Monday, September 1, 2008

How Our Third Child Came to Be

I can't tell you exactly when it was.

I can't tell you exactly where it was.

I can't tell you exactly you what brought it on.

I can tell you exactly what I was wearing. Jeans and a hot pink polo. My hair was in a ponytail.

I was probably at a family party. I think it may have even been an in laws' party. It may have been after the party.

It was Summertime. I think. I can't really be sure.

The husband was there. I don't think we talked about this. The boy was walking at this point.

I don't know why I remember what I was wearing or what my hair looked like and not anything else that could be significant.

What I remember were the thoughts that I had before my second child came to be. Before she came into our lives unexpectedly.

What I remember crystal clear was thinking how nice it was that the husband and I were coming out of that baby stage with the boy. We had a great baby sitter which meant we had alone time and date nights and time as a couple. The boy was at an age where, at parties and gatherings, he could play with other kids a bit and we didn't have to be on top of him completely. We could trade off responsibility. There were no more middle of the night feedings, there hadn't been for months. We were off formula. It was like we were starting this whole new chapter of our life as a family. It was freeing, in a sense.

I knew that we wanted more kids. I was just beginning to think that maybe we didn't want them so soon. Maybe it would be ok if they were further apart than we had originally thought. My sister and I are close to 6.5 years apart and while I had a sibling, I also had the chance to be alone. It was a nice balance, most of the time.

I envisioned our son being 3 or 4 years old and running into a hospital room to meet his new baby sister or brother. I envisioned mornings dropping the boy at pre-school and his new infant sibling and I going to the supermarket and the park and mommy groups and gymboree. I envisioned the years before those mornings being all about the boy and our family of three.

I was young. I had plenty of time. I had no concerns of infertility or complicated pregnancies. And I really was not in the mood to relive the pregnancy I had with the boy any time soon.

We had no plans to have another baby any time soon. It just wasn't right, yet.

Less than 4 months later I took my 5th pregnancy in a week and it came back positive. Life had already begun to change.

No longer would my visions be of the boy being 3 or 4 and waltzing into the hospital room. It was more like 2.

No longer would it be a family of 3. It was at least 4 from now on.

No longer could we trade off or play a zone defense. It was now one on one or man to man with our kids.

Life was different and unexpected and scary and out of control.

I would share with you what I was wearing when that test came back positive but I don't know that I remember. I do know that I have no idea whether or not I washed my hair in the shower that morning.

Two years ago this week I was a month pregnant.

Now I am the mother of two kids and life is still different and unexpected and out of control.

Now I am quickly approaching 30 and the question of infertility is more than a real possibility.

Now I am looking forward to exiting another baby stage and getting rid of all and every diaper in my house, car and desk.

And yet the wonder still looms. Is two where we stop? Is my last pregnancy really the one I want to remember as my last? Am I really ok with never feeling a baby move inside me again? Am I really sure that I could never attempt natural childbirth again?

I don't know.

I know that right now another baby, another child, is not in the cards. At least not in the current hand we've been dealt. We may have to toss a few cards in the years to come and see what comes back. I'm hoping for a Royal Flush, but we'll see.

I wonder if a few years from now, if there is a positive pregnancy test, if I'll remember this night? If I'll remember what I'm wearing and what's on the TV or how I spent my day?

Part of me hopes that I will. The other part of me hopes that I am so excited by the prospect of bringing a new life to our family that it will overwhelm my memory with new memories that I can think of when I think of how our third child came to be.

And how it was just as wonderful and unexpected as when our second child came to be.

Well, maybe not THAT unexpected!!


LaskiGal said...

"And yet the wonder still looms. Is two where we stop? Is my last pregnancy really the one I want to remember as my last? Am I really ok with never feeling a baby move inside me again? Am I really sure that I could never attempt natural childbirth again?"

Me. Right now.

And I'm over 30. I had no idea that I could even have J (being told at a rather young age it just might not happen). And now. I can envision there being more than ONE.

My sis-in-law had her first at 41. A teacher friend is pregnant with her third at 38. A slew of celebrities are popping them out into their 40s.

I guess I say this because I need to hear it, but I also know that although fertility fears and the other risks that go along with having children later are very real, they should not be enough to make your rush a decision or give it up completely.

And I know you know this, but what matters most are those beautiful little faces that will forever be embedded in your mind . . . in your soul. Nothing, not even time, will ever wipe those away.

Leendaluu said...

I had my first child at thirty, my second at 33 and then the twins at 44 (though they were assisted)....I have friends now that are 35 and 37 that are currently pregnant (the old fashioned way)...'ve got lots of time... My twin pregnancy was by best and easiest...go figure

Kate said...

We decided we would start trying when Luke was a year old, but I'm not sure I am ready for that in 6 months. It's not an easy question.

JLG said...

OK so you made my heart skip a beat with the title of the one!!!

melissa said...

i remember when i got pregnant with baby 3...which was baby 1 with my hubby. i remember when i found out that i was indeed pregnant. i remember word for word the message i left for my hubby...who didn't answer his work phone. i remember everything!! and i'm glad i'm done...kind of. but, i'm going to be 40 in march.
but...i'll always remember!! always. actually...i remember almost everything about each pregnancy!!

LunaNik said...

Ok, I must be weird because I remember absolutely NO details about those first few moments when finding out I was preggers. Well, I remember saying "Oh shit" alot...does that count?

Alison said...

great post. I wanted a third child so bad until about 2 years ago and then the feelings slowly subsided. Now my children are 13 and 8 and I cannot imagine having another one. We have entered into another phase where our oldest can feels good.

Caffeine Court said...

Oh my goodness! You are so young! I had my first at 34 and my second at 38! I wish I were younger so I could have another..but I'm 43-so I'll have to settle for another dog.

ConverseMomma said...

The other night I had a dream that we adopted, I woke up in tears of joy. I say that we are done. I've told hubby that. But, I'm just not sure.

Sorry I've been MIA, started work, totally sucks!

Miss ya.

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