Scared Surgical

This is my son. He turned 3 on Sunday. I wanted to write about what I was doing 3 years ago Sunday, i.e. giving birth and then begging for an egg mcmuffin, but I decided to sort of write about something similar but different.

My son is having surgery this Thursday. I have every confidence in his surgeon. He is a top rated doctor and did a wonderful job with his first surgery. I have every confidence that my son will come through the procedure perfectly fine and recover and do wonderfully. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the right move for him. He needs this surgery.

Our hospital has an incredible Children's hospital and that's part of the reason we use the pediatrician we use and why I choose the specialists for my children that I do. I want my kids' doctors to be associated with this hospital. Part of the preparation for surgery from this hospital is a Family Surgery Program. They take the family of the child, and the child, preparing for surgery on a tour of the facility. They explain what is going to happen. They give them the masks and such that will help them get used to what they'll see on the day of surgery. It really is an excellent program and it helps, not only the child, but the parents, too. We were not able to get in for a tour because they don't run them every week but I was able to get in touch with the Child Life Specialist at the hospital who was extremely helpful and put together a whole package of stuff for our little guy to help him get ready for surgery. Hence the picture.

Kelly over at Ordinary Art left me comment about the picture scaring her and to be quite truthful, it scared me too. (She also left very kind words that made me feel good and let me know she understands!) When I brought all of the "goodies" home to help our boy get ready, I was nervous about it. What if I said something wrong that set off his fears? What if I used a word or phrase that isn't good to use with kids getting ready for surgery? What if I sent him into a tailspin of anxiety before this procedure and scarred him for life? I hate the fact that my 3 year old son has seen the inside of an operating room twice in two years. I hate the fact that he can name his specialists and going to the doctor is routine for him. I hate the fact that he is more comfortable with surgical garb and gear than I am. Most of all, I hate the fact that just like 3 years ago I am going to have leave him in the care of medical professionals and I won't be by his side during a very traumatic occurrence.

My son was born on time, maybe a week early, actually 4 days early- he was due Valentine's day. (Ironic considering his surgery- and kind of a "new life"- begin for him this Valentine's Day) He was perfect. Great apgar scores, nothing wrong with him physically. We had issues nursing and eventually he became pretty badly jaundiced. He went under the lights pretty quickly and stayed there for the remainder of my hospital stay. I gave birth EARLY on a Thursday morning and he was put under the lights sometime between Thursday and Friday. I went home on Saturday and he stayed in the hospital. We didn't know if he'd come home with us on Sunday- it was all dependent upon his levels and how much he got to eat and how well everything worked. We left Saturday night, by 11:59pm so that insurance wouldn't bill us, without our first born. I cannot tell you, although I'm sure some of you know, what that was like. Being wheeled out of the hospital with no baby was a horrible feeling. Leaving behind the life we had just "created" was horrendous. And while this Thursday I won't be leaving the hospital, I am still leaving him in someone else's care. I am putting all of my trust and my life in the hands of another- highly capable- human being.

That picture scares me. But at the same time it makes me smile. It shows me the resiliency of my child. It shows me that the endless doctor appointments, blood work, skin tests, medications and procedures have not broken our little guy down. He is still just as strong as he was when he was underneath those blue lights. I fear for my child going into surgery. I fear that 1% that you always have to sign away about. I fear the minimal risks of anesthesia. I fear the pain that he will have following surgery and that I won't be able to explain it or help him get through it. But I also know that he will be fine. He will make it through. He will be in pain but with the right medication and lots of hugs and TLC he will be ok. I, on the other hand, may need a giant bottle of whiskey and a percoset to recover.