!  WOO HOO!!
5. Finish my Masters and PhD.- This is slightly amended.  I will be finished with my first masters next week!! I've applied for a second Masters program so completing my PhD. by 35 probably won't happen but two masters and on my way to a PhD. is A-OK with me!!
6. Run a half marathon- Looking for an event for the Spring so that I can start training now!
7. Make really good cream puffs (this won't help with #3)
8. Take my kids to Disney World
9. Sing Karaoke in a bar
10. Organize all of my pictures into albums
11. Read a book by Ayn Rand- all the way through!
12. Go to Key West and have my picture taken at the Southern Most Point in the U.S.
13. Plant a vegetable garden that actually produces vegetables
14. Turn in my lesson plans on time every week- This may sound ridiculous to non-teachers or to organized teachers but for me this would be HUGE! Right now, I'm a week behind....not bad for me!
15. Make a piece of clothing for one of my kids to wear- in public.- Really, this is a basic desire to learn to sew!!
16. Jetski
17. Surf- REALLY surf
18. Go to Cooperstown
19. Learn to ballroom dance- not necessarily well
20. Learn how to eat crabs
21. Knit or Crochet a blanket- This may be one of the MOST challenging ones.  My hands DO NOT work the way they are supposed to be able to knit or crochet!!
22. Learn to de-bone a chicken
23. Start my own small business
24. Speak at a conference for educators
25. Either have a 3rd child or make a final decision that we are done having kids
26. Take my kids to Boston and Washington D.C.
27. Become a school administrator
28. Participate in one of the 3-day walks for Breast Cancer
29.
30.

I have two spots left.  I am sure there is more that I would like to do or accomplish but I just can't think of it!  Feel free to suggest away in the comments!!

Weather Systems

So, when I got married I knew it was going to be hard.  Relationships are hard- regardless of whether or not they are marriages or just friendships.

But no one mentioned how hard it could really get.

I mean like so hard that some days you'd seriously consider prison life because you just can't spend one more minute with this person who, for all intents and purposes, you've promised to spend the rest of your life with.

Yeah, I've been there.

If you want to tell me that you've never been there or at least close to there, that's ok.  That's wonderful for you and your spouse.  I don't necessarily believe you but I think it's great that your marriage is that effortless.

Mine is NOT effortless.  As a matter of fact a few months ago I wasn't sure how much more effort I could put into it.  And I know my husband had similar feelings.

It was just so hard.   SO HARD.  And I really felt like it shouldn't be that hard. 

I was wrong.

There were fights.  There were tears.  There were silent nights and days.  There were long talks.  there was just a lot of everything.  All of those things that come with any type of struggle.

It was hard.  It still is.  There are days- granted very few and very far between- where I'd like to take a permanent trip to a beach somewhere but now it's about implementing the things we learned years ago in pre-cana classes.  It's about the compromise.  It's about the communication.  It's about the trust.  And really, it's about the fact that we do love one another and our life together.

It got hard because we thought it was just so easy.  We let it slip away from us.  We got wrapped up in the life we were trudging through but not really living.  We neglected each other and the individuality we each brought to our relationship.

And is it perfect now?

HAH!

Not even close!

Is it better?  Is it a work in progress?  Is it back to being healthier?

Yes, a resounding yes. 

I wish that someone had warned me about how truly hard it would get.  How much intensive work and struggle it would take.  I wish I had known it, REALLY known it going in.  I doubt it would have made all that much of a difference but it would have been nice to be able to stop for a moment and say, "Oh yeah, I KNEW this was coming."

But I didn't.  And I don't know how much harder it could get.  But now I see that the storms that we weather alone and the storms that we weather together are no different because it's all part of one big weather system.  And as long as we protect one another in the weather system, the storms will blow by as we battle each one.

What I am Willing to Trade

Yesterday I spent more than 45 minutes filling out paperwork.  Paperwork that is not even close to complete.  Paperwork that could ultimately change our lives.  Paperwork that, once filed, will have our house up for sale.

In thinking about it all- both as I was filling it out and after the fact- I realized a few things.  First, I'm extremely nervous about this.  I have no idea where we are going to go, how it's all going to play out or what's going to happen.  Second, this is HUGE.  Monumental. And somewhat overwhelming.  Finally, third, how are we EVER going to sell our house in this market?!?!?!

I also thought about the things that I'm willing to "trade" from our life now.  Things I'm willing to give up for being closer to our families, my work, my kids' school and an area that I'm much more comfortable in.

I'm willing to trade or give up:

* Being a homeowner for being a renter for awhile
* Having my snow shoveled for me
* Having my grass mowed for me
* Living on a Cul de Sac
* Being minutes away from apple orchards and pumpkin farms
* Living around the corner from the YMCA
* Having bears wander through my backyard
* Having neighbors who think it's ok to trespass and cut my roses for their own enjoyment
* Having an HOA fee each month that really doesn't get us much more than grass and snow removal- and garbage
* 95 minute commutes on bad days, 45 minutes on good ones
* Having my yard back to protected land
* Having a good size backyard but even better sized side yard
* Having to miss events at my daughter's current school because it's just too far to travel on my lunch break
* Having to be up before 5 most mornings
* Not being near a train station that can get me and my kids into the city, easily, for a spontaneous afternoon trip
* And so much more

We have contemplated and waffled and argued and every other emotion there is about this next step.  It's huge and scary and exciting all at once.  It's something we have needed for awhile and something we really want.

And now it's starting to really happen and I wouldn't trade any of this experience for the world!

Before and After

I completed my first triathlon this summer.

We use the word awesome so much in our society and I think that it often loses the meaning with which it was originally created.

I have to say, though, my experience was awesome.  In the truest sense of the word.  There is no other way to describe it.

I don't want to recap the entire day because a play by play could never actually capture what it was like to be a part of this even and complete it.  But I can tell you that I still get chills thinking about it.

I have always been an athlete.  My entire life.  It is truly part of what defines me.  Even at my heaviest I still played sports.  But when I took on the challenge of participating in this race I really was not sure it was going to happen.

First off, swimming is not my strong suit.  I am a former swimmer but not a championship one.  Not a highly competitive one.  Just one who did swim team for awhile and then left to focus on basketball.  So, the idea of having to swim in a dirty disgusting river really, actually, scared me.

Second, biking.  I enjoy riding my bike.  I'm sure that on really nice days in the past when I've gone out on trails and with friends I've easily rode 15, 16 or even 20 miles with no problem and without realizing it.  But the thought of being on a bike for 16 straight miles of hills and turns and unknowns was not all that appealing to me.

Finally, running AFTER biking.  HAH!  I run now and it's a shitshow because I'm not a "trained" runner.  But running a 5k AFTER having swam and biked, well, forget it.  I knew that right then and there my legs were going to detach themselves from my body and sit down on the ground and throw a temper tantrum. 

But, all of it, I did it.

It took me and my friend and training partner, Wolfie, a good while to do it, but we did it.

I have a picture sitting on my desk at work of Wolfie and I before the race began.  It's not the best picture but I really like it.  I keep it there because in that picture I am someone completely different from who I am now and who I was 3 hours after that picture was taken. 

I competed in and finished a triathlon this Summer and I didn't do it in record time or with the hope of winning, but I did it.  And I am in awe of my accomplishment.  I am amazed at what I have achieved because I never, ever, thought I could do that.

And next Spring, I'm going to do it three more times!

A Change in the Parenting Pattern

In the past few weeks I have been thrust into an entirely new dimension.  A new version of parenthood.  One that I knew was coming but it smacked me so hard upside my head that I haven't been able to regain consciousness just yet.

My son started Kindergarten this year and while I was fully aware that this was going to occur, I don't really think I was prepared for it.

I waited until the last minute to get everything done for him.  This was partially because I am the queen of the land called Procrastinationville.  (I tell myself I work at my best under pressure)  But it was also partially because if I didn't take care of anything maybe the reality would not occur.

Logical, right?

Well, it needed to get done and get done, it did. 

My first realization that this was all going to actually happen was standing in the uniform store with my mother and two children.  My son was trying on a sweater vest and I started to cry. 

Now, let's remember, my kid has been in some form of school or daycare since he was 9 weeks old.  NINE WEEKS!  I was not crying because my baby was leaving the nest....far from it.  I was crying for the same reason that I bawled a week later when driving to work and thinking about how he'd be going to school soon- he was growing up. 

I love that my kids are growing up.  I love that they are learning new things and becoming kind and generous individuals (outside of our home).  I love that I don't have diapers in my house anymore and that my children dress themselves- albeit they don't always match.  But when a milestone like this appears, I am quickly thrust back into the early hormonal roller coaster days of new parenthood.

These are uncharted waters we're going through here and I worry that they may start to get choppy.

I bawled on my son's first day of school.  I tried my best to really hold it together.  I didn't want him to be worried that this was going to be hard or be afraid of a new school.  But apparently, my best at holding together is not all that great because I was a mess. 

My son?  Not so much.

His teacher stopped me in the hallway a few days later to see how I was doing and we laughed about the fact that this was not about him going off to school, per se.  She told me that I was the first parent in YEARS to cry on the first day of Kindergarten.  And then she told me that it was refreshing because it is such a monumental moment.

Last night was Back to School Night for my son.  And I managed to only tear up two or three times.  No weeping this time around.

Tomorrow night is another meeting at his school for a fun

But I'm in this world that I've really only seen from either the outside or the teacher side.  This world of parenthood is completely different from anything I've know yet. 

I don't know how to be a PTA mom, and I'm not sure I want to know.

I can't be the Home and School mom who organizes the gift wrap sale.  I mean I can, but I don't think I want to be.

Room mother really doesn't appeal to me.

Thank God there are parents that want those jobs because right now, I just don't know where I fit into this stage of parenting.

I never thought about the changing dimensions of parenthood and I certainly never expected to be this emotional. 

I guess in the end it becomes about your child weathers these changes.  My son, in his classroom on his first day as I was crying, patted me on the shoulder, gave me a kiss and told me it was all going to be ok.

Clearly, something is being done right!

I'm back

I think it might be time to make a return appearance.  Hopefully, a long term return appearance.

I'm not really sure why I stopped writing here. 

I can't give you a specific instance that occurred that made me want to step away from here.

I just needed to step away because it stopped being enjoyable. 

It stopped being about what I really wanted to say and more about what I thought people wanted to hear.

And I was caring about comments.  And I hate when I care about comments.

It wasn't about the content of the comments but rather that I was or was not getting them.

So, I very easily walked away.

I thought about coming back more than a dozen times but it never struck me as the right time.

I don't know why now is all of a sudden the right time but it is.

And I'm back.

I've been away. 

I've been all over the place since I've been gone.

I've been working and running and triathlon-ing and doctor visiting and house hunting and house staging and painting and just living in chaos.

And now I'm back.

Thanks for stick around.

The Return: An Epic

I'm making a comeback. And I found this article interesting and thought provoking.

All Joy and No Fun