It's Another Frienship Post and It's Not About the Cookies

So, I had a party last night. Not me and the husband, just me. My friends. Not ours. Just mine. And it was great. I invited everyone over for a Christmas party and cookie exchange. Why not save some baking time and enjoy each others' company at the same time? It ended up not being about the cookies. As we sat there enjoying our drinks and the spread of food I realized that all of these people represented a different part of my life. They all knew me at different times and still know me now. There were a few people missing who I really wished could have been with us but they just lived too far to make it up for the evening or they had to work.

The people who came went to school with me, worked with me, work with me now, know me through another friend and are wonderful indicators of what friendship means. The evening was filled with stories of our past experiences, stories of many high school mishaps, stories of work experiences that still make us laugh, stories of good times and bad that had brought us together. We laughed until we cried- Literally. I think we learned something about how friendships can meld and change and still be wonderful.

I'd like to be able to say that I was thinking clearly last night but the champagne and white wine went to my head and clouded any clear and meaningful thoughts. This morning, once the alcohol left my system, I was able to think a lot more clearly and really reflect on the evening. I am so very blessed, not only with the family that I was given but also with the friends that I have. I think I take both for granted. I forget that I have these amazing people in my life. Like many others I can sometimes focus on the negative or the bad points. Recently, that was the case with friendships. I was so very focused and concerned by two friendships that had ended unexpectedly and with no consideration. Just ended. No explaining. Just over. (Well, really one clearly ended, the other I think just followed suit but I don't know.) I was quite upset for many reasons. I felt as if I had been pushed aside. I felt as if the time and energy that I had invested in the friendships, the care and concern that I had tried to show had been all for naught. The friendships seemed to mean nothing. I allowed this to bother me for a long time. Much longer than I should have. (Hindsight it 20/20.) I wondered how it could all just end and the other person or people not seem to care. I wondered how it could all be pushed aside and essentially forgotten. I wondered so many things and was hurt each time I thought about it. Upset by it all. I wondered if they, too, were upset by it or if it just didn't matter. I allowed my thoughts to be consumed by this. I allowed my life to be consumed by it. I allowed too much of myself to be consumed by all of it. I've come to realize over these recent very hard weeks that it was for the best. I've come to realize that I devoted too much of myself and my time to worrying about friendships that apparently meant a lot more to me than to others. I've come to recognize that the people that I turned to when all of this was happening were my true friends. I have come to realize that in a sense I was a total a-hole to allow my life to be consumed by people who continually showed me that they didn't care. I just didn't want to believe that people could be hurtful and thoughtless when I had tried so hard to make sure they knew that they were thought of. I was a total a-hole because I neglected these people who were so wonderful to me and who continue to be so wonderful to me in favor of focusing on the negative.

My friends know things about me that make me who I am. I have friends who have known me since I was 5 years old and know who my first crush was and they were even there when I planned my "mock wedding". (Although they are still slightly bitter about not being in it!) I have friends who know the ins and outs of my high school career, including the time I was handcuffed to a desk and the time I ate sheep brain unintentionally. I have friends who know that during college when I would run out of clothes, rather than doing laundry I would just go out and buy new clothes. I have friends who were there when I met my husband and when I found out I was pregnant- both times. I have friends who have, obviously, been there for the funny. But more importantly I have friends who have been there for the everything. The friends who know the ins and outs of my medical adventure. The friends who know the ins and outs of everything because they asked and want to know. Last night was a welcomed and needed reminder of those friends.

I am so very lucky. I am lucky for the people who I have with me all the time and the ones who are able to be with me occasionally. I am lucky for the people who have come into my life and stayed. And truthfully, I am lucky for those people who were here and left because they taught me a lot about friendship and who I am. I may sometimes think I'm an a-hole because I allow things to consume me and upset me but really I am just human. I am like so many others out there and I am lucky because I have wonderful friendships that remain with me as my life changes and they change.

Clearly last night was not really about the cookies....