Thursday, February 23, 2012

Ch-Ch-Changes Are Hard

There are some days where I could literally take my two hands and wrap them around my husband's neck because he drives me so insane that I don't even want to be around him anymore.  And yes, I'm aware that I could simply leave the room or the house or the state instead of attempting to strangle him but then he'd get squatters' rights to the house and we can't have that happening.

Other days, the man keeps me so grounded and in check that I have to do a double take and see if it's still him that I'm married to.

We moved into our new home this past weekend and let me tell you, it's a shitshow over there.  I write about that more on my other blog, but let me quickly lay it out for you....we're sleeping, sort of eating, showering, and watching TV in our new house.  I don't consider us really living there yet because we're still making it home.  If that makes sense.

We have been wanting, anticipating, hoping for this move for quite some time but that didn't change the fact that come Monday night when all was said and done and the majority of our crap- which is A LOT OF CRAP- was moved into our spacious new basement I felt a sense of sadness and anxiety.  And my kids saw it, and my parents saw it and my husband saw it and I tried really hard to contain it.  But truth be told, change- even when hoped for, wanted, anticipated and instigated on your own- is really freaking hard.

There wasn't much to leave at our old home.  Yes, we left our house which was brand new when we bought it.  Yes, we left our neighborhood which was a dead end street where our kids could run without too much fear of cars.  Yes, I left one of my very best friends who lived right across the street.  But other than that, there was nothing there for us. 

We took our memories with us.

We came to a neighborhood where our new neighbors greeted us with a box full of goodies for us and our kids on our second night there.

My friendship didn't end simply because I don't live across the street from my friend anymore.

But the sadness and anxiety I felt, and still feel a bit, was more about the change from the familiar to the unknown.  It's scary to change.  To move.  To walk away from what you know to something totally different.  And to walk into a home that is not new and needs work and sweat.  And then to have your son tell you that the house feels weird and doesn't feel like home.  Well, it really makes you question your choices.

And then you cry.  And then your husband steps up and makes you realize why you married him and put up with his maddening and annoying ways.

He reminded me that our brand new house wasn't all that great in the brand new and building department.  Sure, we got to pick our countertops and no one had ever lived there before but the house was poorly built.  And we lived in a development where there was nothing for our kids or for us.  Now we live 6 houses from the beach/lake and 5 minutes from my job. He also reminded me that my friend works only 10 minutes from us and has solidified her place in our lives as the Godmother to one of our children.  There were so many positives that he pointed out that I was not recognizing because I was allowing my anxiety and fear and sadness to overwhelm me.  And then he gave me the greatest gift of all, after our kids, etc., he told me that my color choices and decorating ideas were so much better than he realized and that he was giving me free reign over the entire house.

And then the tears of happiness flowed.

Well, not really.  But that was only because he asked me to stop crying because it made him sad and he didn't like seeing me sad and then he told me that I could go sleep at the old house if I wanted.  But I had to lug the bed there.

So, we've moved and I've been reminded, one again, how lucky I am to have the husband and family that I have.  And each day, I'm looking at things from a more positive light and seeing more and more that helps to reassure me that our choices and our change are good good things.  Even though they are hard.

The very best things come out of the hardest circumstances.

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