GRUMPY

Have you read Him??

He's hysterical and I'm fairly certain he's a doctor I must have seen at some point in time!!

What If We Just Left It Alone?

It starts with a few unreturned phone calls.

Maybe some ignored texts.

Then the cancellations.

Outings with others, people left out.  Ignored.

The obligatory brief emails.  Updates on crap that doesn't even matter.  The big stuff was missed.

Random chats.  Occasional facebook posts.

The meaning is gone.

It becomes forced.  Pushed.  There is nothing to talk about.

Nothing to say.

Where once there was laughter and endless chats. 

There is nothing.

But was there ever really anything?  Was it real?  Was is EVER there?

Sure.  There was something.  But it just wasn't meant to be.  And it's sad and okay all at once.

And it's not because the ending wasn't natural.  But it happened, and it's done.

And we continue to force and push because we think we're supposed to.

But what if we just left it alone?

What would happen then?

All Clear

I just realized that I never gave anyone on here an update.

I'm sorry.

Everything came out all clear.  Best Christmas present, EVER!

I'm now on a yearly schedule for screening and I am in the clear until next December!

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and thoughts and prayers.  I am truly blessed and grateful for all of you!!

Here's to a Wonderfully Happy and Healthy New Year 2010!!

Yes, Virginia From Mommy's Martini

I love this.

Go check out Mommy's Martini.

And I still believe.

Lightening Up

Yesterday was a terrible no good very bad day for me for no other reason except that I let myself get so down and sad that I couldn't pull myself out.

It started in the morning, some song- wish I could remember which one, came on the radio on my way into work.  And then my mind wandered.  And then the tears.  And then the downward slump.

And that's where I stayed for a lot of the day.

I left work to get some stuff to get ready for my best friend's birthday.  She turned 40 today.  I wanted to get her gift and some gag stuff and decorations.  I was still down.

I came back to work to get ready for basketball practice and a friend of mine, a teacher from my department, was staying late to help the seniors decorate for the hallway competition.

He and I sat on the floor of the school, watching his current students and my former students decorating for Christmas, and we just talked.  He was going to his wife's work dinner- she works with a bird sanctuary.  We joked about how awkward it would be to eat any type of bird at the dinner.  We laughed and really talked about nothing in particular.

And I walked away significantly lighter.

Last night, I had a conversation with another co-worker/friend with whom I've been struggling and it was normal and fun.  I walked away even lighter.

I stopped to get more decorations for my friend's birthday.  I thought of how wonderful she has been.  I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am to have a friend like her.  She has been incredible and I am extremely blessed.  I realized how lucky I am as I walked through the dollar store.  And I headed home feeling that much better.

I got home and my husband listened as I described my sad day that was only sad because I allowed it to be.  And he just listened.  He didn't offer me a solution.  He didn't say it was going to be ok.  He. Just. Listened.

And I was relieved.

This morning I came into work and there was a six pack of Guinness on the floor of my room with the kindest card. 

And, again, I came to see how lucky I am.  I am surrounded by the most incredible people.  I am supported by the most wonderful friends and family.

I am lucky.

I have no idea what Tuesday will bring.

I don't want to hear that it's going to be ok because no one really knows that.  I don't know what lies ahead of me after my tests on Tuesday but I know, more than I know anything else, that I will have the most incredible support system regardless of what the outcome of all of this is.

And for that I am lighter and happier.

One Day At A Time: The Non-Mackenzie Philips Version

So, the mammogram happened.  And it was fast.  And painful.  Really uncomfortable.

And then the waiting began.  And when it went on I thought there was little reason to worry.

No news = Good news.  Or that's what they say.

No news = Slow radiologist and double checking and checking over and a weekend.

No news = a phone call on Monday morning.  "You need come back.  The films showed something. The radiologist wants more.  45 minutes of tests. You'll leave with results."

Breathe in and then breathe out.

One day at time is how it's been.  A very slow one day at a time.

Tuesday.  It was their first available.  I begged.  I pleaded.  I played the age card.   There. Was. Nothing.

And now I wait.

One.
Day.
At.
A.
Time.

Images May Appear Larger Than They Really Are

This Has been Cross Posted At My New Blog: The Dirty Thirty Tridea
Go ahead over and see what else we have to offer!

We've touched on the fact that I'm a weight loser.  Since last January I've lost close to 40 pounds.  I've put a few back on but I'm looking to lose about 20 more and then maintain.  I'd be happy then.

Or would I?

I have a terrible body image.  Seriously.  And I'm not saying this so you all- you know the 3 of you who read this besides me- will comment and tell me what a fabulous body I have.  Believe me, I am very proud of how far I've come since starting my weight loss and exercise journey.  But that doesn't mean I am happy with how I look.

I love that I've dropped close to 3 or 4 sizes- although the cost of new clothes has been difficult to wrap my head around.

I enjoy that I tend to have more energy than before- although that does mean that my kids take advantage of it and make me run all over the place after them.  (I secretly enjoy that even though I pretend I don't.)

It makes me happy that I feel like I can hold my head up a bit higher than before because my confidence is greater- although it is starting to make my neck and back hurt, standing up straight all the time.

All of that being said, I still have this image of myself as this terrible fat person.  I still look at pictures of myself and think I look terribly fat and out of proportion.  I look in store windows and mirrors and sometimes just can't stand how I look.

And really, that bothers me.

At my heaviest (non-pregnant) I was well into the 200s.  Now, I'm really not even near that- the 200s, that is.  And what's funny is that even at that weight I thought I looked ok.  I look back now and there are times when I did look ok but I can see myself behind the weight.  I can see the person I'm in the process of becoming behind the too fat face and the extra wide hips and the super jiggly arms- which I still have, DAMMIT!

I wasn't lacking self-confidence, I was just viewing myself as an image that was probably better than what it truly was.  Now, I can't escape the physical images I have of myself from then.  I still see the super heavy me when I walk down the street.  I can't stop viewing myself as obese and gross.  I cannot let go of my fat image and I cannot figure out why.

Don't misunderstand what I'm saying here- I am confident in who I am as a person.  This is not a crisis of personality or character.  I know who I am as an individual and I am proud of everything I've accomplished and done- weight loss and non-weight loss related.  I love myself for the most part.  I just don't always love the way I look.

I feel like I have more "fat" days than skinny days.  I constantly feel like I weigh 300 pounds- even though I've never come close to that.  I constantly feel like my clothes don't look good on me and I'm readjusting myself and what I'm wearing.  It's daily that I wake up and change my clothes- especially my shirts- 9 times because I never think they look ok.  I still hate my thighs and forget about my hips- I've considered taking a vacuum to them and performing my own liposuction.

Is my poor self-image so bad that it limits what I do and who I see?  No, it's not.  This summer I wore a bikini for the first time since I was 6 but truthfully, I was completely uncomfortable in it.  My chest was too small, my stomach not firm enough and my thighs too jiggly.  But no one noticed that except me.

I am too critical of myself and I need to stop that.

When I set out on this journey I wanted to be healthy and I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin.  It's funny, in a lot of ways I feel like I've become more uncomfortable as I've lost weight.  I've become more self-conscious as my body has taken on a more shapely form rather than the blob like form I felt I had before.  I'm now at the point where I need to let go of the self-conscious and move more towards the self-accepting but actually doing that is much harder than saying it.


I don't worry about what other people think.  But I worry too much about what I think and my thinking appears to be wrong.


I have a terrible body image and I'm not looking for a miracle to occur by completing this Triathlon but I am hoping that the journey I'm on will create in me an image that I can accept as real and true.  I'm hoping that I can finally shed the pounds of fat that are really no longer on my body but are clearly occupying my mind.

Distractions

I'm not one to get easily distracted.  As a matter of fact, when I have something in my head it's often very hard for me to let go of it or forget about it.

I have been trying very hard since just before Thanksgiving to keep myself distracted. 

I had been having some minor health problems and went, the day before turkey day, to have them checked out.  I ended up having to get blood work done and start some new medication. 

And make an appointment for another mammogram.

This will be my second.  I'm not yet 30 and I'm fully aware that that shouldn't matter.

At any rate, I called and made my appointment- January 8th.

Wow, that's a lot of time to keep myself occupied and distracted.  Christmas should be fun with that in the back of my brain.

Since finding out that I need another mammogram not a day has gone by where I have not thought about it and what it might bring with it.

*And before you chime in and tell me not to jump to conclusions, don't bother.  They're my boobs and I need to be prepared for whatever may or may not come down the pike.*

Yesterday was the first day where it was not at the forefront of my mind.  We had a small Christmas tree trimming gathering and I spent the day with family and friends.  And I didn't think about my boobs and what may come until this morning as I drove into work.

Yesterday was a wonderful distraction.  Yesterday was comfortable and easy and a reminder of everything I have to be thankful for and what I am blessed with.  Yesterday was just what I needed just when I needed it.

That's why, today, I made another phone call. 

I cannot keep distracting myself- not until January 8th.  And it just seemed too long to wait for something that is fairly serious.

Apparently, it was all a misunderstanding.  I was given an appointment for a routine mammogram.  I should have been given an appointment for an emergency mammogram given my symptoms.

Tomorrow morning I get to get squeezed before work.  No more waiting.  No more distractions.

Because, really, I'm not easily distracted at all.

Putting the Christ in Christmas

Don't worry this isn't the post where I spew my Catholic views on Christ and Christmas. 

Well, not totally.

This is my very favorite time of year.  I adore the holidays and it has little to nothing to do with gifts or parties or anything like that.

This is a time of giving and compassion.  This is a time of peace and family.  This is a time of tradition and I am steeped in it.

Sadly, it is also a time of consumerism and greed.  It is a time that rushes by because we do not stop to appreciate those things with which we have been blessed.

One of my favorite things to do is to set up our Nativity set.  It was my favorite thing as a child, too.  I used to play with the figurines and I was so excited on Christmas morning to see that Baby Jesus had been "born" into his spot between Mary and Joseph. 

This year I find that people are putting out Christmas lights earlier and putting up trees before December 1st.  And I cannot tell a lie....I love it.

But in the rush to get everything up and decorated I find that we are forgetting the true spirit of the season.

I understand if you participate in the holiday for purely secular reasons.  I don't agree with it but it's your choice. 

One of my biggest pet peeves about this time of year, or really any time of year when this gets used, if when people decide to use Xmas instead of Christmas.

Is it really that difficult to write out or type out those few extra letters?

I have been seeing this in blog posts.  I have seen this on assignments my students are doing.  I have even seen this on CHRISTMAS cards. 

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!

You can write out more than a handful of cards to random people that you barely know and never see but you can't write out the word Christ?!?!  Really?!?!  Are you opposed to it?  Do you not believe in Christ?

Well, then maybe this holiday isn't for you.

Do we get that without Christ there is no Christmas? 

Do we understand that Christmas is a celebration of CHRIST'S birth?

Do we get that at this time of year we need to slow down and reflect on those things and people and gifts (not material) that make our lives wonderful?

Is it really too much to write out Christ?!?!  I mean really, come on!

Fine, be opposed to the Church.  Hate the Catholic religion all you want- I don't agree with you but I will NOT force my belief system on to you.

But you know what?  Christmas is NOT a Catholic holiday.  It's a CHRISTian one. 

I just don't understand how we cannot take the extra 3 second to write or type or text out the word Christmas instead of Xmas.

Maybe, just maybe, this holiday is not for you if you can't make that change. 

Or maybe, just maybe, I'm crazy and spewing my religious venom all over the place.

Something New and Fun

This Could be fun..... Go Ahead, check it out...you KNOW you want to!

The Thirty Year Tridea .

I Learn Something New Every Day

If there is one thing that I have learned in the almost 7 years that I've been married it's that I know very little about being married.

Every day I learn something new about marriage and my husband and how to make things work.

Our first year of marriage was hard work. Every year since then has been hard work but it has been worth it.

There are days that we argue.

There are days when we can't stop laughing with one another.

There are days when we don't even see each other.

There are days when my husband supports me.

There are days when I support my husband.

Today was one of those days.

My husband works hard. I mean really hard. He busts his ass at just about everything he does. He works two jobs and until recently he was in school full time, as well.

When we got married he was working in sales and was a top performer every year. The company he worked for SUCKED. In every single way this company sucked. When the opportunity arose for him to get out he jumped at it. It was an adjustment but we rolled with it and dealt with all of the changes that came with the new job, new company, new responsibilities, new schedule.

The new company was really great. Great people. Good pay. Great benefits. Okay schedule. Not bad commute. And my husband was really happy.

He moved up quickly. Raises and promotions. He was motivated to continue working hard and never looked back.

Until today.

He was up for a pretty big promotion. A really big promotion that had all but been promised to him.

He had been groomed for this position. It. Was. His.

Until it wasn't.

Tonight he came home and it was time for me to support him. It was time for me to be there for him. It was time for me to put aside my crappy ass day and my ultra high stress level and listen as he ranted and raved about this "injustice".

And it is an injustice.

This sucks for him. He deserved this. He wanted this. And he is so very upset about not getting it.

Tonight, over dinner we talked. Or really he talked. I listened. I offered words of encouragement and sorrow. I shared his anger and his pain. And then offered optimism.

Maybe this is all for the best. He may not be getting a promotion- yet- but he got a raise and he is being moved closer to home.

That doesn't erase his need for comfort and compassion.

And it doesn't erase the fact that he needs to know why he passed over.

But tonight I learned that I am his compliment and he is mine.

Tonight he is hurting and I want to make it stop for him but all I can do is listen and offer some optimism.

And that is the something new I've learned today.

That, and sometimes it really sucks to get passed over for the one thing you wanted and deserved.

Honoring the Blessings

I am very fortunate. I know this. I remind myself of this constantly. I try, very hard, to make sure that I give back and say thank you for all that I've been given and blessed with.

Last night I was reminded, again, how lucky I am in the friends that I've been blessed with.

We gave our dog back last night. Her foster mom came to get her and in a matter of minutes we were dogless.

My son was sad. Very sad.

My husband was said when he got home after work and saw we were without dog.

I was sad when there was no little furry friend curled up on the couch with me.

My daughter waved gleefully at the door as the dog walked away from us.

I had a friend over for a mini girls' night (the husband was working late) and she could have very easily detached herself from this whole situation and left. She didn't.

She stepped up and helped me console my son.

She held my daughter while I helped the boy say good-bye to his dog.

She consoled him while I loaded the pup's things into the foster mom's car.

She "held my hand" throughout the entire process.

She could have very easily gone home. She could have sat on the couch and watched TV. She could have ignored all of the goings on.

She didn't.

It is constantly and consistently amazing to me that the people who surround me have stepped up to the plate to help me and support me in times of joy AND times of sorrow.

Things have been good for us and we have been very fortunate, lucky even, and we have been surrounded by people- friends and family- who share in our good times.

When things do go wrong and we struggle or are hurting we are reminded of how truly fortunate we are. The same people who were there during the wonderful times are with us in the times of trying. Sometimes, they are even more present.

I am so very fortunate. I realized that, again, last night.

I realized it yesterday when I received an email from a friend whom I haven't seen in years. She was reaching out and putting me in contact with another mom who knew the ins and outs of food allergies and asthma.

I realized when I got into Facebook and there was a message from another blogger whom I've never met but share a connection with. She just wanted to let me know that she really felt we were friends and that I was special. ( She is too!)

I realized it as I planned the last minute details of my girls' night away for this weekend. Three very good friends and I will get the chance to spend time away from everything but each other and enjoy an evening out and overnight laughing, talking and sharing.

How do you not consider yourself fortunate after all of these things?

I am surrounded by people at home and at work who are amazingly caring and I am so very blessed.

When I sit down to celebrate Thanksgiving next week these are the people and things that I will be thankful for. My family's health and happiness, these are things that I am thankful for. Our continued love and devotion to one another, these are things that I am grateful for.

I am very fortunate and I am blessed.

We all are.

I need to make sure that I remind myself of that and give back in honor of those blessings.

As Quick As She Came, She Goes

We got a dog and as quickly as she came, she will be going.

Before you jump to every conclusion you can think of let me tell you a few things:
My husband and I discussed this quite a bit
We searched for just the right dog and made sure our kids met the dog first
We prepared ourselves for the work and time commitment necessary for having the dog
We readied our home and our hearts for the pup
And we got images in our heads of how this was going to go and hoped for the best.

We brought Tilly home on Monday night and tomorrow morning I will call her foster parents and let them know that this will not work.

It's not about the 5am walks.
It's not about the poop and pee (outside only).
It's not about the afternoons at the dog park.
It's not about any of that.

Our daughter is so terrified of the dog that she refuses to be in the same room with the animal.
But our son is so in love with the dog that he wants her to sleep in his bed with him.

Did we make a mistake getting a dog? No, I firmly believe we did not. I think the next few days, as we prepare to give Tilly back, will be hard but it is right thing to do.

Let me tell you something, though, Tilly is unbelievably smart and just a wonderful dog. Seriously.

I have struggled with this decision in certain respects. How do I disappoint one child when another one is so fearful that when I pick her up at school she greets me with, "Mommy, I don't want to keep the doggy"?

How do I leave one child alone with a new, unpredictable dog that is normally friendly and kind but could turn at any moment?

How do I leave one child upstairs to watch tv alone while I watch my other child with the new dog?

I don't.

My husband wants this work. My husband wants my daughter to love this dog and get used to her. My husband thinks we just need to keep giving it time.

My daughter cries when she sees the dog in the car when I pick them up at daycare.
My daughter requests to sit on the counter in the kitchen while I cook dinner because then the dog can't get her.
My daughter requires that I carry her around so that the dog can't come anywhere near her.

Each day- and granted it's only been two- has gotten worse.
Right now, my daughter is on my left side in the dining room because the dog is on the couch sleeping soundly. She will not even entertain the idea of going near the couch.

This has been hard because I wanted this, too. I wanted it to work out and for our family to have a wonderful friendly pet. I had the image in my head that my husband did and it's not showing up for us.

And as quickly as she came, she will go and it will be sad and hard. But it is for the best. My children- one or both- come first at all times.

I fully intend to accept all responsibility for having to give Tilly back. I will not have my son resent my daughter for her fears just as I would not allow my daughter to resent her brother for his desire to keep the dog.

I'd rather they both hate me and deal with that. It's much easier because I'm secure in the knowledge that I've done what is absolutely the best for my children and my family and the dog.

Bye Tilly, you were a wonderful pet for the two days we had you. Now you belong with a family that will ALL love you and care for you.

A Whole New World

My initial urge, after phone calls were made and prescriptions dropped off and kids settled was to sit down and write about everything that went on yesterday afternoon.

I'm 24 hours into this now and I feel like I've gained a bit more perspective but not much. And now, maybe, I can write about it in a better way.

Yesterday I took my almost five year old son to see a specialist. He had to have his eczema re-evaluated and we needed to find a new course of treatment to try and help his skin and allergies. Plus, my husband was convinced that our son had Cystic Fibrosis and he wanted it explored.

He does not have CF- Thank GOD.

But the appointment that I had assumed would be simple and quick was far from either of those things.

I walked in expecting to get a new antihistamine and some new steroid creams. I left with 4 prescriptions, orders for bloodwork, and an appointment for a month from now for more tests.

And I walked out into a whole new world.

My son has severe tree nut allergies and an apple allergy, as well as moderate to severe asthma.

I have been trying to keep this in perspective.

My child does not have cancer.

My child is not dying.

My child is not suffering in pain.

But I cannot get away from the idea that if my child happens to eat something wrong he could die.

I cannot walk away from the pile of medications that is currently sitting on my dining room table.

I cannot throw away the allergy action plans that I've filled out for his school and my purse and my parents.

I'm 24 hours into this and I'm lost. I'm upset. I'm scared for my son.

My son is innocent to all of this and part of me is ok with that. The other part recognizes that I need to make him an active and responsible participant in his choices now.

I know that two weeks or a month from now this will all be routine. Supermarket trips will only take a little bit longer than they did last week instead of 4 times as long.

I know that I will have a list of foods and juices that he can eat freely and enjoy without worry.

I know that we will get into a groove with his medicine at night and the treatment for his skin.

I know all of this. But right now, I am having a hard time.

I worry about school, even though they have already placed a BRIGHT YELLOW sign with all of Nicholas' restrictions in his classroom.

I worry about eating out and what might have nuts or have been prepared on a machine that has traces of nuts.

I worry about him being different.

Could he outgrow this? Sure, but it doesn't appear likely.

Could it be that we never have to use his epi-pens? Of course, but I'm in the process of training everyone who will come into contact with him on how to use the pen.

Could I carry around his rescue inhaler forever and never have to give it to him? Yes, but I've still ordered all the necessary medical supplies needed to make sure he gets all the medicine he needs.

I'm 24 hours into this and our world has been flipped around and I worry for my little guy and how this is affecting him.

And I worry that a bite of a cupcake or an accidental sip of juice could turn our world upside down all over again.

And I'm trying to gain and keep my perspective because a few weeks from now this world won't be so new anymore. And hopefully not as scary.

At A Loss For Words

This is still so very weird to me.

And it is so not about me.

I find my days are not really occupied with thoughts of the murder or who committed it.

But at night my brain and my heart race.

I put my children to bed and I kiss them goodnight. I think that because of a choice Jose may never be able to do this with his children again.

I lay in my bed and I try to put myself in his shoes. I cannot. What made him so angry? What made him break?

What made him become someone I never, ever, knew?

I see that horrendous picture of him and it is not the man I knew. Except for the glasses. Jose ALWAYS had glasses that never really "sat" on his face correctly.

It occupies my quiet time.

It surrounds my mind.

It breaks my heart.

I try to describe the man I knew. I try to tell people about the Jose who I met as a 12 year old and who asked about me and my children consistently.

I want to tell them about one of the kindest souls I knew.

I want them to understand that this man was good.

I want them to see the man I saw that night at the Easter Vigil with my friends. The man we supported when he chose to become Catholic.

But I cannot find the words.

They are there but I am trying to come up with words to convince people that the Jose I knew was NOT a murderer.

Except he is.

And this is not about me but I cannot get it out of my mind and my heart.

Unfathomable

I really debated about whether or not to write this or how to. I'm going to try and see where it goes.

I grew up in an idyllic town. Not perfect but far from dangerous. So when things go wrong in that town- where my parents still reside- it makes the news.

This weekend was no different.

If you are in North NJ you have most likely heard about this. If not, here is the story link:
http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2009/10/arrest_is_made_in_killing_of_p.html

I knew both men.

Fr. Ed Hinds was not someone I knew well but I had interacted with him many times over the years. Being a former parishoner and being a Catholic high school teacher, our paths would cross from time to time.

He helped to bury my grandmother when she passed away.

He was behind the scenes at my wedding making sure things were taken care of and going beyond his "duties" as a pastor and priest to help make the day wonderful.

He has been at mass at my school more than a handful of times over the past year.

And he was mercilessly killed by another man.

There are no words to express the shock and sadness that this death has brought to the community in which I was raised.

There is very little that is clear right now. There is very little that provides any type of answer.

There are so many questions and so much left to be figured out.

There is so much pain and confusion.

And so much loss.

I knew Jose Feliciano. I did not know the man that murdered Fr. Ed Hinds. Sadly, it appears they are one in the same.

I met Jose as an 8th grader. As I grew, I came to know Jose as a compassionate and quiet man who was giving and welcoming. I worked with him during the summers. I joked with him after school with my friends.

I was there the night he became a Catholic.

I knew his wife and his children. He had met my son when the boy was only a few months old. Jose was there on my wedding day, as well. He had helped to get the church ready and then helped to clean it up.

Were we the best of friends? No. But Jose was the person who always asked how you were doing and was willing to talk and listen and help in any way he could.

That is the Jose I knew. This is also the Jose that will be prosecuted for murder- a murder he confessed to committing and will be tried for.

Tonight I sit here and I cannot begin to fathom how this comes to be. I cannot begin to understand how this man who worked tirelessly for his family and loved to be around people and joked with us could commit such a heinous crime.

But he did. He waved his Miranda rights. He confessed to this disgusting crime. And he is behind bars tonight.

I don't know when the Jose I knew "died" but clearly he did.

There is so much loss tonight and it will not go away easily. It cannot be packed up or ripped down as the police tape and command center will be.

The pain will not get washed away with the rain storms we are living with right now.

The sadness will dissipate but it cannot be blown away as the leaves are blown off the trees.

The idyllic place that provided me with cherished memories of childhood, my teen years and college homecomings is no longer all that idyllic.

We mourn the horrible death of a man who was quietly kind and showed his faith and dedication in simple ways.

We question how this all could have happened and we look for answers in any and every spot possible.

And really, right now, there is nothing.

There is loss and sadness and it needs to be embraced and dealt with. It needs to be accepted in order to even consider moving forward.

There are no words. To be quite frank, I'm surprised I got all of the above words out.

I used to laugh when people would talk about feeling like they were in a nightmare and they wanted to wake up. I keep thinking that this is all a horrible nightmare.

And any minute, we're all going to wake up and life will be idyllic.

But we won't and it's not.

Life does not have to be perfect to wonderful but a little less sadness right now would be appreciated.

Bribery for the Big Guy

I am not above bribery.

I use it on my kids. I use it on my husband. I use it on my friends.

I have no shame and I have no problem admitting that I use it freely and openly.

That being said, I have some of the most wonderful students around.

Teenagers are TOUGH. I thought that an almost 5 year old and an almost 3 year old were difficult, they've got nothing on teenagers. Especially teenagers who have no blood relation to me whatsoever.

I think teenagers want to please. They want people to praise them and recognize them. They want to be appreciated and have attention paid to them but more often than not they don't want to ask for it or do much for it.

I get that.

I work with very typical and very a-typical teenagers and for that I am BEYOND grateful.

I teach at a Catholic high school and I am a Theology teacher. To be quite frank, I'm usually the last class that kids want to take but one of the only classes they HAVE to take for four years straight.

I start off the year, sometimes, with the deck stacked against me.

Over the past few years, I've had some awesome students and some not so awesome students- both academically and personally. I count myself extremely lucky to be where I am with the kids that I'm with.

One of the big "pushes" that we're doing this year is to get kids to come to morning mass. Each morning we celebrate mass in our school chapel at 7:15am. It's early and I admit that I don't make it everyday. But it's really a very nice way to start the day.

Calming. Unifying. Energizing.

So, I've been trying to come up with ways to get kids to come to mass.

How do you get a 17 year old to school 40 minutes earlier AND get them to sit through a 20 minute mass?

This plagued me as I drove in each morning and home each afternoon.

This bounced around in my head as I lay in my bed each night and showered each morning.

It was everywhere.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Or bagels, actually. (Either way it's 2000lbs)

I brought a bagel in for breakfast the other morning and as I was sitting at my desk one of my favorite- ok my favorite student- yes we have them- came into my room and we chatted. We chat almost every morning.

He bounces things off of me- emotions, thoughts, problems.

And I listen.

He watched me eat my bagel and I offered him half. He passed. Then a few minutes later, "Well, if you're really not going to eat it...." And he ate it. Saved me the calories.

And there it was.

Food.

Where there is food there is a teenager. Where there is a teenager there is food.

I don't give out extra credit points or grade points for going to church, I think it's a "conflict of interests". I am not above giving out food for going to church, though.

So, I gathered a small group of kids. Come to mass on Friday morning, I said to them.

Ok, they replied.

I didn't even have to promise food. They said ok, for me. Every Friday they promised to be there.

And then I promised food and their eyes lit up.

Today, was the first day. I got into work early. Hot bagels in hand. Orange juice. Apple juice. Cream cheese. Butter. A lovely little breakfast. I was worried.

Worried they would let me down.

Worried they wouldn't be there.

Worried I'd be "stuck" with bagels.

And then they filed into the chapel and my worries were erased.

I have some of the best students around and I am not above bribing them to join me in mass each week. There is a value to be found in spending some time in prayer and meditation first thing in the morning.

There is also value to be found in the time after prayer spent with bagels and juice and conversation. There is a recognition and attention that is given to even the smallest action- getting up early and coming to church- that is important.

I bribed my students to come to mass with me this morning, but I didn't have to. And for that I am grateful and lucky.

And I have every intention of doing it next week.

And Here is Where I become a Judgmental Bitch

Very rarely do I find it appropriate or necessary to comment on how other people parent their children. We are all doing the best we can and what is right for me and my family may not be right for anyone else's family.

So, I try my very best to keep my mouth shut in all instances.

There are exceptions.

I think it's ok for me to call the parent that beats the crap out their kid for any reason at all a bad parent.

I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to pass judgment on the parent that calls their kid horrible names and puts them down simply for the sake of putting them down. They are doing a shit job as a parent.

And today, I'm going to take a leap and be ok with myself when I say I witnessed some horrendous parenting today.

I took my kids to a party at a family member's house. It was mainly this family member's friends and their kids, with a few other family members thrown in. Honestly, it started out being a fun day. The kids were looking forward to it. I was looking forward to it.

Then Mother of the Year (MOTY) and her beast child showed up. Please understand this child is clearly a beast because her mother has allowed her to become one.

MOTY drops her kid inside with my family member and me and my kids and then proceeds to go out to her car and talk on the phone for 35 minutes!!

The beast child, who is bigger than my almost five year old son, will be three at the end of this month. She proceeded to pick up every knicknack and small object around the house and carry them on her person as if they were hers. When my family member tried to take them back, the beast refused and freaked out!

MOTY comes back inside and proceeds to demand coffee and sets up her Angel, or beast, with a juicebox while my children look on longingly. Never bothering to offer one to us.

The beast gets all up in my little one's face and tries to take her hot dog.

Now, anyone who knows my daughter knows that you do NOT take food from her. EVER. The beast didn't care- she wanted that hot dog.

And where was MOTY you ask?

RIGHT THERE.

The day went on. MOTY left again to take a phone call and never bothered to let anyone know she was leaving. Just walked away. Where was the beast? Taking glue and pouring it all over herself while she ate cheese balls and screamed at everyone to get her decorations for her pumpkin.

MOTY returned and grabbed her demanded coffee and plopped herself on the couch while the beast went in the backyard, in a nor'easter, with no jacket, no hat, no nothing, and my family member's full size German Shepard. Luckily, another mom was willing to go out there and supervise and offer the beast a jacket. I believe the beast's response was, "No, stupid!" MOTY handled that one by screaming at the beast 45 minutes later when the "caring" mom was able to talk with MOTY about the incident.

MOTY pushed everyone aside to get food for herself and demanded her child's juicebox when it was time to eat and then demanded a seat at the table for herself but wasn't overly concerned about the beast. Know why?

The beast was on the front porch, alone, pouring bubbles all over the floor. That was after she had tried to use the mini-pumpkins as bouncy balls.

MOTY disappeared again because it was time to talk about her extra-marital relationship or maybe it was her husband's or maybe it really didn't matter because at that point the beast was in the midst of mocking my daughter and taunting her with toys and candy that I wouldn't allow my child to have because, well, I don't want her to look like the beast.

It was time to go. I had to leave before I said something to MOTY about the fact that she basically dumped her beast on to people she barely knows so that she could go off and do whatever the hell she wanted all day.

Lucky for me, I was blocked in the driveway by, you guessed it, MOTY and the beast.

COME ON!

We said our good byes. We said our thank yous and nice to meet yous. We accepted cupcakes graciously and happily. The kids gave hugs and kisses and I apologized for having to jet before dessert. And then MOTY was asked to move her car.

And it seemed like it was going to be ok, she claimed she was leaving, too.

Not until she took 16 pictures of the cupcakes that she and the beast would be missing.
Not until she got another cup of coffee.
Not until she forced the beast to the bathroom.
Not until she argued with the beast to get her to put down the bubbles and put on her coat.
Not until she took another phone call.
Not until she got everyone to help her out to her car with the beast and their bag o tricks.
Not until she made my blood pressure go up so high that I was reminiscing about being on bed rest and seeing spots during my second pregnancy.

I had to hold myself back from getting out of my car. Thank God for text messaging, Mobile email and the DVD player in my minivan, otherwise you would have been hearing about me on the news tonight.

I drove home and I could not help but think about how this was something I had never ever experienced before. I had never been around a parent that was that lackadaisical. When I take my children to places where I know there will be a lot of unknowns, especially people, I take extra care to make sure I am with them constantly. I do this for their safety and comfort and also because it is no one else's responsibility to care for my children.

Did MOTY know that she had basically dumped her child on everyone else? Did she know that her child was misbehaved and rude? Did she know that her child was a bully and mean? Did she know that she left such a sour taste in my mouth and the mouths of my children that it still makes me sick to think about the events of today?

Does she have any idea that her crappy ass parenting is making her child a total raging beast and she's creating problems for herself more than anyone else?

Probably not, I think she's on the phone.

Random Shit

Let's go for some randoms...haven't done those in awhile and I need to get some shit out of my head.....

* I am in loathe with my primary care doctor's office staff right now. This is nothing new. They are incompetent and lazy. And inevitably make me cry everytime I talk with them on the phone. Today was no exception.

* My son has some sort of cold/flu coming on and I am PRAYING it's not the swine flu.

* If it is the swine I'm hoping God is not "punishing" me for telling my son if he doesn't wash his hands he'll get the pig flu and his nose will turn into a snout

* My daughter is almost potty trained and I am hoping that this weekend will seal the deal.

* We have open house at work tonight for prospective students and parents. This is one of the longest days of the year.

* One of my co-workers wore sweats and sneakers to work today and has no intention of changing for the open house tonight. He's a history teacher.

* I have been in a cast and on crutches since Friday and I have managed to get myself dressed in professional clothes and NOT wear sneakers because I thought it would be inappropriate.

* I had planned on arriving late to work this morning, even called in and got coverage for my homeroom, but one of my co-workers happened to be behind me on the winding single lane road we both take to work and she tailgated me the ENTIRE way.

* I am still furious with the liar in my last post but they stepped up to the plate and have been beyond helpful this week. Although last week they didn't want to know me because I wasn't in "crisis" mode.

* This stupid ankle has put me in such a funk that all I want to do is go home each day and sleep.

* I've been sleeping on my couch because I can't do the steps in my house more than once a day and children can't join me on the couch and kick me in the leg.

* I'm going to a wedding on Sunday and I now have nothing to wear because not much goes with ankle casts and crutches

* My students decorated my crutches for me and I thought that was one of the sweetest things to happen this week

* My friends at work have been unbelievably helpful with anything I need and I could not be more grateful

* I was given two Xanax for my MRI on Friday but now I realize that I won't be in the tube completely so I really don't need them. I may hang on to them anyway.

* I feel like I shouldn't get to complain about this injury because I did it completely to myself.

* I just realized that unless you know me personally or on Facebook you probably have no idea what I'm talking about

* I broke my ankle Friday night at the Springsteen concert while dancing on the arms of a chair- I'm an idiot, I'm well aware.

* I would get right back up on that chair a million times over the show was that good and that worth it

* I have stopped drinking from Monday to Friday- alcohol that is

* I refused all painkillers from my doctor and I am just doping myself up on 800mgs of Advil- it doesn't help

* I was up until 3am in pain last night

* I really want to take my kids pumpkin picking and had planned to last weekend but as stated above, I'm an idiot and I dance on chairs and slip off of them

* I am just so tired

* I hate feeling like I'm invited or included as a second thought

* I hate feeling like things are my fault when someone else's conscience is guilty

* I really wish it was Friday

* I am so looking forward to happy hour on Friday after my MRI- I'll definitely need it

* My husband has been wonderful through all of this injury crap

* I can complain until the cows come home but in reality I am unbelievably lucky and have been shown that through my family and close friends who have really stepped up to the plate this week

And I've vented....not everything but enough so that when my next class walks through the door I don't explode at them as much as I may have.

Don't Tell Me Sweet Little Lies

What do you do when someone has lied to you?

What do you do when you find out that lie and it's thrown in your face with no regard for your feelings?

What do you do when the lie was pointless and stupid?

What do you do when it hurts so much that to look at the person every day makes you angry?

Nothing.

The friendship is over. The lie- the stupid stupid lie- sealed that deal.

The camaraderie is destroyed. The inability to be mature and honest killed that.

The hope of continued laughter and fun times is gone.

All over a lie. A stupid lie.

It's funny when I found out I wasn't surprised. It was like I had known all along that the lie had been told. I just figured that it would be covered up for longer, and in a better way.

It's only now, the day after, that I'm finding the hurt and sadness that comes along with the ending of a friendship. It's only now that I'm seeing the authentic nature of someone whom I admired and respected and, wrongly, trusted.

I hate lying in all forms but, really, if you're going to do it- do it up big and lie about something better than what was lied about.

I cannot even stand to look at you. I cannot stand to be in your presence. I cannot stand to hear your name. Just the thought of you, right now, makes me angry and hurt.

Why should I mourn this? I have a wonderful husband and family to go home to. I have incredible friends who have been there through good and bad and who do not lie to me. I have a support system outside of you that I can rely on for anything and everything.

Yet, the lie you told sucked the wind from my chest and broke my heart.

And it was just so stupid.

And final.