Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Answering the Why

I've been thinking about my self-imposed, unannounced blogging hiatus that recently came to an end. And I was thinking about why I stopped writing.

What stopped me from coming here to put my thoughts down?

Why?

Yes, I have been busy.

Yes, I have had internet.

Yes, I have thought about blogging and even had partial posts written in my head.

I just wasn't motivated. There was no burning need for me to expel my feelings and thoughts from my brain and heart and share them.

I have nothing to hide. I really don't. I am an open book, for the most part, and I don't mind sharing things that make me look weak or show my failures because those things are just as important as the things that make me strong and capable.

I started this place for so many reasons. I needed an outlet. I needed a community. I was hurting and feeling lonely. I was sad. I needed someone to listen and I needed that someone to be unbiased.

I used this place to share stories and thoughts and memories. I poured my heart and soul out through my keyboard and on to your screen. I used this place in ways that I had originally intended and in ways that I never even considered. Sometimes I felt bad about what I shared. Sometimes I felt I had written the most amazing piece of writing ever. Sometimes I felt like I wrote shit. I used this as an outlet, a therapy session, a weapon, a diary and so much more.

I changed. From the moment I began to write until even now I have changed and continue to do so. So much of what I wrote came from moments of sadness and loneliness and the words on the screen helped me to conquer those times. Both my words and yours.

Everything has changed. I'm not always teddy bears and rainbows but I am in a place that is so much better than before. Sadness does not overwhelm my days and nights. I am not constantly looking for approval and acceptance. I have a reached a place where I am more happy than sad, more calm than angry, more content than restless.

And I find that I do not need to write as much.

Except that I do.

I lay in bed at night think of endless things that have happened during my day and my week. Things that I want to share because they are funny and meaningful and common and I know that others will respond. And even if they don't respond, I still want to share.

I stepped back from the keyboard, from the words, from the community and I found that I was ok. Better than ok. I found that I no longer needed this place.

And then I found that I wanted it. And it has become important again.

It was never unimportant.

It just was. It just existed in silence without me for a bit.

My hiatus is over. It has been for a bit, now.

Some days the words will be full of teddy bears and rainbows.

Some days the words will still be heavy with sadness and loneliness because it still exists, it just doesn't only exist.

Some days will be filled with humor and common experiences.

And some days will be filled with nothing.

Each and everyday is important.

Each and every word is important.

Both mine and yours.

Each and everyday answers the why questions I have and will continue to have.

6 comments:

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Glad your back - I left for a bit too for a few reasons but a sibling not liking what I said about our mom made me pause - then I wondered if the whole thing wasn't a little self indulgent and whiny. It really made me question all of it. Then I came back round to why i do it - i have an amazing adoption/reunion story and i like to write which I just discovered. So I will and if someone doesn't like it - they don't have to read it. Write On, my friend!

Maggie, Dammit said...

Breaks make me want. Without them I would appreciate nothing. It's an exquisite cycle. I'm glad you're feeling right.

flutter said...

I am glad you're here

sweetsalty kate said...

"I stepped back from the keyboard, from the words, from the community and I found that I was ok. Better than ok. I found that I no longer needed this place."

I wonder about how that might feel... and the word that springs to mind is

revival.
xo

slouching mom said...

I think I need to take a similar break. It sounds rejuvenating. And you're right, even words that don't come from a place of sorrow are words worth sharing.

Caffeine Court said...

I think blogging is about fun and self expression. If you're not into it, it's great to take a little break. I'm glad you're back though!

 
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