Fears

I'm not quite sure how much I've shared regarding my medical status. Before the car accident I was in the midst of dealing with some fairly extensive medical issues. Or really just one issue that was somewhat complicated. It's a long story involving tumors and radiation doses and an unexpected pregnancy and lots of doctors and tests. Someday I'll share the whole thing, although the bits and pieces over the past months might be enough to tell the whole story. For the past two months or so I have been on hiatus from my doctors for this issue. I didn't have any tests done. I didn't have any doctor appointments pertaining to this. I just took my meds and lived my life.

Today, I go back to the doctor for the first time in a few months and I'm somewhat nervous about what the tests from last week are going to show. I feel pretty good. My symptoms are less but I've been having new symptoms that I've never really experienced before. My hair is falling out like gang busters! Seriously. If you're looking for something to buy stock in, Drano is the way to go. I go through it like water. I have had the WORST sore throat ever for a very long time and nothing I do alleviates it. And my skin is so friggin' dry that you would think I've never seen a bottle of moisturizer in my life. I don't know what these things mean. I'm not doing research on them. I'm not googling them. I'm not changing my meds before I see my doctor because he already said he wouldn't alter them. I'm going about my daily business, taking my meds and living my life.

I wonder what my numbers and tests will show. I am curious to see if I am back where I am supposed to be. My levels, as indicated by my tests, have been so skewed in previous appointments that I still expect them to be. I cannot fathom what will be said to me when I walk into my doctor's office this afternoon and that scares me. I am concerned that the tumors I had growing are still growing and the radiation didn't work. I am concerned that the disease I have was so far advanced that the radiation wasn't enough to stop it. I am concerned about all of this but I've only started thinking about it today. Weeks before my previous doctor appointments I used to agonize over what was going to happen and what they would tell me. That is no longer the case. I have so much on my plate- mainly good- that I do not have time to think about this anymore. That worries me, too. I've often thought that if I just ignored it, it would go away. Now I wonder if since I've ignored, it's had time to re energize itself. But I feel good. I'm not as symptomatic as I once was. I'm doing ok. Maybe today will be good. Maybe the news will be what I want to hear. And if it's not...that's ok. I'll deal. We'll deal. And I'll think about it when I have to.