GRUMPY

Have you read Him??

He's hysterical and I'm fairly certain he's a doctor I must have seen at some point in time!!

What If We Just Left It Alone?

It starts with a few unreturned phone calls.

Maybe some ignored texts.

Then the cancellations.

Outings with others, people left out.  Ignored.

The obligatory brief emails.  Updates on crap that doesn't even matter.  The big stuff was missed.

Random chats.  Occasional facebook posts.

The meaning is gone.

It becomes forced.  Pushed.  There is nothing to talk about.

Nothing to say.

Where once there was laughter and endless chats. 

There is nothing.

But was there ever really anything?  Was it real?  Was is EVER there?

Sure.  There was something.  But it just wasn't meant to be.  And it's sad and okay all at once.

And it's not because the ending wasn't natural.  But it happened, and it's done.

And we continue to force and push because we think we're supposed to.

But what if we just left it alone?

What would happen then?

All Clear

I just realized that I never gave anyone on here an update.

I'm sorry.

Everything came out all clear.  Best Christmas present, EVER!

I'm now on a yearly schedule for screening and I am in the clear until next December!

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and thoughts and prayers.  I am truly blessed and grateful for all of you!!

Here's to a Wonderfully Happy and Healthy New Year 2010!!

Yes, Virginia From Mommy's Martini

I love this.

Go check out Mommy's Martini.

And I still believe.

Lightening Up

Yesterday was a terrible no good very bad day for me for no other reason except that I let myself get so down and sad that I couldn't pull myself out.

It started in the morning, some song- wish I could remember which one, came on the radio on my way into work.  And then my mind wandered.  And then the tears.  And then the downward slump.

And that's where I stayed for a lot of the day.

I left work to get some stuff to get ready for my best friend's birthday.  She turned 40 today.  I wanted to get her gift and some gag stuff and decorations.  I was still down.

I came back to work to get ready for basketball practice and a friend of mine, a teacher from my department, was staying late to help the seniors decorate for the hallway competition.

He and I sat on the floor of the school, watching his current students and my former students decorating for Christmas, and we just talked.  He was going to his wife's work dinner- she works with a bird sanctuary.  We joked about how awkward it would be to eat any type of bird at the dinner.  We laughed and really talked about nothing in particular.

And I walked away significantly lighter.

Last night, I had a conversation with another co-worker/friend with whom I've been struggling and it was normal and fun.  I walked away even lighter.

I stopped to get more decorations for my friend's birthday.  I thought of how wonderful she has been.  I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am to have a friend like her.  She has been incredible and I am extremely blessed.  I realized how lucky I am as I walked through the dollar store.  And I headed home feeling that much better.

I got home and my husband listened as I described my sad day that was only sad because I allowed it to be.  And he just listened.  He didn't offer me a solution.  He didn't say it was going to be ok.  He. Just. Listened.

And I was relieved.

This morning I came into work and there was a six pack of Guinness on the floor of my room with the kindest card. 

And, again, I came to see how lucky I am.  I am surrounded by the most incredible people.  I am supported by the most wonderful friends and family.

I am lucky.

I have no idea what Tuesday will bring.

I don't want to hear that it's going to be ok because no one really knows that.  I don't know what lies ahead of me after my tests on Tuesday but I know, more than I know anything else, that I will have the most incredible support system regardless of what the outcome of all of this is.

And for that I am lighter and happier.

One Day At A Time: The Non-Mackenzie Philips Version

So, the mammogram happened.  And it was fast.  And painful.  Really uncomfortable.

And then the waiting began.  And when it went on I thought there was little reason to worry.

No news = Good news.  Or that's what they say.

No news = Slow radiologist and double checking and checking over and a weekend.

No news = a phone call on Monday morning.  "You need come back.  The films showed something. The radiologist wants more.  45 minutes of tests. You'll leave with results."

Breathe in and then breathe out.

One day at time is how it's been.  A very slow one day at a time.

Tuesday.  It was their first available.  I begged.  I pleaded.  I played the age card.   There. Was. Nothing.

And now I wait.

One.
Day.
At.
A.
Time.

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This Has been Cross Posted At My New Blog: The Dirty Thirty Tridea
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We've touched on the fact that I'm a weight loser.  Since last January I've lost close to 40 pounds.  I've put a few back on but I'm looking to lose about 20 more and then maintain.  I'd be happy then.

Or would I?

I have a terrible body image.  Seriously.  And I'm not saying this so you all- you know the 3 of you who read this besides me- will comment and tell me what a fabulous body I have.  Believe me, I am very proud of how far I've come since starting my weight loss and exercise journey.  But that doesn't mean I am happy with how I look.

I love that I've dropped close to 3 or 4 sizes- although the cost of new clothes has been difficult to wrap my head around.

I enjoy that I tend to have more energy than before- although that does mean that my kids take advantage of it and make me run all over the place after them.  (I secretly enjoy that even though I pretend I don't.)

It makes me happy that I feel like I can hold my head up a bit higher than before because my confidence is greater- although it is starting to make my neck and back hurt, standing up straight all the time.

All of that being said, I still have this image of myself as this terrible fat person.  I still look at pictures of myself and think I look terribly fat and out of proportion.  I look in store windows and mirrors and sometimes just can't stand how I look.

And really, that bothers me.

At my heaviest (non-pregnant) I was well into the 200s.  Now, I'm really not even near that- the 200s, that is.  And what's funny is that even at that weight I thought I looked ok.  I look back now and there are times when I did look ok but I can see myself behind the weight.  I can see the person I'm in the process of becoming behind the too fat face and the extra wide hips and the super jiggly arms- which I still have, DAMMIT!

I wasn't lacking self-confidence, I was just viewing myself as an image that was probably better than what it truly was.  Now, I can't escape the physical images I have of myself from then.  I still see the super heavy me when I walk down the street.  I can't stop viewing myself as obese and gross.  I cannot let go of my fat image and I cannot figure out why.

Don't misunderstand what I'm saying here- I am confident in who I am as a person.  This is not a crisis of personality or character.  I know who I am as an individual and I am proud of everything I've accomplished and done- weight loss and non-weight loss related.  I love myself for the most part.  I just don't always love the way I look.

I feel like I have more "fat" days than skinny days.  I constantly feel like I weigh 300 pounds- even though I've never come close to that.  I constantly feel like my clothes don't look good on me and I'm readjusting myself and what I'm wearing.  It's daily that I wake up and change my clothes- especially my shirts- 9 times because I never think they look ok.  I still hate my thighs and forget about my hips- I've considered taking a vacuum to them and performing my own liposuction.

Is my poor self-image so bad that it limits what I do and who I see?  No, it's not.  This summer I wore a bikini for the first time since I was 6 but truthfully, I was completely uncomfortable in it.  My chest was too small, my stomach not firm enough and my thighs too jiggly.  But no one noticed that except me.

I am too critical of myself and I need to stop that.

When I set out on this journey I wanted to be healthy and I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin.  It's funny, in a lot of ways I feel like I've become more uncomfortable as I've lost weight.  I've become more self-conscious as my body has taken on a more shapely form rather than the blob like form I felt I had before.  I'm now at the point where I need to let go of the self-conscious and move more towards the self-accepting but actually doing that is much harder than saying it.


I don't worry about what other people think.  But I worry too much about what I think and my thinking appears to be wrong.


I have a terrible body image and I'm not looking for a miracle to occur by completing this Triathlon but I am hoping that the journey I'm on will create in me an image that I can accept as real and true.  I'm hoping that I can finally shed the pounds of fat that are really no longer on my body but are clearly occupying my mind.

Distractions

I'm not one to get easily distracted.  As a matter of fact, when I have something in my head it's often very hard for me to let go of it or forget about it.

I have been trying very hard since just before Thanksgiving to keep myself distracted. 

I had been having some minor health problems and went, the day before turkey day, to have them checked out.  I ended up having to get blood work done and start some new medication. 

And make an appointment for another mammogram.

This will be my second.  I'm not yet 30 and I'm fully aware that that shouldn't matter.

At any rate, I called and made my appointment- January 8th.

Wow, that's a lot of time to keep myself occupied and distracted.  Christmas should be fun with that in the back of my brain.

Since finding out that I need another mammogram not a day has gone by where I have not thought about it and what it might bring with it.

*And before you chime in and tell me not to jump to conclusions, don't bother.  They're my boobs and I need to be prepared for whatever may or may not come down the pike.*

Yesterday was the first day where it was not at the forefront of my mind.  We had a small Christmas tree trimming gathering and I spent the day with family and friends.  And I didn't think about my boobs and what may come until this morning as I drove into work.

Yesterday was a wonderful distraction.  Yesterday was comfortable and easy and a reminder of everything I have to be thankful for and what I am blessed with.  Yesterday was just what I needed just when I needed it.

That's why, today, I made another phone call. 

I cannot keep distracting myself- not until January 8th.  And it just seemed too long to wait for something that is fairly serious.

Apparently, it was all a misunderstanding.  I was given an appointment for a routine mammogram.  I should have been given an appointment for an emergency mammogram given my symptoms.

Tomorrow morning I get to get squeezed before work.  No more waiting.  No more distractions.

Because, really, I'm not easily distracted at all.

Putting the Christ in Christmas

Don't worry this isn't the post where I spew my Catholic views on Christ and Christmas. 

Well, not totally.

This is my very favorite time of year.  I adore the holidays and it has little to nothing to do with gifts or parties or anything like that.

This is a time of giving and compassion.  This is a time of peace and family.  This is a time of tradition and I am steeped in it.

Sadly, it is also a time of consumerism and greed.  It is a time that rushes by because we do not stop to appreciate those things with which we have been blessed.

One of my favorite things to do is to set up our Nativity set.  It was my favorite thing as a child, too.  I used to play with the figurines and I was so excited on Christmas morning to see that Baby Jesus had been "born" into his spot between Mary and Joseph. 

This year I find that people are putting out Christmas lights earlier and putting up trees before December 1st.  And I cannot tell a lie....I love it.

But in the rush to get everything up and decorated I find that we are forgetting the true spirit of the season.

I understand if you participate in the holiday for purely secular reasons.  I don't agree with it but it's your choice. 

One of my biggest pet peeves about this time of year, or really any time of year when this gets used, if when people decide to use Xmas instead of Christmas.

Is it really that difficult to write out or type out those few extra letters?

I have been seeing this in blog posts.  I have seen this on assignments my students are doing.  I have even seen this on CHRISTMAS cards. 

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!

You can write out more than a handful of cards to random people that you barely know and never see but you can't write out the word Christ?!?!  Really?!?!  Are you opposed to it?  Do you not believe in Christ?

Well, then maybe this holiday isn't for you.

Do we get that without Christ there is no Christmas? 

Do we understand that Christmas is a celebration of CHRIST'S birth?

Do we get that at this time of year we need to slow down and reflect on those things and people and gifts (not material) that make our lives wonderful?

Is it really too much to write out Christ?!?!  I mean really, come on!

Fine, be opposed to the Church.  Hate the Catholic religion all you want- I don't agree with you but I will NOT force my belief system on to you.

But you know what?  Christmas is NOT a Catholic holiday.  It's a CHRISTian one. 

I just don't understand how we cannot take the extra 3 second to write or type or text out the word Christmas instead of Xmas.

Maybe, just maybe, this holiday is not for you if you can't make that change. 

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm crazy and spewing my religious venom all over the place.