I KNOW it

They say that the hardest part is admitting you have a problem or that you need help.  That you can't get the help you need and heal until you say, "I need help. There is something wrong that needs to be fixed."

Not so for me.

I know I need to see a therapist.  My doctor has been saying since we found out we were having twins, "Make sure you find someone to talk to after the babies are born. You will need it."  My husband has said it.  My mother has said it.  And I have said it to myself.

I KNOW that I need help. 

I KNOW that I need to talk with someone.

I KNOW I'm having a hard time right now.

I can easily admit all of that.

The hardest part for me?  Actually making the phone call.

My insurance company has provided me with a list of therapists that take our plan.  There are women, men, close by ones, far away ones, ones who have evening hours, one who have daytime hours.  I have my pick of more than a dozen.  But for some reason, I cannot pick up the phone.

Part of it is trying to fit it into our schedule is hard.  I have two older children who have activities and school and go to a school that is more than 45 minutes away from where we live.  I have a husband who works long hours practically 7 days a week.  And I have two newborns that require a lot of care and attention.

And don't say it, I already KNOW it.

I need to take care of myself.  I need to take care of my mental well being.

I KNOW.

Part of it is also that even though my insurance company gave me in network providers I'm worried about cost.  What cost will come back to me?  We can't afford it right now.  We're trying to get rid of our house and move.  I'm trying to buy everything we need to eat with coupons.  And we're seriously considering me staying home full time next year.  And to top it off I decided to check out our pending insurance claims and found that just ONE of the girls' claims is over $93,000!  Hopefully it will be approved and covered but there are nights I lay awake thinking, "What if it's not? How in God's name will we ever pay off over $300,000 worth of medical bills?!?!"

I KNOW we'll manage no matter what and my well being is far more important than bills.

And really part of it is that there are days where I feel really good.  Like that feeling of anxiety and sadness and disconnect has passed.  Like I'm starting to see pieces of my old self and my "normal" self.  But just like that it could be gone.  And that's when I really know I need to call.

But for some reason I have not been able to make the phone call.  And I need to.

I KNOW it.