Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Scatterings is Just Another Word for Randoms

I have a number of post waiting in the hopper. I've started them. One of them I think is finished, it's rough. It's random. It's choppy. It's weird to me. I don't know why I haven't published it, I just haven't.

The other post? Not finished. Started. Talks about high school. Talks about reunions. I don't know where I want it to go from there. Do I want to remember the nasty things that some of these girls that I graduated with did or do I focus on the fact that it's been 10 years and surely, we've grown? I sporadically keep in touch with many of these girls, some of them have not grown. I don't know, the post just isn't what I want it to be right now.

None of my posts are what I want them to be. Things are hectic. Not necessarily bad, just hectic. I just started Summer session, I added on a third class. The work of grad school is extensive, it always has been. Coupled with the end of the year at work the two have become all consuming. It's too bad because I'm taking Abnormal this semester. I'm so fascinated by it. I sit and read my DSM-IV and look at all of the disorders and their treatments and their causes and I'm engrossed. The day I received the book I opened it and turned right to Night Terrors. I needed some guidance. I need some info. I needed something besides my wonderful pediatrician telling me that it's ok for our son to keep joining us in bed each night. The DSM confirmed her instructions, I never doubted it would, but it also explained the disease to me. It explained why my 3 year old child was suffering from these horrible episodes. It explained how to deal with the episodes in a manner that would help to lessen them and bring my son out of them. It made dealing with the Night Terrors intellectual and systematic. It helped.

I digress. As usual.

Things are just hectic. I am ready for summer. I am ready to take my kids to the beach. I am ready to sit outside and feel the sun and watch my children laugh and have fun. I am ready to not be in my classroom. Yet, each morning as much as I hate waking up at an ungodly hour, I love going to work. I really do love my job. I can't always stand my students but I love my job.

So, I'm scattered. I don't know why. I feel like some days I'm in a holding pattern like an airplane. Like I'm in line to land but I haven't been cleared by tower. I'm not depressed. I'm not sad. Although I did watch "P.S. I Love You" the other night and wept through the whole thing. Well, on and off. Things are good just hectic. Because of that I have this feeling that I can't put into words which means I can't put any posts into words which means I sit in front of my computer and think about what to write about. I think I'm overthinking it. If I let it come, it will. I think I've read that somewhere else. I think it just needs to happen.

My bf M told me today that I have talent. I really thought that was nice, I was really touched and honored. Another bf, H, told me the words I wrote on her blog were wonderful. Again, touched and grateful. They know me better than anyone, except my mom, and I value their words. It's wonderful to know they value mine. It's wonderful to know that so many of you value them, too. I mean, you must. You keep coming back. You share me with others. My numbers keep going up. My comments don't always. Maybe I should allow anon comments again, then the comment numbers will climb. ;) Or Not. I appreciate that you value my words and I'm sorry if they seem scattered or not as coherent. I think I'm in overload and overtired mode.

Stay tuned....brilliance should be coming any day now....maybe.


LunaNik said...

I used to have unfinished posts, sitting on the back burner, waiting to be used. I just deleted them a few days ago. I just couldn't seem to finish them the way they needed to be finished. I know EXACTLY what you mean about being in a holding pattern. I've felt that before. It's frustrating in a way, right??

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