Monday, October 27, 2008

30 Minutes

I cannot allow myself to sit and think about whether or not I have cancer for the next two months.

Do you know how freaking crazy that will make me?!?!


I cannot allow myself to NOT sit and think about whether or not I have cancer for the next two months.

Do you know how really freaking crazy that will make me?!?!

Have you read Leendaluu? She's great. She's funny. Smart. Tons of great things to share. I really enjoy reading her. She left me a comment the other day advising me to set aside time each day to think about what's going on and then move on.

At first, I thought that was crazy. I'm going to schedule time to think about cancer and worst case scenarios? I shouldn't be worrying.

Uh, yeah, all I've been doing is thinking about it. It invades my thoughts. It invades my days and nights. It has wrapped itself around my brain, my heart, my soul.

And it is making me CRAZY. I cannot do this for the next two months.

So, I've decided. I've made a decision.

I am giving myself 30 minutes each day. I get to dwell for 30 minutes. I get to think. I get to wallow. I can use my 30 minutes to research. To talk. To just focus on it.

Then I'm done for the day.

Will this work every single day? No, of course not. I'm pretty realistic about it. There are going to be days where I will not be able to erase the thought of what could be from my brain. And I am hoping that there will be days where the thoughts won't even enter my head.

It's kind of like dieting. You cannot deny yourself completely because then you binge and it all ends badly. If I keep myself from thinking about it completely for the next two months I will break down. It will make my head explode.

30 minutes a day.

And there's more.

I need distractions. I need something other than what has always been there to keep my mind from everything new. I'm getting up and moving. I'm turning over a semi new leaf. It's about reconnecting with my physical self.

I've been offered a coaching job. Coaching rowing for underprivileged girls. I've decided to try and financially swing a gym. Probably a place like Curves, nothing major.

I cannot change the fact that I might have cancer. If it is there then it's there. That's it.

Plain and simple.

I cannot dwell on it, either. I have to live.

So, I am going to.

30 minutes a day I get to dwell and focus. For the other 1,410 minutes I am going to do my very best to live.


Leendaluu said...

I'm glad it was a bit helpful. I've used this in the past and you are right, somedays you DO get consumed but others you are able to acknowledge your fear and pain and move forward. I find it helps be focus and be proactive. Enjoy the rest of the minutes in your day.

crazy working mom said...

What a great idea! I hope that it works for you. :)

I'm sending good thoughts your way!!!

crazymumma said...

Just the mantra of 30 minutes over and over in your head should help.

gah. may this two months be over soon.

Alison said...

each day it will get easier to not think about it, trust me....until the next appointment rolls around...then it is constantly in your next appt is thursday!!

Huckdoll said...

Oh Stella...I'm so sorry to read this, but so happy you're taking this approach...I don't know if I could as I always look at the negative - something I'm trying to change. I have no idea what's going through your head right now, but you are such a strong and beautiful woman and I know you're going to rock this.

It's like me and flying in a way. I spend the entire time clenching with my heart pounding, worrying....and when that plane lands safely, I'm all, "WHY did I spend that last six hours worrying so much about something I cannot control??"

I think your plane is going to land safely sweetie. You're in my prayers every single night.

womaninawindow said...

Oh shit, I was coming here with advice and all but that last line punched me in the chest and it is all gone.

Leeuna said...

Waiting is one of the hardest things...
I wish you the best and I will add you in my prayers.

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