Friday, October 24, 2008

It Is What It Is

I have to say thank you so very much to each and every one of you who sent me an email, called me, text messaged me, commented, im'd me, facebooked me, etc. Your words, your thoughts, your prayers, everything has meant so very much to me and I am so grateful and honored to know that I have your support and kindness. I am blessed to have such wonderful people in my life! Thank you! I cannot say that enough!! THANK YOU!!

Have you ever seen that episode of "Friends" where Phoebe is on hold because the warranty on her phone is running out and her phone is broken? She is waiting and waiting. Skips part of what's going on with the other friends because she doesn't want to lose her place in line.

That's how the past few days have felt. I have a feeling, if I allow it, that's how the next two months will feel, too.

I saw my doctor. Part of me thought I was going to get in there, she was going to check me and look at me and say, "You're so silly to be worried! Your breasts are perfect!!"


I currently have a 1cm cyst. Nothing major. Nothing great. The concern is that the discomfort, pain and tenderness I've been experience is not related to the cyst. She's unsure of what it's related to.

So, we wait. 2 months.

Not great news. Not terrible news.

Not completely sure how to feel.

I have relief. I feel as though it's temporary.

I still have fear. I cannot live in that.

I have worry. If I allow it, that will consume me.

I am doing everything in my power to be as positive as possible about this. I am doing all that I can to remember that she did not tell me that I have cancer. But she also did not tell me that I do not. I am doing all that I can to put this into the recesses of my mind until December 22nd.

But it's hard. It's hard to live with knowing. It's hard to think about what's there and what could be there. It's hard because I have a feeling and I hate the feeling. I have this feeling that it is something more. It is in my gut. It is in my heart. It is in all that I am.

I don't know why.

I do know that I cannot live that for the next two months. I cannot live each and every day thinking about what could be growing. I cannot live each moment full of worry.

It gets me absolutely no where.

Today is what it is.

There is something. I am not crazy. There was a reason I checked myself and there is reason for each and every thing that results.

It is what it is and I will deal with it as it comes.

I will not allow myself and my life to be completely consumed by this. If I do that than I am not really living. I am simply surviving and I cannot allow that.

Everything changed when I did that exam and it will keep changing but I will not live in worry until the next big change.

I will just live because it is what it is and right now I cannot change that.


ConverseMomma said...

I wish you did not have to live in the grey area. I'm always here for you. Always!

Leendaluu said...

I feel your tension and anxiety. And it would be easy for me to tell you to put in out of your mind, but I won't do that because I hate when people do that to me. But why don't you set aside a few minutes each day to think about it, feel your anxiety and then put it away so that you can live the rest of your day. That way you acknowledge it because it is real but then you put it in perspective. We'll keep the good thoughts coming.

the MomBabe said...

ugh. Waiting is the worst because you have the time to either thoroughly dismiss it, or dwell on it and die of stress. not fun. Good luck not thinking about it.

Colleen said...

Waiting truly can be the worst thing. Not knowing. Living while trying to be hopeful... but not able to help fearing.

What is the reason behind the waiting? What are you and the doctor waiting for?

Alison said...

I know exactly what you are going through. I have the same thing going on in my left breast. I have my followup appt next Thursday...I have had to wait 6 is not fun.

Anonymous said...

Dear Alison,

Tell God your fears and your concerns. I know you will feel relief when you speak to him.
You will get through this with him!!! You also have people that he's placed in your life who care for you and about what bothers you.
use your friends. Don't forget to lean on God and them.
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers (as you should be all the time. Glad to read you had fun today with your friends!!!

A Buns Life said...

Not to be pushy....but I am a FIRM believer in second and third opinions...I don't think you should sit around and "wait and see" and I don't like that she is unsure what your pain is related to.

No, I am not a medical professional, but I am the only one in my family that didn't go into medicine (research for me!) so I hear plenty....your Dr. shouldn't be offended you just need to find some answers. You shouldn't have to wait 2 months to get them....


Sandi said...

No Mammogram or ultrasound?

Kate said...

The waiting part is a little puzzling to me. I've had a bunch of breast issues - biopsies, lump removed, etc.. and none of my Dr.s ever said "wait". Of course, it's your body and whatever yo and your Dr. decided is between you and your Dr., so I'm not trying to push or pry. Sorry if I've stepped over boundaries with that comment. I'm just a little worried....

Anna said...

This doesn't make any sense to me - from my experience doctors prefer to err on the side of caution when it comes to lumps and breasts. Why aren't you getting a mammogram? Maybe you're going a bit overboard by freaking out about cancer just yet?

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