Sunday, November 16, 2008

In Awe of it All

Do you ever just stop and say, "Wow, when did this all happen?"

I'm not talking about marriage, kids, mortgage, bills, work, etc.

I had that moment. Sometimes I still do have that moment but not nearly as big as the first time I had it.

I mean, one day you're just laying around or doing something simple, mundane, ordinary or maybe it's extraordinary, and you stop and realize that where you were days, weeks, months, a year ago is so completely different from where you are now that you are in awe of how you got there.

I'm not speaking of awe in the sense that you are amazed at your strength and skill. Or that you are fascinated by the fact that you are an incredible person and you've muddled through some crappy shit as well as some happy stuff, too.

I'm not speaking of the awe that comes with the first birthday of your child. That moment when you are transported back to the room and that second that they put your child into your arms for the first time. Not the type of awe where you cannot believe it went by so fast and your once precious infant is now becoming a little person. Not that type of awe.

I mean the awe where all of a sudden you are laying on your couch, cruising facebook, avoiding lesson plans when BAM it hits you- EVERYTHING is different from what it once was and you cannot for the life of you remember actively changing anything.

Seriously.

God, I was sad last year. I was miserable. I wanted change so badly. I wanted it to be instantaneous. I wanted it then or I didn't want it at all. I wanted all the crap to stop. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to stop hurting. I just wanted it change.

I was sitting at lunch with my kids and my parents yesterday and my mother put down her burger, looked at me and said, "You look so sad. What is the matter with you?"

I stopped. I thought for a brief moment. I felt like crap- sleeping has not been kind to me lately and I'm averaging like 3 to 4 hours a night, plus I was just coming off the stomach flu. I had a headache because my three year old is a true three year old and talks and sings incessantly- and it's wonderful- but loud. I was frustrated because my daughter, who would eat dirt on a spoon if I offered it to her, would not eat her hot dog because she wanted her brother's bagel. But I was not sad.

For maybe the first time in a long time I could wholeheartedly and confidently say I was not in the least bit sad. I told her so and just said I was tired and didn't feel well- the God's honest truth.

I am not sad.

Wow.

I've written about how lucky I am. And I am. I've written about how things are looking up. And they are. I've written about how things aren't always sunshine and roses and teddy bears. And they're not. All of that tonight, while laying on the couch, slammed me.

In a good way.

Sometimes the path we take to get to where we are sucks such big donkey balls (yeah, I said it) that we cannot see where we are going because we're so focused on the crap right in front of us.

I could not see where I was going until I got there. Or at least until I stopped for a moment.

I spent the day out at a football game today. A year ago, I would have found every excuse to get out of it to avoid having to be outgoing and social.

Last Friday night I went to friend's house to just hang out. A year ago, I would have canceled at the last minute to avoid having to make an effort at something that could hurt me.

This past Friday I told a really good friend of mine why a joke he pulled on me, while a little bit funny, actually hurt me quite a bit. A year ago, I would have bottled that and saved it for later.

I am not in awe of my changes. I am not in awe of how things have come out. I am not in awe of any type of strength. I am in awe of the fact that I've stopped and now I see where I am.

I am in awe of that fact everything is so completely different and maybe not so completely right but so different.

I am just in awe of it all.

10 comments:

sweetsalty kate said...

How absolutely lovely... I need to read this several times. Just adored this.

Maggie, Dammit said...

Sometimes it really is about sweet father time, you know? It's the only way to really judge how far all those baby steps have gotten us. I'm so happy for where you are, now.

meredithwinn said...

awe is humbling and empowering. finding yourself awake (even after no sleep) is a remarkable gift. i'm so glad for you. for those baby steps you never knew you were taking. and for where it landed you.

womaninawindow said...

This is a new perspective I've never considered. Maybe just a little way back in my mind, the part that doesn't have words. But wholly shit, you said it, and you got it so right. I'm with sweetsalty kate, reading again.

slouching mom said...

oh, i am so glad. just really glad. it's life-altering not to be sad.

flutter said...

This is so so wonderful! I am just bathing in the beauty

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Love this post.

the MomBabe said...

Aww!

Kimmylyn said...

What a great post..It is funny how while time appears to go so slow while your in it..that once your out of it you cannot believe how much time has past.. (If that makes any sense at all..)

big hugs to you my friend!!

crazymumma said...

I want to feel that awe. I want to learn to stop and take stock and feel okay with everything.

 
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