The Unimagined Road

Yesterday was probably the first time ever that I have seen my OB/GYN's office empty.  I mean EMPTY.  There were one or two women in the back exam rooms but that was it...they were gone by the time I went back.

I am thankful that it was empty.

I am thankful that I didn't need to leave my exam room right away after my ultrasound.

I am thankful that the nurses were able to come into my room and sit with me and hug me and cry with me until my mom was able to arrive.

I am thankful that there were no pregnant women sitting in the waiting room that I would have to walk by on my way out.

One week ago yesterday I saw my baby's strong heartbeat on the ultrasound monitor in the very same room that I was in yesterday.

Yesterday that same monitor showed a bean shaped baby with no heartbeat.

Yesterday I spent much of my afternoon and evening crying and trying not to think about the baby we had just chosen names and godparents for this past weekend.

Yesterday I spent much of my time after the doctor trying not to think about the fact that when August comes we won't be bringing home a new baby.

Yesterday I spent the hours after my unexpected doctor appointment mourning a life that was to develop between now and August.

Today, I begin the process of moving forward and continuing to grieve our baby but realizing that there is still a wonderful life here and endless possibilities laid out before us.

I never imagined that we would be on this road- I don't think anyone does- but here we are and we are navigating loss and change the best way we know how. 

I'm not really sure where this road leads but I am praying that it leads to greater happiness than we ever could have imagined. 

Because right now the sadness that we're walking with is just really shitty and I'd rather not have to live with it much longer.