Waiting

When I quit my job back in June it briefly crossed my mind that come September there was a very good chance I wouldn't have to prepare for anything.  I wouldn't be worried about lesson plans or a syllabus or seating charts.  I wouldn't have to think about cleaning my room or organizing all of the beginning of the year bullshit paperwork.  I wouldn't have to do any of that on top of making sure my kids were transitioning into their new school well.

I felt melancholy back in June.  There was a slight sadness that made me take pause and wonder if maybe quitting wasn't the right thing.  That pause was very very brief considering the different events and occurrences that came with the end of the year.

This morning all of my former co-workers began their 2012-2013 orientation.  Tomorrow they start seeing students.  This morning I slept until 8:45 while my husband took care of the kids.  Then I woke up, made a phone call to my local board of ed transportation department and got my kids' bus stop changed to- wait for it- OUR DRIVEWAY. Then I ran to Home Depot because, really, what's a Monday if it doesn't start at Home Depot.  Then I got in 30 minutes on the "new" treadmill in my basement.  And now I'm sitting here, while the twins nap, the older two take these last few days of summer to attempt to finish off one another, and I drink my coffee and there is very little, no there is NO melancholy to be seen.

I'm fairly certain I got more accomplished between 8:45 and 11:45 this morning than I would have in this first week of school, anyway.

While I am uncertain of the future and I am worried about paying bills and making ends meet and finding a job that will give me a nice paycheck along with advancement, I am no longer uncertain about my choice to have picked up and left my teaching career.

I miss my students. I miss less than a handful of co-workers.  But I do not, in any way shape or form, miss my job or my former place of employment.

I have had a few people, since quitting, tell me that they admire my bravery or my choice. They could never walk away from their jobs into the unknown.  I don't think I'm brave.  Actually, I think I'm a little bit stupid at times for having walked away from a steady paycheck in a crap economy.  But I'm beginning to get what they mean.  I'm beginning to see that my walking away wasn't about my job or my co-workers.  It wasn't about being fed up with getting paid crap wages for and excessive amount of work.

My quitting was all about me and what I needed in order to feel good about myself and get back to who I know I can be as a woman, a mom, a wife, a friend and a professional.

For the first time in a pretty long time I don't feel sad about what's ahead.  I'm pretty scared because that's how the unknown works sometimes, but I don't have that feeling of melancholy mixed with, "Holy shit I quit my job and I have no idea what's next!"

I just have this feeling of waiting anxiously and excitedly for what's next. That feeling just before you get on the roller coaster and you know it's going to be an incredible ride but you're nervous because what if you get stuck upside down or your safety harness fails.

And I also have a feeling of pure and utter relief at not having to prepare lesson plans.