Stream of consciousness....
n., pl. streams of consciousness.
- A literary technique that presents the thoughts and feelings of a character as they occur.
- Psychology. The conscious experience of an individual regarded as a continuous, flowing series of images and ideas running through the mind.
I'm not talking about being unhappy with my life. The parts that I don't like I'm working on. I'm finishing my degree. I'm trying to do more for me while still doing all for my family. (That sounds realistic, doesn't it?!?!) I'm trying not to take so much so seriously. I'm moving past the year(s) of crap that I've, we've, had recently. I'm trying to forget about the bullshit. I'm trying to get out of the murk that was the experiences of the past year or more. I'm really trying.
Some days it's just too hard. And I'm down.
I don't think I'm depressed. I think I'm a little sad but really it's only been tonight that I'm feeling this way. Last weekend I was feeling a bit nostalgic and that made me a little sad but I pushed it aside and move beyond. Tomorrow I will wake up and my son will be staring at me asking me to put on Noggin and my daughter will be sleeping in, as usual. Tomorrow, I will dress my kids and myself. Tomorrow, I will-unfortunately- put on a bathing suit. (SO not ready for that!!) Tomorrow, I'll head down the shore and spend the day with a woman that I never imagined would be my friend, let alone one of my closest. I never thought she liked me. Tomorrow, we'll spend the day at the beach and we'll be with our kids and another mom or two and we'll enjoy ourselves. I'll come home and be fine (and tan, I hope). The day will, hopefully, have been great. Tomorrow, I'll wake up and I don't think I'll be sad.
But I don't know.
Will I allow myself to get down tomorrow, too? Will something set me off and make me think that there is something wrong with me? (Not physically) Will I see something or talk to someone who will make me feel like I'm being left out? Sometimes the uncertainty of tomorrow drives me nuts. Sometimes it excites me.
Some days I don't think I'm nearly as strong as people seem to think I am. I've felt this way for a long time. I felt like this in high school when one of the girls I was friendly with went for the guy that I liked and that liked me.
"It's Mountain Momma, she'll be fine!" The whole group of my friends talked and planned behind my back. And then they were a couple.
I felt like this just before college started and the person who was my youth minister tried to get me to forgive another teen because "Mountain Momma, you're more mature, you understand these things, you're sure of yourself. You're a leader, people look up to you." What would people have thought if I did not confront the fact that this other teen, this "friend", had talked about me and everything I ever shared with him in confidence? I eventually came to forgive him but not until after he had sufficiently played the victim and I was ostracized.
I've felt like this a lot. Like the feelings I have are minimal compared to everyone else's. The emotions I experience don't matter because everyone else's are more valid. Like it's ok to talk about me behind my back but it's not ok to share what was said when it all blows up.
I feel like I don't belong here. I'm not talking about the blogosphere. I feel like, some days, I don't belong anywhere and most of the time I'm ok with that. Because I know who I am and that's what is important. But sometimes I need to belong. Again, not talking about the blogosphere. I know I will find where I belong, eventually, but does it have to take so damned long?!?!
I know there are people who read my words and will read these words and get some sense of satisfaction out of the fact that maybe I'm not all that confident all the time and I'm sad and lonely sometimes. Whatever, I feel sorry for you at least I have the courage to "say" them.
I know there are people who read my words and will read these words and will be worried or upset by them. Don't worry, I'm not on the edge. Just letting it out. Wishing it all could have been different- the experiences, not me.
I know there are people who read my words and will read these words and will be surprised by what they say and what they express. I guess I'm a little surprised, too. Writing it all kind of scares me but I felt it was important to get it out.
I know there are people who read my words and will read these words and will say, "I know just what you're saying." Or at least I hope there are....well, ideally I hope there aren't but I know I can't possibly be alone.
I don't know where it goes from here. I've actually considered compromising myself and a little bit of my integrity and my feelings and then I remember and I think of things and I stop myself and slam my head into the wall to wake myself up and call a friend. I don't know how to make myself belong. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I just need to let it be.
I have other thoughts in my stream but I think I've rambled enough for tonight.