Ending the Cycle

So, I hit a deer the other day.

This is my third. But it's my first time actually hitting one.

The previous two times the deer ran into my car. Seriously.

The first time I was in high school in my dad's MASSIVE Volvo and the deer ran into the passenger side and then over the hood. It was surreal. The damage wasn't horrendous. The deer lived. I drove around the gas station pumps three times because I couldn't remember which side the tank was on and I was completely freaked out. Finally the attendant had to stop me and talk me "down".

The second time was about two years ago. I was pregnant with the girl and I was on my way to work with the boy in the car. Deer came bounding out of the woods in the early dawn and slammed right into the front passenger side of my van. Then the cop who showed up decided to try and be funny and asked my son if Santa and the Reindeer were coming early this year! WTH?!?!?

This time, it was Bambi. Or so my husband and co-workers like to think. I saw the first deer bound across the road. I should have stopped. I know better. I've lived in NJ too long not to know how deer operate- where there's 1, there's 92 more! I didn't stop.

I didn't see the next deer until it was too late. I swerved, or tried to, and got it's head.

Yeah, I know. It's head.

I now have a dent that matches the exact shape of a deer's head on my bumper on the passenger side. I don't know if the deer lived or died. I kept driving. It ran off.

I was pissed. At myself. At the situation. At all of it. Just pissed.

This isn't really about the deer. It really isn't about the incident. It's about what the incident made me think of.

Deer #2 came right at the beginning of my bad luck, sort of. I had already been diagnosed with my medical problems when that second deer ran into my van that morning. I had already gone through the first round of radiation but I was still waiting on finding out about any possible physical abnormalities with my unborn daughter.

For me, Deer #2 is like a marker. It's when I remember things really starting to go downhill. Or at least it's what I associate with all of that.

When Bambi ran into my car the other morning, or rather when I ran into Bambi, after my anger subsided, after I blew off steam with my husband on the phone and my friends at work, I began to think. I began to think that maybe this was the beginning of the "bad" again.

I began to feel that dread. I tried not to let seep in too much. And actually as soon as I started feeling it I said something to a good friend of mine. I told him that I was worried this was beginning all over again. That this was kicking it all off. Things were going so well and now, this deer was bringing me down again.

His words?

"You've completed the cycle. It's done now. You've come full circle. You started with a deer busting up your car- which you no longer have- and now you're ending with a deer busting up your car. That's it. You. Are. Done."

I couldn't get there on my own. I was wrapped in the negative. I was engulfed in the two years ago and the journey that has since occurred. And I was scared. I could not do all of that again. I would not.

He brought me back to what I've been trying to live- the positive.

Then he made jokes about deer all day and hung pictures of Bambi on my classroom door and on my desk. While another friend informed me that hitting a deer is supposed to bring immense good luck. I tend not to believe him but he assured me that within a week I would experience incredible luck and have something happen that is beyond wonderful.

We shall see. I am grateful for them.

I am deathly afraid of deer. I will not get out of my car if there is one on my lawn when I pull in at night or during the day. I do not think they are beautiful. I think they are everywhere and I find them annoying. And I am completely and totally afraid of them. I won't go into why, but just know I am completely serious in this.

They scare the living shit out of me.

That deer hitting my car drew up every fear that I have had. That deer made me angry and sad and worried and scared. That deer dented my car and tried to take away something that I have work so very hard to get to- my positive, more happy self.

And I almost let it.

Stupid deer.

I hit a deer the other day and I almost let it ruin my day and dictate how my life was going to go from here on out.

I hit a deer the other day and I immediately assumed the universe was out to get me and my life was beginning a downward slope.

I hit a deer the other day and I was reminded that I need to find the positive in everything that happens.

I hit a deer the other day and ended the cycle for good. Positive from here on out, no question.

Stupid deer, I may be afraid of you but I won't let you crush me.

Just my bumper.