Cleaning out

Randoms because it's all my brain can handle right now.

* I don't understand why people will, essentially, stalk my blog(s) but refuse to have conversations with me.
* I ordered a pair of Nine West shoes that just arrived the other day.  They are amazing and I was so excited to wear them with the hot pink dress I had ordered for my husband's Christmas party.  The dress doesn't fit and I can't push myself with exercise for the next two weeks, so now I don't know what I'm wearing to the party. 
Yoga pants and the Nine West sparkle shoes.
* I've learned to ignore people in public places when they say, "Oh, look, Twins!" and then wait for me to stop and reply.  My children are not for your viewing pleasure.
* EVERYWHERE needs to have drive-thrus! I drove 20 minutes out of my way today just to mail out the girls' birth announcements because I knew of one post office that had a drive up mailbox.
* I'm going house hunting tomorrow, again.  I would say that I have been in AT LEAST 50 homes looking for the "right" one.
* If we don't find a house soon I'm not sure my sanity will survive.
* I finally chose a therapist and called today at 10am.  Had to leave a message.  Still haven't heard back.  Not helping.
* I'm actually looking forward to the prospect of possibly being able to stay home at the end of this school year.
* I have done our laundry and dishes more times in the past 4 weeks than I have in the past 4 years.
* I'm not nearly as excited about Christmas this year as I have been in the past and the thought of decorating in any way, shape, or form has no appeal to me.
* I'm taking all 4 kids to the beach on Saturday to, hopefully, take our Christmas card photos.  I would rather just sit on the beach and stare at the water for awhile.
* I'm really pissed that my new dress doesn't fit.  It means I'm "bigger" than I thought I was.  Not helping.
* Neither of the girls has smiled yet and it's frustrating to see people who had babies at the same time as me posting their babies smiling.
* Learning to deal with the fact that because the girls are preemies means that they may do things at a slower pace has actually been harder than caring for them.
* I'm back on Weight Watchers.  Take that for what you will.
* I got on an elliptical machine for 20 minutes the other day and it felt really good.  I plan to increase my time when I get back on tomorrow.
* I worry that I won't be able to coach come Spring and how that will actually affect my mental state- with or without therapy.
* I really want to start packing up our house now even though we have no prospects to move in to.
* My husband just put on Beavis and Butthead and I actually want to rip my own ears off.
* My car is a disaster and it annoys the crap out of me every time I get into it.  I hate driving it now because it's so messy.
* I think bringing home the twins has forced me to be more organized and neater.  This is frustrating for me because I think bringing the girls home has actually forced my husband to become more disorganized and messy.
* Sometimes I think that I want to rent a dumpster for a week and use it to just clean out the whole house.  I feel like the fact that our dumpster is all the way down the street is a huge hindrance to me actually cleaning out.
* Clearly, I needed to clean out my mind tonight and that's where this is all coming from.

Say What?!

Maybe it's the way I was raised or that maybe I'm not nearly as nosy as my husband and family seem to think I am but I don't go up to complete strangers and inquire on their reproductive tendencies or the status of their bodily functions.

I have found, since giving birth to our twin girls, that not only is having two at once completely different at home than having just one but when you go out it's like you're a walking circus attraction.

"Come one, come all!  Look, the woman pushing the mack truck stroller has two infants at once! You won't want to miss this and don't forget to ask every inappropriate question possible of this stranger!!"

Seriously, people out there have some balls.  And they like to stare, too!

I've had some interesting questions over the past few weeks.  I've been venturing out little by little because my sanity needs it and I need to actually make sure that my kids have food and I do have errands to run.  The most common question, and definitely NOT inappropriate, is "Are they twins?"  I try not to give back a snarky response because maybe people don't realize that the two, almost equally sized, infants in my mack truck were born at the same time.  Or maybe they think I'm the hot young nanny of two families and these are just my two totally unrelated charges.

or not.

I also get other innocent questions like, "are they both girls?" or "are they identical?" or "what are their names?"  All things that I got in singleton form when my son and daughter were born.  Things I don't mind answering because I know that people love babies and, you know what, my babies are pretty dang cute!

But, for every innocent question there are two or three completely inappropriate questions.  And when I say inappropriate, I mean inappropriate for total strangers to ask me while standing in the middle of Target.  Not inappropriate for friends or family to ask in the right context- like they ask me if it's ok to ask me some personal questions.

Yesterday took the cake in terms of inappropriate questions and luckily I had friends with me to witness this.  People close to me can't believe what strangers say to me and I think they can't believe it because they would never say those things to me and most of them are related to me!

So, I'm in a popular craft store with all four of my kids and two very good friends.  I'm standing off to the side with the mack truck stroller waiting for everyone to be ready to head up front and pay.  I'm keeping my head down, checking on the twins and keeping to myself- I've found that if I don't make eye contact people won't say anything to me.  All of a sudden this woman approaches me- she has three children (pre-teens) in tow and she also has on some of the most hideous teal/blue eyeliner and iridescent lipstick and of course she's chewing gum WITH HER MOUTH OPEN!  And here is how our conversation went-

"Oh, two at once...isn't it hard? I had two at once, I didn't think I'd make it. It was so hard. Did you do IVF?"

I am not shitting you. She jumped right into the pool with both feet and no clothes on, figuatively.

"Uh....no, no IVF."

"WOW! So you conceived them naturally?! Wow...so hard.  Well, good luck."

And that was it.  She walked away at that point.  And as she walked away and left my friends with their mouths hanging open I thought of what I should have said instead of "uh....no, no IVF".  I should have said, "Nope, no IVF, just one night of that really crazy wild sex that no one likes to talk about but only really special people get to have." and then I should have walked away.

I get it, I really do, people LOVE babies and when there are two it's even better.  And do not get me wrong, my children- ALL OF THEM- are miracles, our twins are especially unique because we did go through a loss before we had them.  But I don't think the fact that I have twins and that I've chosen to venture out of my home with them to be so incredible that it gives perfect strangers the right to inquire on mine and my husband's conception method or whether or not my boobs are leaking.

My children are not circus freaks and I would love to talk with you if you have something supportive or funny to say or if you own a bar and give out free beers to moms.  And if you want to ask me innocent things about my children, any of them, or tell me how awesome they are or how cute they are or how fabulous I look almost 6 weeks after delivery and with 40 extra pounds on....FEEL FREE. 

Other than that, please, think twice before you decide to say something because, really, your questions and comments, when inappropriate, are not wanted and rude and don't help my already shaky mental well being.  And you don't want to be the one I dump two very full bottles of smelly, gross, preemie formula on.

I KNOW it

They say that the hardest part is admitting you have a problem or that you need help.  That you can't get the help you need and heal until you say, "I need help. There is something wrong that needs to be fixed."

Not so for me.

I know I need to see a therapist.  My doctor has been saying since we found out we were having twins, "Make sure you find someone to talk to after the babies are born. You will need it."  My husband has said it.  My mother has said it.  And I have said it to myself.

I KNOW that I need help. 

I KNOW that I need to talk with someone.

I KNOW I'm having a hard time right now.

I can easily admit all of that.

The hardest part for me?  Actually making the phone call.

My insurance company has provided me with a list of therapists that take our plan.  There are women, men, close by ones, far away ones, ones who have evening hours, one who have daytime hours.  I have my pick of more than a dozen.  But for some reason, I cannot pick up the phone.

Part of it is trying to fit it into our schedule is hard.  I have two older children who have activities and school and go to a school that is more than 45 minutes away from where we live.  I have a husband who works long hours practically 7 days a week.  And I have two newborns that require a lot of care and attention.

And don't say it, I already KNOW it.

I need to take care of myself.  I need to take care of my mental well being.

I KNOW.

Part of it is also that even though my insurance company gave me in network providers I'm worried about cost.  What cost will come back to me?  We can't afford it right now.  We're trying to get rid of our house and move.  I'm trying to buy everything we need to eat with coupons.  And we're seriously considering me staying home full time next year.  And to top it off I decided to check out our pending insurance claims and found that just ONE of the girls' claims is over $93,000!  Hopefully it will be approved and covered but there are nights I lay awake thinking, "What if it's not? How in God's name will we ever pay off over $300,000 worth of medical bills?!?!"

I KNOW we'll manage no matter what and my well being is far more important than bills.

And really part of it is that there are days where I feel really good.  Like that feeling of anxiety and sadness and disconnect has passed.  Like I'm starting to see pieces of my old self and my "normal" self.  But just like that it could be gone.  And that's when I really know I need to call.

But for some reason I have not been able to make the phone call.  And I need to.

I KNOW it.

Oh, Didn't you Know?!

I keep telling myself I'm going to sit down and write each day.  I need to use this space like I did after my daughter was born because, along with an excellent therapist, this space helped me sort through a lot of my PPD issues.

And don't you know that having twins AND having had PPD in the past pretty much guarantees that you're going to develop PPD all over again!?

Oh, you didn't know that?

That's probably because you didn't have every single individual around you telling you that for the past 10 months.

I have.

So, yes, just to cover the bases and let you know what my t-shirt is going to say when it's printed here we go:
1. They are not identical
2. They are both girls
3. Yes, they were preemies
4. Yes my hands are full
5. No, they are not my first
6. Yup, 3rd and 4th.
7. Interestingly enough, and not that it's ANY of YOUR business but we are done having kids.
8. I am aware that it's very likely that I'll develop postpartum depression because I've had twins
9. No, I am not nursing but thanks for inquiring about the state of my breasts
10. Yes, I am tired but I've been tired for the past 7 years so, really, adding two babies to the mix didn't really upset the already overturned apple cart.
11.  And, no, you cannot hold them because I'm pretty sure you're hands are filthy because you probably don't wash after you pee.

All of that, of course, will go on the front.  I'm trying to figure out an image for the back....it's either going to be the famous Uncle Sam pose or maybe just the phrase, "Honk if you're horny" to throw people off.

So, yeah, I need to use this space more.  I need to write more.  I need to make an appointment for a therapist.  I need to go for a run.  I need to wash the hair dye from last night's home dye job off my forehead.  I need to find a house to live in that isn't so far out in east bumble that I want to cry everytime I go home.  I need to figure out how exactly we're going to afford 4 kids because right now, we're not.  I need to think about whether or not it really will make sense for me to stay home with my kids next year or if daycare is worth the expense.  I need to use my Groupon for my spa mani/pedi by this Friday or I'm out $45 bucks.  I need to find sweaters for ALL of my kids so that I can haul them down the shore for a day at the beach and to take our Christmas card photo.

There's a lot more I need to do.  And some of those things I want to do, too.  It's not all this big heaping mound of shit on my plate but right now it sometimes feels like it. 

And all I really want is for everything to be drive thru accessible so that I don't have to worry about how exactly I'm going to carry my nonfat latte out of Starbucks while holding two baby carriers.

Because, really, I have my hands full right now and I don't think I needed to print that on a t-shirt for everyone to know it.