Let's See If You're Really Here

There's nothing particularly important about this except I'm curious.

There's a rumor going around within my friends that some of them- who I have never mentioned this space to- have been reading it.

Yes, it's on Facebook that I write here.

Yes, I use Twitter occasionally.

Yes, I will talk openly in person about every subject covered on here.

But, I still find it weird, odd, off putting, when a friend says, "Uh, yeah I read your blog and I saw what you said about Lady Gaga." 

(I've never said anything about Lady Gaga, that I can remember.  Except I love her. I really only dislike Judas. The Edge of Glory might be one of my favorite songs right now and the fact that the Big Man is featured on it doesn't hurt!)

Sometimes I get thrown off because I worry that maybe I said something that offended them.  And then I remind myself that this is my space and while it is out in Internet Land for all to see I'm really not saying anything here that I don't believe and wouldn't say in person. 

Sometimes I'm weirded out because it's always the most random of my friends who mention the blog.  The ones who I'm convinced never look at their Facebook or who know how to operate a computer.

And sometimes it's just odd.  It just comes up a the strangest times like when you're driving through the Bronx searching for a way to get home from a Yankee game because your friend's stupid ass GPS doesn't recalcuate fast enough.  And you can't tell if they're really lying about seeing your blog because they like to do that to you because they think it's hysterical to see you squirm and "freak out" and they really enjoy imitating the high pitched voice you supposedly use when you get upset.

Just odd.

And I do not use a high pitched voice.  They're just a bad impersonator.  And wrong, a lot of time.

So, it appears that my blog is spreading into my real life and that's ok.  I mean, again, I'm not putting it up here if I don't believe it and if I wouldn't say it in person.

So, read away.  And if you are really reading maybe, just maybe, you'll realize how wrong you are so much of the time and how multi-faceted and how much of a "natural" I really am.  ;)

Just a Few Things

I realized this morning on my way into work that November will be here before I know it.  It's already the middle of June and the thought of two babies entering our lives within the next 4 months is somewhat scary.

And the comments from some people who know or find out we're having twins have not been helpful.

First, a few things:
1.  I have every intention of returning to work after the babies are born.  I love my job.  My work is important in the grand scheme of things and it keeps me sane. 

2.  Yes, we do have help.  I have wonderful parents who have- even before finding out we were having twins- have pledged their help to us no matter what.  My father-in-law has been willing to help us at every turn, as well.  We are well taken care of and, shockingly, we have somewhat successfully raised two children up to this point so there is a chance we might be ok with two more.

3.  I am FULLY aware of how hard this is going to be.  I don't know exactly what it's going to be like but I'm not expecting to bring my babies home on a cloud in a golden chariot.  I'm giving birth to two of them at once and that, in and of itself, scares the shit out of me. 

4.  I have already given up basketball for at least the next season but I have every intention of coaching softball.  I work with an individual who is not just another coach but he is a very good friend and he loves my kids, to boot.  He is an understanding individual who wants to make sure that we have a winning combination to create a winning team and if that means my kids are practice once in awhile, he is ok with that.  Plus, I work with a group of girls who ADORE my children.

5.  While I may not be GREAT at math I do understand the basic principles of addition and I am fully aware that 2 existing children + 2 soon to be born children = 4 children.  Yes, I will have 4 children.  Yes, we are instantaneously doubling our children.  Yes, I am aware that I am one child away from making the starting 5 of a co-ed basketball team.  Rumor has it that people have had more than 2 or 3 kids before....hell, my grandmother had 11 at one point AND was taking in foster children.

6.  While I may chuckle about the fact that God's plan never really goes the way you think it's going to, I don't need you to laugh heartily in my face about it.  I'm scared for a variety of reasons but more than ever I have put my faith in God and I know that he would not give me more than I can handle nor would He abandon me and my family during this time of joy, excitement and sometimes fear.

So, now, when you and I talk about my pregnancy or me having twins could you maybe, just maybe, remember that I'm not some freak of nature and this isn't some cruel joke.  There is a grander plan for me and maybe even for you...who knows?! 

November is going to be here before we know it and I'd really like it if maybe I could rely on you for some help and support and hopefully a hospital visit because it gets REALLY lonely in there!

For The Love of the Team

Sports have always been an integral part of my life.  Always.

I played basketball from the time I was 7 until, well, I've never stopped recreationally. 

I played softball all through grade school and college.

And in the middle came numerous other sports- Rowing, Rugby, Field Hockey, Soccer, Baseball, Golf, and the list continues.

I am an athlete and I use that term with confidence.  I push myself for the love of the sport and for the betterment of me as a person and as a competitor. 

And for my team.

I began coaching when I was in high school.  I coached girls' 7th and 8th grade girls basketball with ease and fun.  And while I didn't fully pursue coaching beyond the walls of my high school until I was teaching, I knew it was something that I wanted within my future.

I helped coach softball at the last school where I taught but with walking away from the school I also walked away from the team.

For the past three of the four years I've been teaching at my current school, I've been coaching.  And to say that I've been enjoying myself- even in times of greatest trials- is an understatement.  To be able to watch young women learn and excel at a sport that they love is an incredible feeling and to know that you are a small part of that is ever better.

Yesterday I was given an awesome opportunity to watch as a team of young women, whom I've known for the entire time I've been teaching at my current school, defied odds, challenged critics and worked together as a cohesive and supportive team.  They worked their way to a sectional state title in softball and yesterday they went to take the all over state title.

They didn't take the title but they walked off that field with their heads held high and smiling, some through tears.  It was a day that ended something that seems to become more special each year, at least for me. 

As a player I never found it that difficult to end a season.  Many of my seasons ended on high notes which may have made it easier, but they also ended with the knowledge that next year would be here before we knew it and the teammates that were with me would be returning. 

As a coach I find it far more difficult to say goodbye to a season because so often the players leaving are leaving for good.  They are heading to college.  They are moving forward into new frontiers that I distinctly remember myself moving into.  They are growing up and moving into the next chapter which can only be better than the one before.

And that is, often, sad.  Especially when the players are people that you not only enjoy watching on the field but they are individuals whom you enjoy interacting with off the field, as well.

Looking ahead, for me, has been difficult.  I have already made the decision to walk away from coaching basketball next season.  I had to.  The fact that my due date is 4 days before the opening of the season necessitates my taking a break from the program.  My hope is that I can get back to the sport in the following season but I'm not sure that will happen.

Looking to next Spring has been even harder because of the uncertainties of what the next year will bring.  I can only hope to be this sad next year at this time because I have had the honor of being with a team who has worked just as hard and come just as far as this year's team.  But I fear the expectations and the changes ahead.

I take each day as it comes and right now I'm steeped in the moment of melancholy and pride that yesterday brought.  What tomorrow will bring is completely unknown and while that is frightening it also exciting because just like every new inning brings with it a new chance to put the bat on the ball or play defense against a batting team, tomorrow brings with it possibilities of building up the team and remembering the love of the sport and the love of the team.

And as an athlete, sometimes that's all that is needed.

The Return

It's been awhile.

Now that Summer is just about here I have a feeling I'll be on here a bit more. 

A good amount has happened in the time since I've been gone.

To sum it all up, we are currently expecting twins in November-ish, I have already been on bed rest once for heart issues, our house is going on the market this weekend, I've decided to keep the kids home with me all Summer, and the softball team that I am the assistant coach of has made it to the state finals and we have our game tomorrow.

All exciting and stress inducing things.  And all things that have been weighing on my mind, my heart and my hips HEAVILY.

As of late, I've been either allowing my hormones to the get the best of me or I'm really starting to feel the reality of the changes we're experiencing and anticipating or maybe, just maybe, it's BOTH!

The past few days have been especially hard for me because I'm starting to feel as if I'm allowing other people's expectations of me and my life to get the best of me.  The overwhelming sense that the way I see things unfolding is not only NOT going to happen but if it does, it's totally wrong.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have learned my lesson with regards to making plans.  God laughs and it goes in a totally opposite direction from where I expected.  It almost always turns out in a positive way!  But I've started to play my cards very close to my chest because I'm beginning to feel like people have an idea of what I should or should not be doing or how I should or should not be getting ready and really, it's none of their business.

I have expectations of myself and these next few months and my family and whether or not they are met is yet to be seen.  But that's no one's issue except mine, and really it's no one's business except mine.