Pain and...

I won my lawsuit from my car accident. I won a settlement for the damage done to my car, my family, my children.

All of it.

None of the money I won will give me back the months that I lost.

None of that money will give me back the hours spent in an ambulance and a hospital. Surgery and physical therapy. Painkillers. Crying. Days out of work. Pain to lift a container of milk.

None of it will take away the images or the memories.

None of it will give me back the moments that I lose every single time I drive that curve and see that car coming at us.

None of it will give me back the months I lost holding my baby daughter, comforting her, cradling her, rocking her.

The money was rewarded for many reasons, one of which was pain and suffering. The amount we received, I don't believe, equals the pain and suffering we actually endured at the hand of the other driver.

I rarely complain about my shoulder. I rarely talk about the ache that I feel when I carry one of my kids for too long on that side or on my shoulders.

I rarely complain about the pain that I feel when I put my purse or my briefcase on that side of my body.

I almost never talk about the pressure and pain that I have when it rains or snows or is humid and the weather changes so drastically that I have to pop 3 or 4 Motrin to help me deal.

The pain is real and I hate to think about it.

*****

So, I've lost 35 plus pounds. I love that I've been so determined and driven to be able to do this. I love that I am in the best shape of my life. I love that I've wearing and shopping for clothes that I would never have dreamed of wearing before. I am just happy.

But I am in pain.

There is one pain that I will not discuss.

Until now.

My knees.

Leave if you want.

My knees are my weakness.

They are shot. Years of sports took care of that. Years of being overweight sealed the deal.

I had my worst knee reconstructed when I was 20. It was horrendous. Close to a year of physical therapy. Horrendous pain. Worrying about whether I'd walk again, let alone play sports. Horrible depression.

And the pain has returned. In both knees.

When I had my first done my ortho made it clear that once I was done having kids I needed to have both knees replaced.

REPLACED. I am not 75 years old.

I vowed never to return to him unless ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. (I love him. He is an AMAZING physician.)

Tomorrow, I am calling him.

It hurts when I stand.

It hurts when I sit.

It just plain hurts.

And I am completely fearful of what he is going to tell me.

I would relive my car accident.

I would tackle severe PPD all over again.

I would do just about anything to not have to worry about what he is going to tell me.

I love running

I love exercising.

I love being an athlete again.

He doesn't take those things away without good reason.

I am fairly certain my knees will present him with good reason.

I'm not done having children.

I'm not done running or shredding or doing jumping jacks.

I am just so afraid of the replacement.

I am just so afraid of what comes next.

But the pain.

The pain is just too much and for me to admit that lets me know that something is really wrong.

So, tomorrow I make my appointment. Then I go on vacation and I run.

I run on the streets.

I run on the sand.

I ignore the pain. I pop the pills. I pretend it's not there.

Nothing can make up for what could be lost if he says what I have a feeling he will say.

But I can no longer ignore the pain.

I'm facing it and dealing with it and I'm not even close to ready.