Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself!

So, I've thought about how to begin this post 42 times today.

I've thought about the title.

I've thought about what I wanted to say.

I've thought about the fact that there probably was going to be no flowery language this time around.

I've thought about the fact that I wanted to interject humor because I use humor to deal with everything.

I've thought about wanting to interject awareness.

And now I'm here.

And now I'm just going to write. I'm just going to tell you.

Monday night I couldn't really find much of anything to watch on TV so I turned to my trusty TiVo. I LOVE the suggestion folder on TiVo. Most times. Lately, TiVo has been recording QVC and the music channels for us. I have no idea why. It's like that episode of King of Queens where Spence's TiVo records all shows that lead to everyone thinking he's homosexual. (Not that there's anything wrong with that!)

I digress.

I turned to TiVo and my suggestions. I passed over the endless Dora, Yo Gabba Gabba's and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and found "Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy". I watched this when it originally aired and I decided to watch it again. I liked it the first time.

So, I watched. And I cried. And I enjoyed it again.

Went to bed that night and decided that I should do a self exam on myself. Especially since the last time I did one was, oh, 3 years ago. (PS- TOTALLY should be done every month!!!)

My left side was fine. I never know what I'm feeling but it hasn't appeared to change so I guess it's ok. Right?

On to the right.

I moved into my armpit. And that's where it all changed.

I don't know what I felt. I don't know if it was a lump or a mass or what. All I know is that it was PAIN. I mean really.

Tender. Hurt. Pain.

It went from under my arm to my right boob. And damn, it hurt to be touched. So I stopped touching it.

I asked the husband to checking. Assuming he had these soft cotton ball fingers. Uh, yeah, no such luck. He tried to check it. He tried to feel, as well. Again, pain.

I made him stop.

I slept.

The next morning I called my doctor. Of course she was closed for the day. Of course. I spent the day in waiting. It gave me time to think.

A week and a half ago the husband and I were in bed. Just laying there. It was probably the first time we had been in bed together, awake at the same time, in weeks! We were laying there and he rested his head kind of in my arm pit/on my shoulder. I had to make him move. It hurt so bad. It was painful and not in my shoulder. It was painful in the spot where it would be painful a week later during a random self exam.

Today, I called again. I got through to my doctor. My always overbooked but fabulous doctor. She got me in on Friday afternoon.

And now I wait in a holding pattern. I sit. I think. I try not to think. (That's actually not so hard.) I stay here and await Friday.

I have no expectations of Friday. Sure, I'm worried. But I know that I'll probably walk out of the doctor's office with a script for a bunch of tests and scans. I'll be in the same place that I am now, waiting. But at least my doctor will be involved.

I share this with you because any thoughts and prayers you can send would be wonderful. Appreciated more than I could ever say or express.

I share this with you because each and every one of you should be checking yourself. You should be doing your exam. You should be making sure you're ok and clear. And you should be telling everyone you know to do the same. Men included!! My grandfather had Breast Cancer.

I share this with you because I wanted to. I needed to. And I'm glad I did. I hope just one of you walks away from your computer and checks yourself. If that happens than sharing this fulfilled it's purpose.

So, go check yourself!

9 comments:

Feener said...

sending you prayers, and i just checked myself, thank you for this post.

Leendaluu said...

Sending you many good thoughts. It's scary and I wish you health. I check myself regularly but have been bad about mammograms but it's time to rethink that. On an upside, i had a similar thing 5 years ago and it was an abscess--surgically drained and all was good, so it's not necessarily all bad.

signed..the eternal optomist

A Buns Life said...

I will be thinking about you on Friday....and it's odd that you wrote about this today...just yesterday I was thinking that I haven't done it in a while. Hang in there....

Sandi said...

I found a lump on my breast the day I came home from the surgery on my pancreas. It turned out to be a swollen lymph node.

I will be thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Alison,
Read My g-mail comment. I sent you an e-mail before I decided to catch up on your blog, in the hopes of getting more info about your bump. It is really weird, or maybe it's God's way of comforting you- because I address what you wrote about yesterday without even knowing all the info. I have shivers up my spine!! Hang in there sweetie!!!God hasn't forgotten you. Rachel

Kate said...

I hope it's just an infection and not something more serious. I'll keep you in my prayers.

crazymumma said...

I may be totally mis informed. But I thought it was the painful lumps that were most often benign. I am not sure.

damn.

I wish I knew.

you are going to be checked and you are going to be taken care of.

Alison said...

I will be thinking of you on Friday....I know exactly what you are going through..I had a suspicious area on my mammogram 6 months ago, had to go in for another one, they then sent me for an ultrasound, said it was OK and to come back in 6 months for a recheck. I have an appt next week. It is very unnerving and your imagination takes you places you do not want to be....take a deep breath and try to relax.

Anonymous said...

alison darlin .sometimes there are no words to help...just do something else while you are waiting... like a big ole project...that you hate... like cleaning out the worst closet or drawers..thats what my nana did..she worked through her worry and the days went faster till the
answers came........much love to you our" little momma." love kathy k

 
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