Sunday, September 23, 2012

Control Freak

Where does your motivation come from because I don't have any and I'd really like some of yours.

I love hearing about people getting in shape and seeing their before and after pictures.

I love seeing when someone I know has transformed their body and themselves and lost weight.

Sure, there's a jealousy there but it's not a malicious jealousy but rather this feeling of, "well I can do it, too. they did it, I can totally do it."

And then they talk about their desire to look better or feel better about themselves.  That desire propelled them and kept them away from the frosted brownies from Shop-Rite.  That motivation to feel good and be healthy helped them put their sneakers on each day and head to kickboxing or out for a walk or a run or propelled them into Zumba.

And I know none of those were easy.  I know it wasn't all rainbows and teddy bears for them.  I know they had to work at it each day.

I know it because I've done it.  I've motivated myself.  I've been so unhappy with myself and uncomfortable in my own skin that I've lost weight and gotten in shape.  And it was hard but I did it and it felt great for so many reasons.

But now, almost a year (like two weeks away from a year) after my twins were born , I'm unhappy in my own skin.  I'm uncomfortable in my "fat" clothes.  I live in baggy t-shirts and yoga pants- sometimes for two or more days at a time.  I can't keep myself away from the frosted brownies from Shop-Rite. I can't bring myself to head out the door each day to exercise or at least walk for a bit or, um, anything.

And please don't tell me to be easy on myself.  Sometimes, when there is hard work to be done, you don't get to be easy on yourself.  You don't get to mill around and take your time.  Sometimes you have to get your ass in gear and just do it.

But I can't seem to do that.

I feel like the weight of the world has been on my shoulders lately.  And, like every good emotional eater, I've allowed the weight in my ass to show how much the world actually weighs.

And while other areas of my life are pretty good, I am unhappy with myself and I can't take control of that.

Like everyone who struggles with food issues, I'm in control when I dive into those frosted brownies.  Luckily, they rarely make their way into my house.  And right now, they are gone from my house because, well, my 7 year old and I just polished them off for dessert.

I think that I literally just stumbled upon my own issue as I was writing this post.

I am not in control.  Sure, I make our bed each morning so that I have some semblance of control in an otherwise pretty out of control life with 4 kids and an overworked husband.  But other than that, things are out of control.  And I don't mean spiraling downward or anything to that extreme but just slightly above normal chaos.

I am not in control when one or both of my twins are screaming for no specifically known reason.  I am not in control when my 7 year old talks back and not only gets me angry beyond belief but also makes me think that we're doing this whole parenting thing wrong.  I am not in control when my 5 year old has ANOTHER tantrum because she hasn't gotten her way about something.  I am not in control when the doctor calls to let me know that one of the girls has a severe food allergy.  I am not in control when my thoughts and weekends are occupied by things that weigh me down more than I need or want right now.

I am in control when I put the food into my mouth.  More often than not, lately, I'm putting the wrong foods into my mouth and I'm not meeting those extra calories with exercise, as I know I should be.  I am in control when I send my 7 year old or my 5 year old to their room indefinitely for their behavior and then leave them there 5 or 10 minutes more than they actually deserve.  I am in control when I allow the twins to cry just a little bit longer or louder than I probably should because I need to sit in the bathroom for a few more minutes and gain just a tiny bit of peace.  I am in control when I turn my phone off or ignore a call or a text or a message or anything having to do with anything that I just can't or don't want to deal with it right then.

I am in control of everything but me and what I need to feel good.  And that is extremely upsetting to me.  I have completely let myself go and brought about my own unhappiness and I just don't know how to get control of it all.

And the biggest worry of all, is that sometimes I just don't care.

My kids are fed, healthy (for the most part), happy (I think), and getting used to life in a new school and town.  My house is not always clean but it's becoming more and more organized (sort of) and clean (sometimes) as the weeks go by.  The seemingly important things, my family, my marriage, my home, our health, are intact.

It appears though, and again this is an almost instantaneous realization, I am not.

And the fact that I even wrote this and put this out there shows that I do care a little, but I really struggle to care.  And that upsets me.

But I'm not sure if it upsets me enough to do anything about it.

Or if I'm just seizing control of something by choosing to ignore it and hope that `it all gets better on it's own.


Jen (Huckdoll) said...

I know what you mean. I don't emotional eat but I do struggle at times with emotional drinking and know all the control issues that comes with it or any addiction. I also struggle big time with motivation and yoyo-ing between caring and not caring. When I do have it, I'm unstoppable but when I don't, I'm seriously my own worst enemy. It's a fight. And honestly, the only effective inspiration/motivation is my daughters and my desire for them to be healthy inside and out with a positive body image - something I am learning with them at age 33.

I also won't tell you to go easy on yourself even though I really want to. I mean, I can't imagine running a household of six and having any time for myself at the end of a day, let alone a desire to hit the gym or go running.

That said, I know it's possible and I'm positive you'll find a way to make it happen eventually.

In the meantime (from what I've seen and read) I think you're doing a really awesome job with your kids and new home. Your gang DOES seem happy and that's the most important thing.

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