Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Heavy Hearts and Heads

We lost a teacher at work yesterday.

He was a gym teacher and a coach.

It was sudden and tragic.

It happened in school, after hours, while he was alone.

It was an unbelievably sad day today.

We spent the day talking with the kids and praying. We celebrated a mass in this teacher's honor. We did all we could to keep the kids together and calm. We did all we could to keep ourselves together, as well.

I spent a good amount of time with a number of girls that I used to teach and currently teach. They were upset- as they should have been. Devastated. They were working through their emotions. Their tears brought on my own tears. They opened themselves up to me and shared their emotions and feelings and hurts. They trusted me and for that I am honored.

My shoulders were soaked with tears. My heart heavy with sadness and hurting for my lost co-worker and for those of us left behind and for the pain of each of our students.

I am a firm believer that those who pass from this Earth go somewhere exponentially better than what we have here. I believe in heaven. I believe in God. I believe that things happen for a reason and we may not always know or understand that reason but there always is one.

Death sucks. Big time.

It sucks for those of us left behind. It sucks for those of us who mourn and cry and deal with our loss. It sucks.

I firmly believe that our loved ones that pass are in heaven finding joy greater than anything we can experience here. While we cry and mourn and sit in sadness, they are enjoying all of those things and people that they loved here on Earth.

Death sucks for those of us left behind. I said those words over and over again today.

One of my former students put her head on my shoulder and released her pain and sadness. She cried. I cried. It was silent except for tears. Her head heavy on my shoulder.

I wanted more than anything to take her pain away. I wanted more than anything to tell her that tomorrow she will wake up and this will all have been a horrible dream.

I couldn't.

It's hard. It has to be. It get easier. But right now, it's hard and sad and it just plain sucks.

I put my daughter to bed a few minutes ago. I hugged her a bit tighter tonight. I sat in the rocker in her room, as we do every night, and she put her head on my shoulder. On the same shoulder that had accepted so many tears earlier in the day.

Her head was heavy. Heavy with sleep and love.

All I could think of was the day that her head became heavy with sadness and tears. I ached to be able to make sure that she never experienced what the kids did today at my school. I ached to be able to assure her that her heart and mind would never be full of sadness and anger.

It's impossible. The pain has to come . It has to be hard. It sucks but it has to be that way sometimes.

I try to remember that without the sadness we may not be able to realize how wonderful the happiness is.

I try to remember that sometimes it's the sadness that lets us know we're alive and human.

I try to remember that sometimes it's just going to suck and those are the times that we must lean on each other, no matter how heavy our hearts or heads may be.


Maggie, Dammit said...

I'm so sorry. You're right, it sucks so much.

I'm so sorry.

Kimmylyn said...

Oh Alison.. I am sooooo sorry.. Really really sorry..

Big hugs to you ... xoxox

crazymumma said...

Yes. death does indeed suck. more for those left behind.

Shelley said...

amazing post - very well written ...

design by suckmylolly.com