I can't tell you exactly when it was.
I can't tell you exactly where it was.
I can't tell you exactly you what brought it on.
I can tell you exactly what I was wearing. Jeans and a hot pink polo. My hair was in a ponytail.
I was probably at a family party. I think it may have even been an in laws' party. It may have been after the party.
It was Summertime. I think. I can't really be sure.
The husband was there. I don't think we talked about this. The boy was walking at this point.
I don't know why I remember what I was wearing or what my hair looked like and not anything else that could be significant.
What I remember were the thoughts that I had before my second child came to be. Before she came into our lives unexpectedly.
What I remember crystal clear was thinking how nice it was that the husband and I were coming out of that baby stage with the boy. We had a great baby sitter which meant we had alone time and date nights and time as a couple. The boy was at an age where, at parties and gatherings, he could play with other kids a bit and we didn't have to be on top of him completely. We could trade off responsibility. There were no more middle of the night feedings, there hadn't been for months. We were off formula. It was like we were starting this whole new chapter of our life as a family. It was freeing, in a sense.
I knew that we wanted more kids. I was just beginning to think that maybe we didn't want them so soon. Maybe it would be ok if they were further apart than we had originally thought. My sister and I are close to 6.5 years apart and while I had a sibling, I also had the chance to be alone. It was a nice balance, most of the time.
I envisioned our son being 3 or 4 years old and running into a hospital room to meet his new baby sister or brother. I envisioned mornings dropping the boy at pre-school and his new infant sibling and I going to the supermarket and the park and mommy groups and gymboree. I envisioned the years before those mornings being all about the boy and our family of three.
I was young. I had plenty of time. I had no concerns of infertility or complicated pregnancies. And I really was not in the mood to relive the pregnancy I had with the boy any time soon.
We had no plans to have another baby any time soon. It just wasn't right, yet.
Less than 4 months later I took my 5th pregnancy in a week and it came back positive. Life had already begun to change.
No longer would my visions be of the boy being 3 or 4 and waltzing into the hospital room. It was more like 2.
No longer would it be a family of 3. It was at least 4 from now on.
No longer could we trade off or play a zone defense. It was now one on one or man to man with our kids.
Life was different and unexpected and scary and out of control.
I would share with you what I was wearing when that test came back positive but I don't know that I remember. I do know that I have no idea whether or not I washed my hair in the shower that morning.
Two years ago this week I was a month pregnant.
Now I am the mother of two kids and life is still different and unexpected and out of control.
Now I am quickly approaching 30 and the question of infertility is more than a real possibility.
Now I am looking forward to exiting another baby stage and getting rid of all and every diaper in my house, car and desk.
And yet the wonder still looms. Is two where we stop? Is my last pregnancy really the one I want to remember as my last? Am I really ok with never feeling a baby move inside me again? Am I really sure that I could never attempt natural childbirth again?
I don't know.
I know that right now another baby, another child, is not in the cards. At least not in the current hand we've been dealt. We may have to toss a few cards in the years to come and see what comes back. I'm hoping for a Royal Flush, but we'll see.
I wonder if a few years from now, if there is a positive pregnancy test, if I'll remember this night? If I'll remember what I'm wearing and what's on the TV or how I spent my day?
Part of me hopes that I will. The other part of me hopes that I am so excited by the prospect of bringing a new life to our family that it will overwhelm my memory with new memories that I can think of when I think of how our third child came to be.
And how it was just as wonderful and unexpected as when our second child came to be.
Well, maybe not THAT unexpected!!
Monday, September 1, 2008
I can't tell you exactly when it was.
Posted by Alison McGeary-Stella at 10:20 PM