Wednesday, October 28, 2009

At A Loss For Words

This is still so very weird to me.

And it is so not about me.

I find my days are not really occupied with thoughts of the murder or who committed it.

But at night my brain and my heart race.

I put my children to bed and I kiss them goodnight. I think that because of a choice Jose may never be able to do this with his children again.

I lay in my bed and I try to put myself in his shoes. I cannot. What made him so angry? What made him break?

What made him become someone I never, ever, knew?

I see that horrendous picture of him and it is not the man I knew. Except for the glasses. Jose ALWAYS had glasses that never really "sat" on his face correctly.

It occupies my quiet time.

It surrounds my mind.

It breaks my heart.

I try to describe the man I knew. I try to tell people about the Jose who I met as a 12 year old and who asked about me and my children consistently.

I want to tell them about one of the kindest souls I knew.

I want them to understand that this man was good.

I want them to see the man I saw that night at the Easter Vigil with my friends. The man we supported when he chose to become Catholic.

But I cannot find the words.

They are there but I am trying to come up with words to convince people that the Jose I knew was NOT a murderer.

Except he is.

And this is not about me but I cannot get it out of my mind and my heart.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

It is about you... and everyone else who knew the two men to be exactly as you have described them. Your thoughts and being at a loss for words are part of the whold process that accompanies "senseless" actions. That's why they are called senseless, because we can't put our thoughts together and we can't make sense out of the reality.
Hopefully we will get some answers, but the senselessness of the whole thing will never go away.
Mom

Melissa said...

I can only imagine you must be spinning .. I am so so sorry and send you a big, comforting hug.

(I have a little something for you over on my blog)

Miss K said...

It's a situation where everyone suffers, which makes it even sadder. I am really sorry.

Huckdoll said...

I know what it's like to wonder about why people do the things they do, act the way they act, etc. Empathy is so important and when we can't find it, it becomes very confusing and hard on the spirit. I'm sure you'll be able to find acceptance and peace eventually - it might just take a long time to get to the point where you even consider it. My thoughts are with you. xo

 
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